Friday, April 29, 2005

About Last Night...

Honestly, I meant what I posted...but I am really not sure I could truly go back to the ED (okay...for the sake of honesty...I restrict almost all the time so it's not like I am fully out in the first place) and SI behavior...but there are times when I want it. Right now because I am stuck...very stuck. Still having a very hard time with the whole realm of human emotions and thinking that some of the emotions are OK...for me...I think they are great for everyone else.

Then I get frustrated because my fears about how Rob is going to react to my mistake is so NOT in the realm of reality. However, since returning to therapy and trying to recover for good...going on 6 years now (but only consistent care for a little over 2 years)...I have NEVER pulled on Marc, Greg, and anyone else what I did to Rob last October. Up until then and never since I have been purposely deceitful to anyone on my treatment team. I am also pretty positive how I saw his reaction and the aftermath was a lot worse than it probably was...but the complete silence and the anger I know was there under the surface did something to me inside and it's still broken.

When I got all paranoid about the book a few months ago we kinda went through this whole thing. He couldn't figure out why I was beating myself up so much for making the mistake...then I finally told him that I figured forgetting something I promised to bring back the next time would be the last straw and he was going to terminate me. He assured me that was not the case and he saw it for what it was...a mistake. Had he needed the book sooner he would have asked me to bring it back, yada, yada, yada.

Right now I think with everything going on a home, me missing So Cal already/still, the anniversary of Marc leaving and my last actual suicide attempt five years ago may be playing on my mind more heavily than I thought. For the first time in ages I truly do not have that longing for a better goodbye than I had with Marc before he went traipsing off (ok...Army assigned) to Hawaii or to have those burning questions I have had answered...I think now it is just marks the end of what was an important time for me and for a relationship where I totally trusted him...which is good in a therapeutic relationship.

I thought I had that with Rob...but if I am freaking out he is going to react badly and not believe bringing the wrong dog was an accident (he said he trusts me and knows I didn't do it on purpose)...maybe I still don't trust the relationship fully. Or, because of the timing...right now I just anticipate that he will be gone, too. As far as I know...he and his family are going to San Diego at the end of July (his usual vacation time)...and that is it. But, I am beginning to think the being left thing is STILL an issue with me.

I so need to get over myself!

No comments: