Thursday, April 28, 2005


I did a dumb thing this week. On Monday I accidentally took my Frederick type dog back to Rob rather than the real thing. I have joked about doing that, but I would never actually do it because I want to be able to take Frederick with me when I am away. Rob was fine with it and knows I didn't do it on purpose...but the thoughts rage on. I put my finger on it and emailed him this:

"So, I am on my way to get the pizza. Remind me not to wait 23 hours before eating because I ate THREE pieces of pizza. YUCK! Anyway, I was on my way thinking about what you said at the end today and then realized that after my "escapade" in October and your reaction (although I still think you were too easy on me AND I totally deserved it) to it...that I live in constant fear that when I make an honest to goodness, am not trying to keep anything from you mistake...I am going to get the same reaction because if I lied to you that once about somthing as big as cutting for a week, why should you believe me when I tell you I made a mistake and forgot the book, accidentally gave you the wrong dog, etc?"

I think I am so afraid I am going to lose the ONE safe place I have that I "NEED" to be perfect with the things Rob lets me borrow and try very, very, VERY hard to make zero errors in that department. Since the "incident" in October I have blown it TWICE now in just over 6 months.

Then there is the pizza. I purposely didn't eat all day because I knew I would have to have it...but it backfired and I had three pieces. THREE [insert any expletive here] pieces!

I want to purge, I want to cut...I want to figure out why my thinking is the way it is and why I just can't change it even though I want to.

Tonight is one of those nights when I want to throw away the last seven months and go back to all of it...I think if I did anything tonight that would be it...I'd nevet go back to Rob and cancel Toni because I know if I go back I won't try and stop it. I mean food is off anyway...but at least I keep down what I eat and some days I probably hit is was probably 3000!

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