Saturday, April 16, 2005

Home Sweet Home..

...I woke up at the crack of dawn because I was having dreams about VBS. Isn't THAT a scary thought??

Called my mom to tell her happy b-day...had a good conversation...woo hoo!

Called Rob and then actually went to breakfast at the restaurant next door. I am actually hungry...WAS hungry. Now I am incredibly full. I may have to go back to The Block and walk around. Yuck. Oh well...I'll not eat again until tonight at Disneyland anyway.

Got and email from Dr. D a bit ago. I have to admit it feels GOOD that there are people here who DO want to see me, who are happy I am here and who love my baking/fudge making skills. He told me he shared stuff with the office and that the cookies were "exceptionally good" this time. He also liked my peanut butter bread recipe so I need to save it and then send it to him. He also told me once again I look "great." Ugh...coming from him is high praise considering my weight...but he knows about the PCOS and that it's not from my lack of trying...although I am sure the restricting doesn't help. But I trust him totally and I won't argue with him...too much! :)

There are so many memories...both good and bad...old and older and not so old that surround me when I am here. I think the good part about staying this "far north" is that the restaurants around here do not have purging memories tied to them. Last summer I was driving around trying to figure out where to eat that didn't hold a memory of me eating a full or partial meal and then coming home and getting rid of it. That is not an issue here in Buena Park. The memories are still very strong and leave me in a strange space. By and large I am NOT the same person I was five years ago when I was at my sickest...but the pull to numb everything out, to crawl back into the hole I had created for myself is still there at times.

One thing I told Dr. D when I emailed him last night was as much as I gush(ed) about Marc and Greg (two of the therapists I had when I was here) there is a Ton to be said about conistency. Next week will be 29 months since I started seeing Rob and there are many times it feels as if we are JUST scratching the surface. I think there is some truth to that and I think Dr. D would agree. It may be consistent, but there has been a huge battle within me that this is it until "the end" and that I can trust this relationship. It's two steps forward and one back a lot of the time, but he hasn't given up and that speaks volumes.

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