Monday, July 03, 2006

Monday Musings

VBS 2006 is over. All I need to do is move the stuff we put in the narthex to storage and remove the Daily Challenge Flags to my office. I need to clean up the Children’s Church room, make returns to Berean Christian Store and then wait for Group to release the 2007 theme next Monday.

I am not sure I can adequately express what last week meant, how it went, etc. Not because I don’t know how it went…but because I have failed to engage in those feelings. As an outsider looking in, I think it was fantastic. We only had 25 kids, but they sang, they ran, they loved their leaders and you could tell they were having a blast. The feedback has been 100% positive…from the leaders, from the kids and from the parents. They told me about their kids singing VBS songs in the car all the time, they told me how much the kids loved their leaders and they thanked me for all my hard work. Heck, I’d do it again in a heartbeat…I am still exhausted…but it is all worth it.

My constant refrain is that I don’t deserve to feel good about what happened last week. I was simply doing my job. Rob told me there is no “deserve” about it and I get that in my head…but the rest of my being just scream that I don’t deserve to take any enjoyment out of what happened. It is selfish, self-centered and my volunteers deserve all the credit. Without them it could not have happened. Rob and I talked about choice…that when “I don’t deserve” pops up I have a choice what to believe. I told him I understand that, but it doesn’t feel like a choice. It doesn’t feel like I have the option of believing it or not…it just is.

Then I again told him what I hate to admit. I hate to admit it because even though it is true…it goes against every single thing I know to be true as a Christian. I told him that it would be so much easier to see these things as choices or to question my belief in certain things if I didn’t hate myself so much. The “funny” thing about that is I can look at things through a 3rd person lens and can’t figure out WHY or HOW I can possible hate myself with such a passion at times.

I have a job that while only PT I have come to love more than I ever thought possible. I have some great relationships with the Jr. Highers that are authentic and that means there is something there they see that I cannot. One of my friends asked me if the 5th and 6th graders were OK with coming to VBS. I could honestly tell her they like me so they are cool with it. For better or worse, I am fairly capable in the kitchen and love to share that gift with friends, family and Rob. I know that I know that I know I am not faking any of it; I can see where God has gifted me for ministry and am in the right place for this time in my life but there is that constant gnawing, that constant voice and the feeling at the core of me that it’s wrong…that I am wrong…that I am an example of a total failure.

It’s like I should just be able to tell myself that I know that has to be a bunch of baloney because if it were really true how could I walk into the Nursery and see John turn around and give me a huge smile or Anna let me cuddle her or kids I barely met at the beginning of the week giving me hugs and telling me they will be back next year!

We finally hired a Youth Director. I am excited and yet a little worried. It’s been three years since the job was stripped from me, but I am still not sure how I really feel. I wish it were a guy…I think it’d be easier! My biggest fear is that they are going to take Jr. High away from me. I can follow…that is not a problem and yet I can see why they would want me 100% out of the picture to let someone new make the connections. If that happens I know I am going to have some problems readjusting. I want to and need to support the new person so I will do it if I am asked…but I pray that they will allow me to continue on.

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