Friday, July 21, 2006

What is Going on in My Head?





Change is good. Change is a part of life. But, I think change is what is kicking off the ED stuff in my head. Of course the timing stinks because Rob and Toni are on vacation, but change waits for no one. Not that I can't handle it...I am pretty sure I CAN and it's not even bad stuff...but I think it is just uncovering wounds that haven't quite healed.

I feel silly for letting Debra starting at church get to me. I met with her for almost three hours. I love her, I think she can make stuff happen that I wanted to...but for reasons not all ED related...probably wouldn't have in the first place and I know the kids are going to love her as well. Yet, it still hurts. I think the good thing is I can hear Rob tell me that as much as I don't want it to or as much as I tell myself that it "shouldn't" hurt that the reality is it does. And it makes sense why. Hating myself for feeling what I am isn't helping, blah, blah blah...

The thing is that I can tell myself all that...but he's in Santa Barbara (or will be) and I have a hard time sitting with it alone. I do understand where it comes from. I loved the kids, I loved being their YD, but it's been over for three years and honestly, I wouldn't take the job back if they offered it (I like being "just" a volunteer), but it's still hard to see someone else in that role. I knew those feelings would probably surface, but I think I am surprised they actually DID.

The first thing I want to do is purge those feelings. There are times I want to yell at Rob and tell him it's not fair that I had to give up behaviors before I was ready to do it for myself...that I did it more out of fear of what would happen if I couldn't control them. Then I want to tell him that in such and such a movie (thanks, Lifetime) so and so's therapist didn't make her quit until she was ready to release the behaviors herself. But, this isn't a made for TV movie. I am beginning to think I am really mad at Rob for pretty much making me give it all up cold turkey. Not that I want to go back. But, I need to know it is not the end of the world if I slip at some point in time.


Dreaming again said...

Hey ... D ... just wanted to tell you something.

I love you.

I'm praying for you.

I'm serious.

The Thief said...

Hey, Deneice, it's not the end of the world if you slip. But you really don't want to. Really.

Hang in there. Your friends are pulling for you.