Fear is a great motivator. I'm now very motivated!

Seriously, fear is what got me into therapy in the first place, fear is what caused me to call Remuda after my OD almost three years ago, etc. And, I think fear is what is going to get me on track. I am not sure how much this job is on the line after Sunday's "episode," but the ice is thinning a bit. Fourteen years and I have NEVER had a day that bad...ever...and I have had some pretty bad days. Okay, spraining both wrists might be worse...but that was one dizzy spell and it was over.

So, I ate last night...and now I gained three pounds. Okay, let's do the math. This means I ate 10,500 calories more than I used. Ummmm...no...not at Fresh Choice at any rate...I suppose about 8 bowls of clam chowder might do it...but I didn't even use a full serving of dressing on my salad. So, I do know this is not a complete truth...and I have to keep telling myself that if I want to do this.

The awful thing is...I AM a bit torn. I do not want to lose the job that I love, where I can be for a very long time and where this "problem" or not...Steve thinks I am doing a fantastic job! But, augh...the fight I have ahead of me...okay...I admit it...right now I can't see my way through it because I have no energy to deal with it.

I came home from John's VB game (it was earlier than usual and he didn't know...so I saw the last three minutes or so...however, Jesse isn't playing baseball this week so I can go to Thursday's game) and fell asleep around 7...I woke up a couple time...but just let myself sleep. I woke up really weak this morning and that was after eating well yesterday and sleeping well. One meal isn't going to make up for almost 4 days...but I had string cheese this morning! I know...but I have to start someplace!