I LOVE DSL!!! We finally got it at church! Anyway...

Saw Toni today...went pretty well...I vented about yesterday because I guess if it seems I jump around...I know what I am doing...but when it happens when he does it...it's a control issue thing again. I think...it kind of makes sense.

So, saw my bloodwork and it looks great...which well...is a good new/bad news thing. The one thing that does concern me is my protein level was a little high. Hmmm...it could mean that my body is actually burning muscle and not fat now. Then I look in the mirror and cannot fathom how that can't be...you should see my thighs and I am serious...they are awful and look worse from losing weight...I hope I can get them into some sort of decent shape one of these days. I need to start going to a gymj to build muscle and make a real effort to up the protein. Not that I am eating a lot of carbs...bad ones anyway...mainly fruit and bran muffins and veggies...very little protein and almost no animal protein.

So, fear is a great motivator and keeping my job is a great reason to kick myself into gear...but Toni is right when she said there HAS to be a small part of me that wants this for ME as well...otherwise I wouldn't have made the steps I have made this week...small they may be.

I got an email today from someone at Cokesbury about doing some writing. I was one of about a half dozen asked to do so. The guy said he likes my perspective on youth ministry. Wow! I was also asked to be a moderator for the new YS Bulletin Boards double wow. Maybe the fact I have admitted lately in email and maybe here that I am a darn good youth worker was a good thing...opened a door real quick. Writing is a talent God gave me ages ago and I know I have always wanted the opportunity to use it...but I am still shocked! It's for a bi-weekly email edition of a newsletter and pays $50 an article. The money is cool...but not as cool as being asked...I'd do it for free!

Anyway, I am finishing out the bottle of DPs and that's it...no more. Very scared...but I know I need to do it. I have been very fortunate so far that the Ephedra has done nothin to me and I think I may be at a point where it could very soon. One step at a time...

As I looked at what was accomplished this week it is pretty amazing. Not that is anywhere near normal of where I need to be and not like it was anything HUGE...but eating consistently even when I don't want it is pretty nifty! Heck, even though I "gained" (restored fluid) weight this week...I ended up losing three pounds without intending to. Meaning...purging, not eating period after I "gained," etc.

I am scared to death of all of this...but I can't be scared forever of everything...right?