I don’t think I have had less of a productive day than today. So much is swimming in my brain. Most of it is how my family is going to come with the $13,000+ it will cost to send me back to AZ. If my grandparent’s didn’t have to make this move this week…it’s be a done deal.

I never wanted this. I really thought that once I found a therapist I liked and hooked up with a dietitian things would fall into place. But, I also know myself well enough to know that it was too late. I want to be able to do “life” and all I need to do in therapy at the same time…but I have not found that balance yet. I’ve done it before…thing is…some people didn’t like it because I wasn’t always “up.” If I had a hard day…people knew and they didn’t want to know. But, I really don’t think that would happen here. Joe, the dad of one of my kids and one of my adult leaders, can tell when I am trying to be but I’m not. No one else has picked up on it much…but he said something to me about a month ago. That family is way too observant! But, they are also some of my most favorite people in the whole wide world! J

The question still rattles in my brain on the “why” I want to do this. Job preservation is not the only reason…but it’s a good one! Seriously, though, I know if a part of me doesn’t want to do this for ME then it will be a waste of money and time. I know 30 days won’t fix anything…but if it can give me a kick-start and at the very least get me nutritionally stable then that will help when I come back to Rob.

That’s the other thing…I don’t want to leave him…so I miss like 8 appointments…big whoop…but that’s EIGHT appointments. And almost no contact because I can’t leave the cul-de-sac the first week and then I have to get taken to the library to get on the Internet. Okay, I am paranoid…sue me… Even for all the right reasons I would be doing this…to make a quick switch for 4 weeks seems a little like a pain. That is probably because my therapist at LIFE was bad…really bad. Some of the other girls & I would stand around asking each other for a topic for our therapy sessions because we had nothing we WANTED to say to her! She didn’t last much longer after I left. I have never given anyone such a bad evaluation before. Given the two pre-Rob bozos I have seen I would give them big huge ZEROS…but Kelvyanne was the first.

If I am on meal support my whole stay I won’t complain. The rate I eat now…eating a whole meal I have little to no control (there’s that word again) over is very daunting. It’s not like I’d be going in eating fairly normal amounts like I was straight from Rio…I am pretty much doing a little better in that department than I was when I went to Rio…at least the last week and a half.

Twenty five hours until my next appointment with Rob…not that I am counting because God knows 1/2 of what is going through my head won’t get said because it takes me forever just to do the 1/2 I CAN/WILL talk about.