Loss of control = FAT...for ME. I am NOT making some gross generalization...but to give up control or channel it to have healthy control means the bones go away...God I wanted to tell him that...but there was no time...it was very obvious that there was SOMETHING on my mind before I left...but without time to get into it...why bother? Next week it'll be gone and last Monday will be gone and he oviously doesn't care about that OTHER stuff because he didn't even mention it today. It was such the "big deal" that I say to him what I couldn't on Monday and he didn't ask...Just like Monday he won't ask about today.

So, today was all about control and I admit it...he gave me an opening one I said it was ONE of the primary issues. He asked me what the others were and I went silent...if HE doesn't know by now...I know..not HIS job...but grrrrr.....Bones...I don't want to lose the bones which is basically wanting to disappear...same thing...new visual.

Sometimes I wish I knew what he thinks about me. One minute I am convinced he cares and the next am convnced he wouldn't care if I dropped dead tomorrow. I have no clue what he is going to tell Steve. If I lose my job...he doesn't get it. Will it be a wake-up call? Yeah....BUT that also means no insurance, no more of my own place and no more seeing him, Toni, my MD. One thing that keeps me going that makes me want to try is this job...yes I am moving slowly...but I want to do this because for all I don't know about me I do that I am an awesome youth worker when allow myself to enjoy it...which isn't often...but I do know it's true. Enough people have told me that I know it's true and without it...I have nothing. So, maybe what he tells Steve is going to mean I lose everything...I don't think he got that. I'd have to be back home with my mother with NO outlet.

I'm just really confused because it was like he was mad at me or something. I SCREWED UP...I admit it...I didn't think a lousy piece of pizza would do that to me...now we all know...I am not READY for it right now. Fine, there is plenty of stuff to challenge myself on.

I don't get it...I really don't.

I've been doing pretty well food wise. I feel worse eating than I did without eating...just no major dizy spells. I think I am coming close to the 500 calories a day...I'm trying at any rate.

I just don't know what's going to happen...