This week has flown by in some respects and at the same time is going so slow...kinda like my brain!

For the first time in weeks I woke up at 3 and couldn't get back to asleep. So, I came in at 5 this morning and except for the fact that I haven't done ANYTHING for Children's Ministry for May...I am pretty much set from this end. I have a Kids Day Out event from 10-2 and then from 3-5ish...we will be setting up tables for the Easter Breakfast as it is also one of our fundraisers for the Mission Trip.

Things are chugging along at home as well. My apartment is almost completely clean and my suitcase just needs to be packed. I also need to get a phone card and batteries (if I can find my Discman). WHEN???? I think I am going to have to do it Monday. I can sleep on the plane Tuesday morning.

Tuesday...is it even possible? Two weeks to the day after Steve first approached me with his concerns. Almost seems like months ago...but things have gone so much faster than last time! I don't feel near as ready as I did three years ago. But, the circumstances were different then as well. It was about 6 weeks from the time of my Prozac OD 'til Ieft for Remuda and the fact it never entered my mind NOT to take more than one coupled with Marc's leaving it just seemed like the thing I needed to do because at that point I knew it was going to be go or end up dead soon...either from the ED or suicide.

This time? Part of it is job preservation...I admit that and even at that if I get extended I may lose my job as they will only hold it for 40 days...although under the Family Medical Leave Act I am allowed up to 90...but I am trying not consider that a possibility at all. But, I also know that at least from the standpoint of meeting nutritional needs...I need to be there and stabilize by eating (or lack thereof) so I can do what I need to do in therapy...I think I buy that. Toni says it all the time and Marc used to say it too...constantly. I also know it would take FOREVER doing everything OP...and good labs or no good labs (latest set were good...only one really close to the bottom range...sodium...not a good thing)...the energy isn't there as much as I'd like. I can drum it up pretty well when I really need it (i.e. Capture the Flag in the church...in the DARK)...but it's getting harder to do and well i think we all know mentally I'm REALLY sinking fast.

I am not even thinking about the other component of this whole thing though. I must be driving Rob batty with nothing about food, weight, etc. when we talk about Remuda. Part of it may be because I had a lousy therapist when I was there the last time so I don't have a clue what it will be like this time. That and I am only going to see this person 4 times 5 at most in 30 days. It's a very strange place to be in...wanting it /not wanting it...wanting to be compliant as always/sick of being compliant as always...etc., etc., etc.

Maybe I will have an awful therapist again and that will make me appreciate Rob even more! :) I know what you're going to say..."Make up your mind...first Marc was the best and then Greg and now Rob...bored now." But it's true...honest. I have never laughed so much in therapy...ever. But that isn't all of it...and more than Ferderick as well. That is going to be hard to give up...I brought him home on Thursday and I love him and am soooooooo thankful Rob seid I could take him with me! So, I am 33 and have to take a big adorable stuffed with me to AZ. Sue me! I am sure Bambi will also find it's way into my suitcase as well...Bambo needs to show up soon...the "guerilla warfare" Greg and I were working on has got to be still in my head someplace.

Oh yeah...Rob. Some days the name is hard to deal with. Robbie hasn't emailed me back since the one I got just before "The Glories" started which hurts...but I think I was too honest too soon. I point blank asked him why he quit talking to me. I just end up thinking about Robbie some days...whether I want to or not...but no more or less than a lot of my So Cal friendsAs supportive and encouraging as everyone is...my mind continually goes back to the day he told me that he thinks of this whole ED thing as a baseball game...as long as I kept playing...he'd be in the stands cheering me on. I miss that voice in the stands.

Speaking of sports (and therefore Rob)...that's another thing. Greg would let me mindless chatter for a bit and then cut me off (he was wise to the diversion tactic...) We talk sports...okay probably because I am now and avid reader of Sports Illustrated...but I am so torn between our teams and my So Cal teams...sorry the Angels aren't doing well...stoked that SF is...Go Ducks, etc. Besides, the sports thing goes over well with the few guys that are really into sports.

Truthfully, I can't totally put my finger on "the thing" that I appreciate the most and will miss. But the hugs..yeah...since those 2 each week are about the only ones I get...going to miss them a lot. Maybe if I had more sleep thiswould make more sense.

Anyway, I need to figure out what else needs to be done...