Let me try this again and be a little more clear...ha!

Okay...yes...I already am fat and I guess the one "payoff" of this stupid ED is being less so. Again...never the "why," but it's funny what happens as the scale goes down, the clothes fit different...people treat you different, etc. But, it's like I "discpline" myself not to need food, not to want it, not to "desire" it because it makes my life "streamlined" and carries over in all areas...I'm bad therefore...I DESERVE to be disciplined...besides it is a GOOD thing. I get work done...I am this administrative "genius." I do my job well...

What is out of control now? This is where I get all confused and not sure what the hell is going on for me. Not a whole lot. Granted, maybe it's because there is a lot going on around me and I feel a loss of control, maybe because I am fighting myself tooth and nail on the food issue itself. Meaning, I stabilize and that means I am an undisciplined BLOB of FAT...even at a pound or two a week loss it means I am "successful." I know enough to know how absolutely nuts it sounds. Maybe "disappearing" means the ultimate control for me...that the more I feel bones and notice that I can feel them in spots easier then I feel like I am in control of my emotions, my actions...not the stuff around ME...simply ME. Even today, as things got hard to hear and to try and comprehend, I ended up laying on the couch to feel my ribcage...can't see it yet...but it's there and I can knock on it...just like my collarbone...why would I want to lose that? Okay...choice of losing that vs. "everything," I lose "that," but it's not going to be easy and sure as heck isn't going to happen overnight!

I want to disappear...control & disappearing...the two things that I "get" from the ED. That and wrist bones, collarbones, etc. I have this cool bracelet a friend sent me just over a year ago and it used to fit around my wrist...not anymore. My watch either.

I was reading the 2nd chapter of PDL which was aptly named, "You are NOT an Accident." I struggle with that a lot. What Rick Warren said in his book made sense and was very encouraging...but I wonder if there will ever be a day I won't feel like I am one and need to be taken off this earth to set things right.

These are snippets from earlier blogs and kind of say it all. My form of control "appears" to make me a better youthworker because...I dunno..I lost the thought...I guess I treat my time as I treat me eating...that doesn't make sense either. I guess I mean that controlling my food also helps me control my time, stay organized, get things done because if I am disciplined there...so does that mean if I eat I lose that? No...but not controlling and knowing just about everything that goes in my mouth and/or what is done with it...HELP...I don't get it myself.

I just try to think HOW I got to where I was post-Remuda and try to remember WHAT I was like before I left CA. That person was on her way to having healthy control...but I don't know what I did to get there and don't know HOW to get back.