Went to The Core today...loved it as usual...weird not to know a lot of people there though. Not used to it.

I looked in the mirror today at the church...it was weird...I looked NORMAL...I mean as normal as I can be at any rate. I never think I look like I have lost as much weight as the scale proves I've lost...no matter what my scale says, no matter what the tags in my clothes say, etc. It had got to be the mirror...I say that because I never look the same in each mirror I see. Toni is picking up on some body image stuff from the writing I gave her during our appointment yesterday and we are going to go through Lisa's (my former dietitian) body image book together.

I am down to my last 4 diet pills with the goal of not replacing them. I am very apprehensive about it, but I know it is the right thing. I feel very fortunate to have not have had any adverse side effects from years of taking them when I read SI in the waiting room and hear of yet another athlete (high school this time) who has died of a heart attack from taking them and just like me, not abusing them...simply taking as directed.

Sigh...I am pretty tired from today...as good as it was. But, I have Tori's play tonight and I wouldn't miss that at all. I am looking forward to seeing it. But, my energy level still isn't great and even though I am eating consistently...I feel a little better...but can tell when I push too much and even just the seminar did it. But, I was very much in my element. I wish the whole team could have come...but life happens and that's exactly what happened to everyone.

I IM'd with a RR alumna who is from here as well...only she's a lot younger than I am. An EDA group started here in January and she has been once, but there was only one other person there so she couldn't give me a good overview of it. I am thinking about going this week...we'll see. I hate groups, but maybe it couldn't hurt. I went once to an ANAD group in So Cal and I LOVED it, but it started not long after my appt. with Greg and so to go right from Greg's to Laguna Nigel or wherever it was just hard for me so I never went back...at least I would five hours between Rob & this group. I wish there was an ANAD group around though. I have nothing AGAINST the 12 steps...but I liked the ANAD group I went to.

Part of me wants to look like I am doing everything right and restrict more anyway...still take the dp's, etc. I have this lame 'ol goal weight in mind...well two of them. An "acceptable" one I can live with and the one I would literally end up dying for...but I want to be there just once.

I realize what Toni says about a lot of what goes through my head is very much body image related is true. But, I also tld her it is very much tied in with I don't "need" food and I most certaainly don't "deserve" food. Or, as I put it in an email to Rob:

I don’t need it
I waste it when I do have it
Food is the enemy
Everything about me is just wrong
I am a toxic person
I’m a lousy daughter
No one thinks I am going to beat this thing

Okay...the last one is more my mother doesn't think I will beat this...ever.

It scares me because I have been down this road before. I get all rah-rah recovery and it lasts a few weeks and then BOOM...I fall apart all over again. I know it doesn't have to be this way this time...but it is still on my mind...how long will this last? How long will my vision be cleared enough to see that I am maaking solid baby steps? How long will I look in the mirror and see a beached whale? How long will I think because Rob doesn't say he thinks I need to eat I will automatically think he thinks I am...well...you know. The thing is...how many times did Marc practically beg me to eat? Did I listen to that? No. My thought was...you only want me to eat so I won't drop dead on you. Actually, that was his thinking...that and there was no way I could do the work in therapy without eating. No one since him (except at Remuda) has ever said that (Toni does...so I mean therapist) so I get it in my head that Marc thought that and he was wrong...the mistake of an intern. Besides, there is a LOT about Marc that was different than anyone else and I admit that I still miss some of that...but I also don't really need it now like I did then. But, the calls were nice...the out of the blue ones.

Okay, time to get gas and head to Tori's play.