Wow! Haven't posted in a few days...but that's okay because most everyone who reads this has received email updates on what's going on right now anyway!

So, I have talked to Val, talked to Rob and talked to Toni. I will probably do the financial stuff with Michelle later this week. I am waiting for Val to call back to set that up. Her response to all this was, "Let's get you here ASAP." Okay...she always says that...but I know she meant it. Toni is totally supportive about it and thinks it might help and Rob wants to talk more on Thursday. He isn't opposed to it at all...he said there is a lot of wisdom in doing this...so we shall see.

I am questioning if I am doing this for job preservation or because it is what I need to do. Honestly, it IS a mix of the two...but I think if I truly thought about it hard and let myself really take an good look at what is going on...I know this is what I need to try and do. If God closes this door than maybe I simply cut back my hours so I am not so busy I don't do the work outside of Rob's office that I should be doing. The whole thing is very scary right now and as long as Steve doesn't think I will come back "all better," I can deal.

Timing wise there could not be a better time actually. Everything is running fairly smoothly right now so if I could go right after Easter it'd all be good! Okay, should it happen sooner that would be better I am sure...but I would rather wait until all I need to get done for Easter is over! There is a lot going on here the next two weeks.

Steve told me he could find no fault in my work which was awesome to hear, but how long can I truly keep up my pace? I'd rather not find out.

Yesterday's session was interesting. Rob was as clear as mud about exactly what he and Steve talked about and today Steve wasn't much better. I decided to go with the control issue thing since he brought it up again and quite frankly now that he and Steve can talk (and dummy me gave permission for Rob to tell Steve anything and everything) do I want to even talk about some of that other stuff? This however, is a fear of Steve's...that I will hide more and make everything look "good" in fear. The thought has crossed my mind and I told him that. Anyway, all the stuff I said about control here the last few days I did tell Rob...it took about 15 minutes of starting and stopping and him continually encouraging me...but I did it.

I know he is still frustrated with my lack of emotional depth in session...but I am working on it and am getting better. He loaned me a couple books and I am reading one of them now. It's pretty good and makes a ton of sense...even if it was published the year I was born! :) Very practical and understandable, etc.

Sometimes I think one of the things I struggle with in sessions with him is that my feelings toward him are not simply neutral. I mean with Marc & Greg I was never really mad or upset with them (at least while we were in the same room) and didn't even get mad at Marc for almost 6 months after he left for leaving. With Rob it's different because, even if I haven't said it to HIM at the time, I have been mad at him while he is in the room. He makes me laugh easily which I love...so the whole dymamic is different and "weird" to me still. I wouldn't give it up for anything though...I guess he's kinda the first one who continually reminds me that he is human and very human and as he said yeaterday, "King of the Stupid Club." Not true...funny to hear it..but not true. Plus, we can talk sports, music, etc.

Today I put butter on my muffin. Hey...I was eating them plain. They are really good that way...but I decided to go for broke! And, I LIVED! How pathetic is that...I used butter...I NEVER used to be afraid of it before...at RR I used to tell people it was the better choice (over margerine...still feel that way) for them because it is natural. Okay, I am afraid of Ensure Light, too and never have been.

I was going to go to John's VB game today...but I am exhausted and think I will skip it tonight...maybe...I have 2 1/2 hours 'til it starts...with traffic I'd have to leave in about 90 minutes...it's an away game...blech! But, his season is almost over and that will bee a bummer...so I'd like to be there. If I go to RLP thaan I will miss Charlie's track meets...but I know there will be others.