Tuesday, April 13, 2004

A Date (on the calendar) on Any Other Day Would be Just That...

I don't know why I am getting all freaky and anxious about April 22nd. For the same reason that I get all freaky and anxious about May 14th, May 17th and July 1st. They all have meaning to me...but U just need to get over myself and get it through my big, huge fat head that it is JUST a date. So it was April 22, 2003 I went to Remuda LIFE? Big deal. I started this job on September 1, 2002...started my job in Indiana September 10, 2001. Rob talks about stuff I give "power" to and when I try to not allow it to have any of said power...he wants me to dig and share why I get all freaky. I CHOOSE to get all freaky...well not at first...but once I realized I am freaked I can choose to remind myself it is just a another day...but he still pushes... What part of "I always do this with dates...I just have a 'thing' with remembering certain dates" did he not get?

Yesterday was another one of those sessions where he decides to re-evaluate things that tend to:

1. leave me feeling like the world's biggest idiot
2. bring on tears at which point he gets silent and yesterday he YAWNED
3. make me wonder why he even puts up with me

I reacted yesterday...not in a good way. He slipped. I know I am not the only one with an ED he treats...I try not to think about the many others he sees day in and day out...but I am not so stupid that I think I am the only one with an ED. So, we were talking about behaviors and he talked about how I am not binging and purging or cutting. I DO NOT BINGE...I NEVER HAVE AND DON'T PLAN ON STARTING...but because I look like the "Monster that Ate Manhattan," it is assumed I binge or that I am a COE by many people.

Heck...last year when I got to LIFE, one of the people that had just moved to IL from the house I was in binged on oatmeal cookie dough and left the evidence in the downstairs bathroom under the sink. My new housemates and some of the others on the cul-de-sac thought I did it even though I only there two days before it was found. They didn't believe me when I said it wasn't me and I don't binge. They said they did, but when the truth came out they admitted they didn't believe me when I stated my innocence. And, they based it on my looks...because I am ED-NOS and NOT emaciated.

I look at him, tears spring to my eyes (big mistake) and I tell him I don't binge. He apologized and said he was thinking of someone earlier who does and it slipped out and that he is not perfect. That last part ticked me off...I don't expect him to be perfect. He slipped and I reacted...life goes on. The "I'm not perfect" came out a little sarcastic (to my ears) and things jujst went downhill from there.

I got home I decided to finally get off my beached whale of a behind and get back to the gym. I hate the gym I belong to...but it is cheap. I called him before I left and told him I understood he said it and didn't mean to and that I know he only human because he points it out all the time. Then I told him that as long as I look like I do people will continue to make that error and I am going to rectify that situation. So, off I went to the gym.

I am not sore today and I am going back as soon as I get off work and go change. But, I am very disappointed in my lack o' stamina. I went three years before I went back to the gym last year at LIFE and was in better shape than I am now after only a few months. That has me doubly disgusted with myself.

I know me and I have front loaded my dieitian to what is going on, but I don't see her for another week. I can do a lot in a week.

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