Frustrated!!!

If you are part of the YS community...this is just taken from my G-town posts...


You are going to hear me say this a lot over the next month and it means nothing...but I need to vent it and say it and all that jazz.

Right now...I REALLY REALLY REALLY miss my ED. Not that it is 100% gone or anything...but compared to last year...

I think it is because I am almost to my one year anniversary of going to Remuda LIFE and it's bringing up a whole lot of stuff right now. I mean I can sit her and say, "I was a lot better off a year ago."

Okay...I LOOKED better a year ago, but I was not healthy at all...but I miss it. I miss the familiarity of it, I miss the "control" I had in my life and I miss the clothes I won't be wearing because they don't fit.

I miss the feel of the few bones I was able to feel...I miss being able to knock on my collarbone...
I'll get over it and in two weeks my dietitian and I are going to go do a "then"and "now" chart...fun!

Yesterday, Rob and I taalked about my still lingering food fears. I am not even sure how we git away from it. But, I think because I fell flat on my face two months after I got home and then was planning to kill myself...other stuff took a back seat.

We talked about how my fear of exercising (which I like to do...but will always OVERDO and now I don't at all....really bad) and fear of the high I get from the exercise/restrict combo might send me right back into the ED doesn't HAVE to be...just because it has in the past. I really and truly know that and Rob is right. At least this time as I start to eat 3 meals a day and exercise...I have a team that will "smack me" (not literally) if I start to go way overboard. But, what I couldn't say in session was that there is a HUGE part of me that is still so self-destructive that I don't care if it happens...that way I will destroy myself one way or another like I deserve. I couldn't say it...I tried...but I froze up and told Rob he is right about it all. At which point he probably knew what i was thinking and didn't push me. He had me promise to email him later. I did.

Now I am all paranoid because I haven't heard from him at all. He is doing this for my own good I am sure...but it's not fun. I flipping NEED his support right now and this silence is really getting to me.

It was so hard to be so honest with him that I miss the high of a two hour work out and no food...that haughty "YOU need food, but I don't."

Hell...at this point I often feel like at least I was GOOD at ED...not so much in other areas. Saying that, I can hear Rob refuting it as he has done before...which is a good thing. And hey..."winning" at ED is death...which I still roll around in my head. Nothing like before Christmas...but it's there...I usually don't let it linger too much.

This time, like never before, has the anniversary date of Remuda put me on such shaky ground. That is really funny because the first time around I had to go to Rio then LIFE. But, I belonged at Rio last year...they just slapped a behavior contract on me to bring me in line. In retrospect, I was not ready to go last year. I did it to save my job...which then was changed when I got home anyway.

The honesty with Rob and Toni is good and I just have to fight all those ED urges to be sneaky and deceptive about behaviors and food intake.

That being said...I am still 2 1/2 months purge free and 6 weeks SI free.