Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Pretend this is a Catchy Title!

I can't come up with a title the describes how I feel and what it going on in my head.

Yesterday I finally broke down and blew everything. Of course, sanity tells me I set myself up for it all and I have no problem accepting responsibility for it at all. On the other hand there is me beating me up for not being "strong" enough to get out of it.

I went to the gym yesterday (no food) and worked out for a little over and hour. I was going to wait until my mom came home to eat (safety in numbers)...but I was hungry. I don't often feel hunger so it was a bit overwhelming. I ate. I didn't overeat...I didn't binge...I ate a "normal" meal albeit short on the carbs in my neal plan. It sunk to the bottom of my stomach like a rock. At one point I finally picked up the phone and called Rob absolutely sobbing in my VM about how I hate food and hate myself for being so weak ans giving in and that I just wanted to get rid of it and who knows what else I said. I also called my dieitian. Rob called me back between sessions and tried his best to calm me was just nice to have a voice on the other end of the phone. He told me he felt helpless and he wished that he could give me a hug. I hate when my actions cause proplr to feel helpless...but there is only so much anyone can do on the phone.

We hung up and I couldn't take it. I thought it had been too long and a purge was impossible. Nope. It was possible. It felt good. It felt soooooo good to get the evil, vile food OUT of my body...leaving me empty and "in control." I also called Toni and told her what happened because I was afraid I'd lie if I didn't. I also called Rob again. Toni called me back and I have to keep a food diary between now and next Wednesday. My eating has been off for a few weeks and in the grand scheme of things...longer than that...but not way off.

So, to top it all off...I cut. That was punishment for failure and actually didn't do a whole lot for me...this is a good thing.

I know this has been building for a few weeks now...I am not sure why except for my HUGE problem of not being able to let Rob 100% in. I try...but it's so hard. He keeps saying there is saftey there and no judging me, etc. I know he means it. The man has shown me in every way, shape and form that I am safe with him...I think it's the after him that holds me back.

Today I am feeling a little "off" and nauseous...but I want to go to the gym when I get home. food and cardio is not a good thing...I can barely do a 1/2 hour od cardio right now (though I do burn a lot of calories in that time) and only one circuit of weights...but...I just want to keep it up before Toni shuts me down next week. I am being such a baby!

It is so scary to admit how much I miss the ED. Rob and I talked about that Monday and he pointed out what was happening before I went back to LIFE. Last night I found myself really missing the books and videos I gave him before I left last year.

I need to step back and tomorrow be totally honest with Rob and fight through all of this and let him in...and tell him if he just sits there while I cry...I won't be open because I feel so incredibly alone when he does that.

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