Sunday, April 18, 2004

He Snapped...

Thursdays session was awful. From the minute I walked in the door until the moment I walked out it was awful. He barely spoke to me...there was "nothing" there. I told him I was tired and reaction. I told him I did it...but wasn't make any plans to do it again...he said that was good. Long strecthes of silence...he closed in prayer. He hugged me...but it was forced and we both knew it.

I called him when I got home and don't remember a lot of what I said except that I was sorry for things that were said on Monday and for how today went and I wished I could take it all back. He emailed me later that night and told me he had stuff to say...but didn't want to do it in email. He also said that he knows I didn't ask...BUT...he had two times open on Friday. I took one of them...I should have taken both and worried about the $$ later.

Things were almost immediately better as soon as I walked in...but not "normal" and that is a good thing...hard...but in the long run a good thing.

A few things he told me (like me "freaking" over certain things he said) I really disagree with and have since phoned him and told him I was confused. We talked about why I am afraid to cry in his office even though it is the safest place in my world and that I trust him. First he tells me he is so glad to hear it...then I told him Monday I felt so incerdibly alone when he left me sitting there crying. No one quote me on this part...but it is kinda fuzzy. He said something about not knowing what to do because he wasn't sure if it was tears of pain or tears for the sake of tears (again...that is not quite right). Maybe he should give me the benefit of the doubt.

But, that brings me to the thing he thought would make me freak...but it hasn't. He said that he thinks/feels when I get stuck and can't tell him how I am feeling or can't say what is going on in my head I am playing the victim. I try to be so aware of that because that is the LAST thing I ever want to do. I made my choices and I am the one who has dig myself out...he just doesn't believe that fear truly renders me speechless. I am having a very hard time with this one...but he is tired of hearing that from me and chooses to no longer believe it.

He did bring up a good point that he does a lot of the work in our sessions. That he "emotes" in my place and I do believe there is a lot of truth in that. Why should I get mad/upset/etc. over an issue when he is doing it and I can nod in agreement?

Some of this stuff had been klinking around in my head since Monday aanyway and so I spent the rest of the time talking about fear and why I flit from topic to topic and how I have the "spiritual gift of distraction." Rob also said that whatever snapped inside him has made it be okay for him to take me where I am and if I babble about sports all be it. I think that freedom will be good for both of us.

I pulled out a notebook I had to start writing stuff down to share with Rob (and then never used it) and started making notes and stuff. I pulled out my Remuda notes from last year and sure a fear/anxiety "flow chart" FIRST physiological reaction is "deer in the headlights/being totally frozen." Take THAT Mr. Grellman! :) But, I also wrote down coping skills to help me get beyond that reaction. I looked at "Myths of Emotion" and the ones I still hold to be 100% true I write down. I looked at the 9 core feelinfs and the "gifts" we get from expessing those emotions and added what my experience of ecpressing those emotions have been...the lists don't mesh at all! I also have two column of how others see me (I have had to shamefully ask people...but I am getting it done) and how I see me. As a lot of things...the truth probably lies in between. No one is all good or all bad.

Finally, I started writing my fears about where he and I go from here. I found the email I wrote to some friends after I first saw him and said, "He's a Keeper." I still believe it...but there has been some damage done that I have to work through with him no matter what it brings up and it "ain't" gonna be pretty.

It is such a problem with me that I care TOO much about what he thinks and if he likes or me or not. I am wired that way and it will be that way with any therapist I see. I can't work with anyone who just sees me as a check.

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