Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Food is a 4 Letter Word!

We finally got to my list on Thursday, just as I had planned. But then I froze up and have been back-peddling on it. I avoided going there Monday as much as I could. He let me talk sports and we enjoyed that time and then I started talking about food stuff. Okay, some of that was probably total avoidance of the issues at hand…I have no problem owning that. But, there is a lot of stuff there as well. I hate eating, I still think food is the enemy and the fact that I am supposed to have at least two “eating episodes” a day has me rather freaked. Right now I have it in my head that eating is equal to losing control and gross so there is real food fear going on.

So, I am talking about it and then Rob looks at me and says, “Do you remember what we talked about last time?” It took me a few moments to remember because I was too busy obsessing over something he said to me on Thursday and all I wanted to do Friday and Saturday was sleep anyway. I was totally embarrassed it took me a bit to remember. And believe me, I KNOW that stuff is so important…but I really wanted to talk about the food issues. I can’t remember what I said, but I answered his question and then went into La-La Land. Not too long went by and I was tearing up because I really wanted to stay on the food thing. After what he said about me crying I tried to make the tears stop…he asked me what I was thinking. I then told him that I know we can’t let the other stuff go, but I really wanted to talk food with him instead because it is so hard. More silence. He then says, “You know, I think this is the first time you have ever told me what you want to talk about.” Geesh…it only took 17 months! Ugh.

We talked about food…about how I hate it, how I hate trying to eat, how I hate the feel of food in my stomach and that food is highly overrated. He told me that food is overrated…so I was happy to have agreement. Then I said something about if it is so overrated, why does “everyone” think I should eat so much. He told me that maybe I was right and they were wrong and the ones with the problem. Of course, I have now twisted that into Rob thinks I’m fat and I don’t need to eat. I also thought about canceling my appointment with Toni next week. Then I would have to tell her why and she’d hit the roof and call him and then it’s be a “thing” and while it might be humorous…it would be so wrong to do. Not that I won’t tell her about it because I will next week…but until then, I need to keep myself in check.

I did email both of them this:

“So, this morning I am checking my email and I get one from the CVS Pharmacy canceling my order because they don’t have it in stock. Believe me...there was momentary joy in all that! So, I went back on the web site and I was able to order the pudding directly from Mead-Johnson. Naturally, you are only able to order a whole case which I didn’t have to do on CVS...but a drank a Boost this afternoon and although it took a good 1/2 hour for me to finish it...it “sat” there and believe me I was not happy with myself for “giving in” so early...I was able to hold off until almost 7 last night. I am so disgusted with myself for not being able to even go more than 17 hours before having to drink the Boost. I used to be so well trained!

I have salmon and asparagus for dinner and I really want to used the excuse that it is way too hot to cook...but we also have a handy dandy toaster oven so it’s a lousy excuse...but the only one I have at the moment. I hate that I am sitting here and my stomach is growling, I hate that I am actually planning to not only cook but actually eat what I am cooking tonight and keeping it down because I have already had 240 calories today.”

Food is a real issue for me…but I also know it is just like sports…it keeps us from hitting the issues behind the food. Going there is very scary for me. I am having a hard time believing that I am the “what others say” list and not the “what I say” list. To believe that pretty much would destroy my world. It would mean a myriad of things that I can’t comprehend…among them being that the people that are supposed to love me most lied to me for years. As my little world comes tumbling down I also think I will become whiny and needy and I cannot abide that in ME…

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