Saturday, April 10, 2004

"I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just a Little Unwell"

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

I guess that means I am totally and utterly insane. Each time I think I can eat less than 1000 calories a day and it won’t affect me. Each time I end up thinking if 1000 is good…600 is better. If 600 is better…200-400 every other day is the best. This is where honesty with Rob and Toni is going to be 100% needed. If I don’t stay honest…well…it won’t take long for them to realize I haven’t been totally forthcoming.

This morning I got the scale out. I was off…but no less shocked at the weight I have gained in the past year. If I said it…I’d send shockwaves across the “blogosphere,” but even I know that is really a combination of my almost non-existent metabolism (thanks to 15 years of ED), the fact that as soon a started gaining again I freaked and started to restrict slowing it even more, my 4+ months of a major depressive episode that kept me from doing anything resembling exercise (okay…it was my choice…but all I wanted to do was sleep) and the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome that makes weight loss and even maintenance a very difficult thing for me.

One thing I got out of my last stay at LIFE last year was that if I ate my meal plan and exercised like I was supposed to (unlike over exercising which I’d RATHER do)…my metabolism will come back. Once they finally got me eating again…three meals and three snacks…and I was only going to the gym three times a week (plus all the regular walking to the mall, etc.)…I maintained. Not that I was happy about that, but I was also building muscle and actually was beginning to be able to tolerate my body.

So, the goal is to simply remember that and get back to doing those things. But, I really don’t WANT to do that until I get to where I was a year ago. This is where insanity reigns supreme! If I woke up that weight tomorrow it wouldn’t be good enough. It is truly amazing how fast the mindset can click back in.

For instance, today I had a Luna Bar (180 calories), a can of veggie soup (220 calories) and a grande non-fat iced Peppermint Mocha (like 350) and cannot believe what an utter cow I was today. Tomorrow I switch to regular coffee with nonfat creamer and Splenda. Then again…it is Easter and there is a 5 lb. Honeybaked Ham for the Honeybaked Ham store in the fridge and my grandpa is cooking. I won’t have b’fast at church tomorrow (I’ll donate $$$ and have coffee and maybe fruit) and then I’ll be OK. Monday I will hit the gym again and by next week be on a good routine.

There are flaws all over this…but that is where honesty with my team comes in. Cow that I am, I really am healthy overall…so I know Toni wants to see me eat consistently and not over exercise. She’ll worry about the weight stuff later. The thing that goes through my head is that I did it their way and look what happened…I CANNOT eat like everyone else and no one gets it.

Pills, exercise and restricting until I get to “socially acceptable” weight is the only way I can see right now.

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