Friday, April 02, 2004

How Can it Be???

I end up doing some of my best processing after I leave Rob's office and "ponder" what he said and all that good stuff. I came to a startling conclusion I am having a problem with:

Not that I have any type of “power” or whatever...but it’s like if it’s my fault then...I don’t know...then there is a REASON for all of it. I made the suggestion...she followed it...boom...accident...BUT there was a reason it it is my fault!

But, if “no one” “made” it happen and it just did (which is really the case when yout hink about it)...I think that is what I find hard to accept...Others have told me for the past two years it was “simply” an ACCIDENT. Nevermind that so much good has come out of something so tragic and that Gina in a wheelchair has hasn't stopped her much (living at home is a whole OTHER thing)...I am really struggling now that it was a just a stupid accident that happened...the way a million other things happen during the day.

Okay, has God used this accident in not only her life but in all our lives that are close to her? Oh yeah...His faithfulness and goodness is so very evident these past two years and as much as we all (who work/worked there) like to criticize the Crystal Cathedral from time to time...they were SUCH the body of Christ and continue to be. And all this is important...but for me I don't think I am having a hard time accepting I made a suggestion to her that put her where she was when she was broadsided...

I think I am having a hard time accepting the accident period and the aftermath. I mean...I flew out to So Cal from Indiana for almost a week, was down again a few weeks later, made the drive to Atlanta to visit her in rehab twice...have taken apart and put back together her wheelchair to make it fit in my car...but maybe it still doesn't seem real to me...but I do know I really struggle with the fact that it was "just" an where things me and her dad and others played a small part that out things in motion...but still an accident...and I don't know what to do with that.

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