Friday, November 05, 2004

&%*^%*!!! ^%*%^$%&!!!


What am I doing wrong???

I am not neglecting my relationship with God and it has been SO COOL that Rob and I have been taking out his Bible and using it in our sessions lately...although he took the verses he gave me yesterday totally out of context and that drove me batty!

I KNOW there is nothing I can do to earn His love and would fail (and have) miserably.

I KNOW I am so far from perfect it's not even funny...

But I STILL can't get it through my thick skull.

Yesterday he asked me what I got from it.

Nothing...I get that it's a choice but when I let someone down for fail to deliver I think it is totally irresponsible and he doesn't get that is not acceptable. His answer? We are ALL irresponsible from time to time. But, does that mean I shouldn't care when I screw up?

I wake up in the morning and I know it's a choice on how I am going to face the day and I WANT to make it a good one, be able to give myself a break, etc.

But then it just overwhelms me. This deep pit of nothing that just engulfs me and I try not to let it...I try and fight it...but all I want to do is run away and hide or hear Rob say that it is OK I don't have the answer to why I want to cry all the time.

I just don't what to do anymore...

I've held off on behaviors (except restricting) and that had been so very, very hard. I want to take the blade and plunge it into my skin and let the blood flow...I want to take all I am feeling that I can't put words to and takeit out on my body togive me a moment of relief. I should get it OFF my nightstand so I don't see it...I think I keep it there to torture myself.

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