Monday, November 22, 2004


I really didn’t expect Rob to remember today. I mean I had emailed him and asked him if he knew what today was. I am sure he looked it up…but when I walked in today and sat down he flashed two fingers at me. Truthfully, I was stunned. Absolutely stunned. He asked me what I was feeling about the two years and I had a very hard time saying anything.

At the end he told me that it has not seemed like two years and he was honored (or something like that…that may have been what Marc said…but close enough) to be part of my life. He also said something about him overreacting at times. Okay, I am sure he is referring to the cutting incident, but I did not see that as overreacting. He was ticked, I was "defiant," and we dealt.

The odd thing is that I think we are in a place of if it did happen he would understand more because we have been working hard and he had said if I were dealing with stuff and I cut he could understand it more. Not that I am going to. The thoughts are there and I am trying to let them be there...but it's not fun.

I am so jealous of the Forumites in ATL. A very sweet and caring person told me if I PM them my phone number they would call me as others have been called. But, that is not the point. If they had WANTED to call me in the first place, they would have asked before they left. I just feel less and less like I belong there and will do my job...but right now it hurts way too much be there. I know I am being a whiny brat...but things like that happen at church as well and one cannot think there is something wrong with me and if I could starve it out, cut it out or purge it out I would do it in a heartbeat. I have just been feeling like I no longer fit in anyplace.

I am trying to stop those thoughts because I know where they lead...and it's not because I was there this time last year...none of that has ever truly been resolved and it's been a spiral since June.

And as I say reminds me of something Rob said today...that even though I know I am not perfect and make mistakes...I very much look like I have it all together and when something very human happens (i.e. forgetting the book) that outs a chink in that armor...I really beat myself for it. There is probably some truth to that.

He understands why I get frustrated because my thinking is so black and white...and he keeps telling me "I just" (seems to be a fave of mine...I just have to get over it, I just have to suck it up, etc.) is not going to happen.

But, as much as we have talked about it I don't think he really and truly gets that the book thing put me in a tailspin...that it goes much deeper. We have talked about it almost every session for weeks now...but he doesn't get it that it makes no difference that he was OK with it, that I didn't need to drop itoff the next day, etc. I know he said that me forgetting the book was no where near grounds for terminiation...but he doesn't get that I am afraid to make a mistake in therapy again...because how many little ones like that are going to add up into something that causes him to say he can no longer treat me?

1 comment:

shay said...

I know it was me who said that...I didn't mean it the way it came across?

You are wanted and loved! We love you D.