Monday, November 22, 2004

Crash and Burn...

My mood crashed pretty much as soon as I walked out of Rob's office. We again tackled the "book thing" and how my standards are simply way too high. I struggle very much with how keeping promises is a high standard. He does not manipulate, he does not try to play tricks on me...but he got me Thursday. We were talking and all of a sudden his says, "Blink." I thought he meant I was disassociating. He meant the book I brought in with me...a Ted Dekker novel. I totally forgot I had it with me. He was pointing out that my memory is NOT perfect and that it is OK NOT to be perfect. I still feel like he is missing the point.

If I had been alone when I got home...I probably would have purged my lunch. Not because he is right but out of frustration of the process, but I also know that could come with dire consequesnces.

I was breaking up a cat fight outside and it was one of those fall nights I love here...that smells like fall and is crisp and cool. The thought occured to me that it would be so eay to simply go back in the house and take "the stash" and I was OK with those thoughts. Still not sure how disturbed I am by those thoughts being that present and that non-chalant. This I know I will not tell least for a little while...because it was just a thought and not a I need to call him thing.

November 22, 2002 I walked into his office for the first time. I had been with another therapist for about 2 1/2 months before I decided I was actually worth not taking his...I dunno...crap and being compared to sicker ED clients.

I had, oddly enough, come back from Mt.Hermon and gave it another week or two. I walked out of that last session and drove to my office and IMd with friends and did some online counseling with New Hope because I knew I would come home and cut angrily. Three hours later I was able to go home.

Either that night or the next day I called the CCC and said I needed a new this point I was willing to give a female therapist a try...but I couldn't go back to that idiot again. The called me back and gave me Rob's name and he called me a few hours later. I went in on Friday, November 22 and if I hadn't felt good about it...I never would have gone back.

He is not the first Christian T I have had. I have no doubt the others prayed for me, but it stunned me when he asked if he could do it at the end of the session. Then he asked if he could give me a hug. OK...Marc NEVER hugged me...even at the end. Greg didn't hug me until the end. Some days it is that "Jesus with skin on" I get from him that can make the next day or so bearable.

I am so blessed that he is in my life...even the days I want to kick 'em!

1 comment:

Dreaming again said...

Funny, I started with Lorie Nov, 20, 2000. Saturday, I felt all day like I was in crash and burn mode, didn't ...but felt like it. I of coarse blamed it on turning 40 the next day ... but how much of it was turning 40 and how much of it was "L anniversary day"?

And no, I haven't told Lorie about it LOL

Should have seen me at the church banquet yesterday ..not sure anyone else could have seen how much it was bothering me ...the teen at my church that's struggled with an ED did, she even came over and gave me a hug right smack in the middle of the meal, I guess she recognized the signs of panic while eating in public while trying to remain composure.

We can't stop thoughts from coming D, but it's when we can let them go, that we know we are making progress!