Monday, November 01, 2004

Feeling Like I Am on Thin Ice...

Today was the second day of this new arrangement. It is going OK. I am trying to do what he wants and he is trying hard NOT toask me questions to get us started. It is a little uncomfortable...but I have to believe that will change in time.

As we talked yet again about the standards I have for myself it is so hard to admit I WANT perfection even though I am aware I sure as heck am NOT going to achieve it. I still want to give it my best shot...aren't we supposed to try our best? Which them starts the cycle all over again because he says to me, "And what do you consider you best to be?" Grrr...argh...

He had loaned me a book Thursday on some DBT stuff and I promised...P-R-O-M-I-S-E-D I would have it back to him today. I forgot all about it. Not only did I forget it...I left it in my car forgetting I even HAD the book. He asks me about it and I just dissolved into tears.

Part of it was because I forgot the book. I promised him I would bring it back today and I forgot. The other part is I feel like I am on thin ice as it is. One more mistake and I am out.

I think I took him by surprise. I think I took ME surprise. He wouldn't let me cry which is funny because normally he encourages it and askes me if I am being reasonable with myself. I said yes because I was irresponsible. He asked me if it were my book and someone forgot it would I think THEY were irresponsible? Of course not. Yet I feel that way.

We pick it up Thursday.

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