"V" putting her safari picture frame together 

Will the real Daniel please stand up! 

Jess helping "E" (we have A LOT of "E" names!) with her animal print Prayer Necklace 

"E" making her Daniel & the Lion's Den snack 

Bible Expedition Leader Cindy getting ready to lead the kids into Gideon's Army. 

Crew Leader "T" helping "E" with her Bible Buddy Drum! 

VBS

Just a quick note because I have been MIA (not that anyone notices...but that is OK with me!)!

By and large it is going well. Small numbers...but the kids are having fun and the leaders like The Serengeti Trek a lot. Heck...even the boys are enjoying "
Critter Crafts" and THAT is a minor miracle.

The opening kinda stinks...but that is partially my fault and partially the fault of the pwrson who told me she could do it and cannot. I was really tempted to tell her she could just leave...but I haven't. I just know for the future that VBS is NOT her thing!

Pix and stuff to follow!

More Office "stuff" 

VBS had exploded in my office 

I usually don't like the stuff I do...I am happy with these 

Creating "wooden" crates 

VBS June 17th-July 1st...Prep! 

Abuse Revisited..

Ever since I received the email from my uncle...I have been having bad dreams. I don't remember what they are...only that "he" (the guy who molested me...not my uncle) is in them. However, compared to the last time Rob and I looked at this event...the dreams startle me awake rather than me awaking in terror. That is progress...I think.

I also said something to him today that I think helped us both a lot looking at feelings/emotions. I told him I wanted to be able to look at this event objectively and not feel anything rather than it all still feeling very real. As he said, there is no way that I could truly look at this and not feel something. BUT, I can get to the point where I will be able to say, "I used to feel XXXX." Not that I still won't feel something...but that there can be a day where I don't feel the nausea and disgust and fear like I am still 12 years old. He thinks I have been trying to work through the abuse by trying not to feel any of it. That makes sense.

Rob also thinks that by working through this that it is going to help with a lot of other stuff. I wish there were a way I could do it without feeling any of it...but I am not that delusional. The hard thing is when I can sit there and talk to Rob and yet almost physically feel the other stuff. I had lapsed into silence...reliving the whole thing and Rob was asking me questions. I told him that I realized this sounded weird, but I can talk to him and yet at the SAME time feel "his" (not Rob) tongue in my mouth as well as the other stuff going on.

A few deep breaths and he almost got the tears...but I felt too nauseated for anything but concentrating on not throwing up my Starbucks' Strawberries & Cream.

So, for probably the third or fourth time in the last 2 1/2 years we are going to work this issue and try and get me to feel and acknowledge that I am feeling and that those feelings are valid, etc.

All the week before VBS. I MUST be crazy!

Why Isn't Good Enough...Enough?

Yesterday was one of those days here I should have just skipped therapy and saved myself the $80.00. I feel bad becuase I am feel as if I am nor doing any work outside our time together right now. Part of it is because VBS is all consuming...and I am sure part of it is because emotionally I don't want to dive into the muck right now...which is strange because I want to buck the muck in the first place!

We looked at perfectionism...AGAIN. I told him and I mean it...I want my best to be good enough. Oh, and I couldn't give him a picture of what a perfect VBS would look like in the first place! I am in ministry...almost a guarantee that very little will go perfect or how one envisions a "thing" to be. God has sense of humor...no doubt about that one. I realize that the important things are that the kids learn about God and have fun doing it and that the volunteers are ready and willing to their jobs. What goes on behind the scenes is secondary if the other three thigs are happening. However, it's not enough and I am not sure why. Why would it be so wrong to be content with doing my best? Why can't I be content with that? Is it okay to be content with it? I honestly have NO idea. What does expect? I assume what I have been doing...my best...but my best seems so pitiful right now that...I don't know...things are just spinning so much in my head and I can almost hear what Rob has to say...and I think I figured some things out yesterday.

This should be going to him first, but lately I have been really stand-offish with him and I don't know why. But, most of my life I have been called an "overachiever" and for the past several years I have felt like anything but one. If anything I feel as if I am underachieving in most areas of my life.

Anyway...some good news. I found a church close by that is doing the same VBS as we are and there is a chance we can borrow decorations. That would be WONDERFUL. We also need kids to register. It is looking bad and I know if it flops it is going to be my head.

Regrouping...

I have come to the realization that the parent who was going to do my decorations is going to be a total flake. I hate to say that about people and think it about anyone...but I guess I need to come out of my "people will follow through all the time" haze. Life happens and all she has to tell me is life happens...it is the ignoring of calls/emails that gets me.

Group has a wonderful bulletin board with VBS info on it. I have camped out there and have ideas of what I may be able to do myself. An artist I am not...even with the trace the overhead thing...it's NOT my thing. But, I found ideas that I think even I can do...I hope. One lovely man actually has some pix of step by step instructions on some painting stuff...I now love that man! ;)

One thing I forgot to mention in the continuing saga that is my psycho mother...

I am really trying to get 3 meals/"eating episodes" in 2-3 times a week...days when I feel "good" enough. Anyway...yesterday I was making an actual meal (the other 2 were not full meals)...grilling chicken, making mashed potatoes and steaming broccoli (cue Dana Carvey). I am peeling the Yukon golds when my mom comes up to me and says, "You're making a huge meal." Me: "No, I'm not." Her: "Then what do you call that?" Me: "Normal." That shut her up.

See, eating disorder aside, my eating has pretty much always been "disordered" because of my mother's lack of...well...skills (cue Napoleon Dynamite). Breakfast was unheard of in my family. So much so that after the Jim Jones thing happened in Guyana (I was like 8 or 9), my mom got up one morning and made breakfast...I was positive she posioned it to get rid of me. Boiled chicken with ketchup was her idea of dinner...you get the idea. In fact, I never really had much in the way of veggies until I got to college and discovered I LOVE them!

I try to break free of that, but living here makes that very difficult and leaves me open to her verbal abuse and what amounts to competition. Honestly, there are days I HATE the fact she "wins." How sick is that? But, when push comes to shove and I am having a day where my fight is not there...I can "win" easily.

This has been a week where I have been using the same fork to get through a meal. But, I am working on the first 6 rules. Not perfectly, but Toni points out she is not looking for perfection!

Meltdown...

Okay...not really. But the last few days have set the tone for the next couple weeks.

The email from my uncle shook me...more than I think I have been willing to admit. Forgiveness of his friend aside...that doesn't mean I want to see anything from him, know that they still have a friendship, etc. The nightmares started last night.

Then there is VBS. I came to the conclusion that even though I KNOW VBS cannot and will not be perfect...I want it to be. Rob and I started to hammer at that one a little bit yesterday.

I had a meeting on Sunday and most people did not come. That is pretty upsetting and now I have to do a "meeting by mail" for the most part to catch them all up. The person who is supposed to do my decorating has not returned my calls. AUGH!!!!!

There is so much swirling in my head and I can't put my finger on any of it right now.

The stress got to me on Sunday and if I hadn't been at church and if people had not been around, I probably would have stood there and just bawled because I was so overwhelmed. I told Rob I just had to suck it up and go on with the morning. He asked me why I wouldn't let myself feel and I told him it was unprofessional.

So, this is the beginning of a new week and a chance to plug away at all this.

What Was My Uncle Thinking???

I got a rather amusing forward from my uncle. It was funny. Then I saw who sent it to him. The man who molested me.

My best guess is that my uncle figures since it happened almost 23 years ago that the name doesn't send me into a panic and that they are still friends doesn't bug me.

I wish I could say he was right...he's not.

Now...if I was vengeful sort of person (there are actually times I wish I was)...I could do a lot with that email address because now I have it. But, that is not who I am and it would do me no good to do anything with it.

So, I sit here and breathe and try to get rid of the feeling of dread, dirtiness and loathing that comes over me when things like this come up.

Why?

Why is it that because a couple people found a joke funny that reinforces it and no one cares how HUMILIATED I am??

That if any of these people knew me or cared who I was would now that stuff like that makes me want to crawl in a hole and die and NOT laugh?

That because of my background I am very shy about a lot of things and it didn't even know until now what I actually typed and that makes it worse?

Why do people have to pick on others and agree with something that hurts another person?

A New Day...

First off..for those who commented, thank you for the encouargement. I am actuall more okay with it than I was initially and heck...I truly WANT the West Valley one...this is not the first time a job hasn't panned out.

I really think, and I went through this when I started looking pre-Indiana, that it was more of a need to prove I am still viable in this field. Nevermind all that happend with West Valley that shows it...I need "proof" from more than one church. I did it when I came from Remuda the first time. I think I drove Greg (my therapist at the time) nuts and once it dawned on me what I was doing I stopped it and a few months later when I was truly ready, I started the process again. But it was that validation I wanted...what I always seem to need.

The thing is, besides the fact I shouldn't look for that from "outsiders," I really DO find that at my church. The 4th graders I took to camp STILL call me by my camp name ("Queenie," in honor of Deneice City), there are some youth and their families that don't act like I was never Youth Director and I am in a really good short term small group.

But, I do know where it all comes from. I think Rob was disappointed I didn't say much that the turn down stung. It wasn't until the end of our session when he asked me the usual two questions (Did you cut? Did you purge?) that I admitted it hurt and that I wanted to deal with it with behaviors...but I didn't. I was told once that if it was something I could handle myself (and truthfully, I have IMd with a couple people and talked about it and posted about it...and while the thought crossed my mind to cut to get rid of the feelings...I didn't do it and the feeling passed) then I didn't need to call or anything. I also realized when I told him that in an email last night that wasn't exactly Greg meant when he told me that!

It believe my whole reacion truly is more about validation than not getting and interview. I had hesitated in the first place because I was not sure I would be able to work with AP because he drives me nuts on the sub-committee!

Of course, all this insight would have been nice while I was in session with Rob...but I keep telling him I can't process stuff fast enough for him!

I put in a 12 hour day on Sunday and so I took today off and tonight my mom and I are going to the druve-in movies tonight. This should be interesting!

So...

....a needle pulling thread...

Okay...I was supposed to ponder how the way I was treated by my former SP may trigger other feelings in me (i.e. the verbal/emotional abuse I grew up with). I have been on VBS Frantic Mode and haven't given myself the time or permission to look at it. And, after the sort of "let down" from last night, we may not have to delve into that because I am feeling a lot of things about last night.

I mean, I do get that this was an answer to prayer (close doors, etc.) and doesn't necessarily have anything to do with me as a youth worker or as a person. I have not worked as a paid youth person in a church of that size...only volunteered with larger churches. They may not want someone to jump from another church in our Presbytery, the AP there may suspect what I did (that we may not work well together) which was why I hesitated to begin with. So, while my head understands all that...it does hurt that they didn't even give me a chance.

I think it is interesting how churches deal with resumes. I look at the other church where I am still a "strong contender," and they didn't hesitate 24 hours to get me in for an interview and then another one a week later before the job was even posted! They saw something they liked...something that may have told them I could be a fit. Obviously, the people at where I was turned down looked at it and saw it lacking in some way, sahpe or form.

Not the first time and by the time this process is over it won't be the last...but for this moment in time...it doesn't quite cover the hurt. Knowing that this simply means God has other plans IS a comfort...but it stil doesn't take the sting away and I think that is OK. As long as I don't don't dive into a pit of how bad a person I am...I think I'll be OK in a day or so!

Sigh...

I had tossed my hat in at another church and God slammed that door in my face. I wish people would say WHY you didn't make it to the next round.

Honestly, this is the first time I have never made it to the 2nd round before (though I have been bumped after that plenty of times) and my head is playing all sorts of games with me. I KNOW this is obviously not what God has for me and I keep trying to remind myself of that!

Thnk, Think, Think...

Yesterday was one of those sessions where I "went into my bubble." It wasn't intentional and it has been a LONG time since I have disassociated in a session...it has been months. Not even sure why I did it. I know it annoyed Rob...not because I did it because he said he knows I didn't do it on purpose, but because I become so closed off.

He also called me "fun-loving" yesterday. He totally meant it as a compliment...I just don't see it. At least, lately I haven't it. I try, I try and get lost in the moment with the kids and that does help...but outside of that time I just don't see it. I'd LIKE to be known as fun-loving...who wouldn't? Except that it also carries an air of irresponibility and I have problems with that...but that is all my deal.

I think where I am frustrated, as I have said before, is that I KNOW where the view of myself comes from. Rob gently pointed it out again yesterday...but I don't know how to fight against it. I know there was a few months before I moved to Indiana that I was getting to be OK with me and even (*shudder*) LIKE myself on occasion and I don't know how I got there and how to get back.

Rob asked me if I were afraid of change yesterday. Truthfully, I am not. It is scary but not to be feared because in my case a lot of GOOD would come from it. Change means being able to someday move back to So Cal, means working FT and getting out of my mother's house, means not obsessing over every bite of food I choose to eat, etc. Okay...downside means I will no longer darken his doorstep...but that is also a GOOD thing...just a sad one.

Rules About Food

It is really hard to talk about working on these rules and talking about them here unless I write about them. So...

Control:

1. Food must be cut in an even number of pieces
2. Food must be eaten by food group
3. I must use the same fork at all meals (yes, I wash it… a lot!)
4. Stomach growling must be unbearable before I give in to it
5. When I have no control over what I have to eat (i.e. mom chooses what we eat, we are with my grandparents)…that is the only meal that day and no other food is allowed until the next day…time is negotiable but the goal is at least 12 hours later
6. When stomach is growling…water before food…always…
7. When being cornered (pretty much that is the case) with having to have dessert (normally if we have a meal with my grandparents) I have to cut the pieces so I can get the smallest piece unnoticed.
8. Always grocery shop alone (going with mom is a whole other issue *shudder*)
9. When people bring stuff to the office…I have to ignore it
10. Toss food out if I am tempted to eat more or, now that I have a Food Saver, when it cools (should it need to) immediately bag and freeze.

Timing:

11. If I eat two meals (or three) in a day, I must wait for no less than 12 but try to make it to 24 hours before I eat again
12. If I eat more than once a day I must wait at least 12 hours before eating again
13. If a morning meal is consumed (before 9:00 AM) no other food is allowed until at least 10 hours later
14. No eating past 8:00 PM. Should this happen…no food for at least 14-20 hours


Cravings:

15. If I give in to a “fast food” craving…I must wait a minimum of 12 hours before eating again
16. Any “junk food” out must be ordered with veggies and not fries (i.e. Chili’s)
17. Any cravings must be ignored


Punishment:

18. After eating a full, balanced meal…no eating…even if I do get hungry
19. If a meal is “carb heavy” (i.e. pasta) no other food is allowed that day
20. If a meal causes acid reflux, no other food is allowed that day
21. If I eat pizza, no other food is allowed that day
22. If I bake and/or make fudge and try it myself…no other food is allowed that day
23. Avoid mayo unless it is my grandfather’s potato salad…but then no other food is allowed after that meal until the next day



Deprivation/Restriction:

24. Dizziness is good
25. Try to avoid “Lunch Together” at church whenever possible
26. Instead of food, Gatorade is an acceptable substitute
27. Coffee (since it is usually a mocha something or other) counts as a meal
28. Popcorn counts as a meal
29. If I can lead my mom to believe I have had a meal when I have not…this is a GOOD thing

Lack of Enjoyment:

30. Try to distract myself while eating (i.e. books, TV)

Toni put the rules in these categories and then asked where I wanted to start. After much anxiety I decided on the "control" issues and she told me to pick three. So, I am working on the first three. I am also supposed to figure out if I use anything to compensate...yah...not on purpose, but a I am eating "finger food" and haven't needed to cut anything up.

I see her again in a week...I REALLY need to challenge myself this next week.