Friday, June 10, 2005

A New Day...

First off..for those who commented, thank you for the encouargement. I am actuall more okay with it than I was initially and heck...I truly WANT the West Valley one...this is not the first time a job hasn't panned out.

I really think, and I went through this when I started looking pre-Indiana, that it was more of a need to prove I am still viable in this field. Nevermind all that happend with West Valley that shows it...I need "proof" from more than one church. I did it when I came from Remuda the first time. I think I drove Greg (my therapist at the time) nuts and once it dawned on me what I was doing I stopped it and a few months later when I was truly ready, I started the process again. But it was that validation I wanted...what I always seem to need.

The thing is, besides the fact I shouldn't look for that from "outsiders," I really DO find that at my church. The 4th graders I took to camp STILL call me by my camp name ("Queenie," in honor of Deneice City), there are some youth and their families that don't act like I was never Youth Director and I am in a really good short term small group.

But, I do know where it all comes from. I think Rob was disappointed I didn't say much that the turn down stung. It wasn't until the end of our session when he asked me the usual two questions (Did you cut? Did you purge?) that I admitted it hurt and that I wanted to deal with it with behaviors...but I didn't. I was told once that if it was something I could handle myself (and truthfully, I have IMd with a couple people and talked about it and posted about it...and while the thought crossed my mind to cut to get rid of the feelings...I didn't do it and the feeling passed) then I didn't need to call or anything. I also realized when I told him that in an email last night that wasn't exactly Greg meant when he told me that!

It believe my whole reacion truly is more about validation than not getting and interview. I had hesitated in the first place because I was not sure I would be able to work with AP because he drives me nuts on the sub-committee!

Of course, all this insight would have been nice while I was in session with Rob...but I keep telling him I can't process stuff fast enough for him!
I put in a 12 hour day on Sunday and so I took today off and tonight my mom and I are going to the druve-in movies tonight. This should be interesting!

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