Ever since I received the email from my uncle...I have been having bad dreams. I don't remember what they are...only that "he" (the guy who molested me...not my uncle) is in them. However, compared to the last time Rob and I looked at this event...the dreams startle me awake rather than me awaking in terror. That is progress...I think.
I also said something to him today that I think helped us both a lot looking at feelings/emotions. I told him I wanted to be able to look at this event objectively and not feel anything rather than it all still feeling very real. As he said, there is no way that I could truly look at this and not feel something. BUT, I can get to the point where I will be able to say, "I used to feel XXXX." Not that I still won't feel something...but that there can be a day where I don't feel the nausea and disgust and fear like I am still 12 years old. He thinks I have been trying to work through the abuse by trying not to feel any of it. That makes sense.
Rob also thinks that by working through this that it is going to help with a lot of other stuff. I wish there were a way I could do it without feeling any of it...but I am not that delusional. The hard thing is when I can sit there and talk to Rob and yet almost physically feel the other stuff. I had lapsed into silence...reliving the whole thing and Rob was asking me questions. I told him that I realized this sounded weird, but I can talk to him and yet at the SAME time feel "his" (not Rob) tongue in my mouth as well as the other stuff going on.
A few deep breaths and he almost got the tears...but I felt too nauseated for anything but concentrating on not throwing up my Starbucks' Strawberries & Cream.
So, for probably the third or fourth time in the last 2 1/2 years we are going to work this issue and try and get me to feel and acknowledge that I am feeling and that those feelings are valid, etc.
All the week before VBS. I MUST be crazy!
I also said something to him today that I think helped us both a lot looking at feelings/emotions. I told him I wanted to be able to look at this event objectively and not feel anything rather than it all still feeling very real. As he said, there is no way that I could truly look at this and not feel something. BUT, I can get to the point where I will be able to say, "I used to feel XXXX." Not that I still won't feel something...but that there can be a day where I don't feel the nausea and disgust and fear like I am still 12 years old. He thinks I have been trying to work through the abuse by trying not to feel any of it. That makes sense.
Rob also thinks that by working through this that it is going to help with a lot of other stuff. I wish there were a way I could do it without feeling any of it...but I am not that delusional. The hard thing is when I can sit there and talk to Rob and yet almost physically feel the other stuff. I had lapsed into silence...reliving the whole thing and Rob was asking me questions. I told him that I realized this sounded weird, but I can talk to him and yet at the SAME time feel "his" (not Rob) tongue in my mouth as well as the other stuff going on.
A few deep breaths and he almost got the tears...but I felt too nauseated for anything but concentrating on not throwing up my Starbucks' Strawberries & Cream.
So, for probably the third or fourth time in the last 2 1/2 years we are going to work this issue and try and get me to feel and acknowledge that I am feeling and that those feelings are valid, etc.
All the week before VBS. I MUST be crazy!
2 comments:
Keep doing the hard work ... it will be worth it in the end, but you know that.
You're in my prayers!
Have fun with VBS this week!!!!
Just to say "Hi" to you. Wish you only the best.
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