Friday, June 03, 2005

Thnk, Think, Think...

Yesterday was one of those sessions where I "went into my bubble." It wasn't intentional and it has been a LONG time since I have disassociated in a has been months. Not even sure why I did it. I know it annoyed Rob...not because I did it because he said he knows I didn't do it on purpose, but because I become so closed off.

He also called me "fun-loving" yesterday. He totally meant it as a compliment...I just don't see it. At least, lately I haven't it. I try, I try and get lost in the moment with the kids and that does help...but outside of that time I just don't see it. I'd LIKE to be known as fun-loving...who wouldn't? Except that it also carries an air of irresponibility and I have problems with that...but that is all my deal.

I think where I am frustrated, as I have said before, is that I KNOW where the view of myself comes from. Rob gently pointed it out again yesterday...but I don't know how to fight against it. I know there was a few months before I moved to Indiana that I was getting to be OK with me and even (*shudder*) LIKE myself on occasion and I don't know how I got there and how to get back.

Rob asked me if I were afraid of change yesterday. Truthfully, I am not. It is scary but not to be feared because in my case a lot of GOOD would come from it. Change means being able to someday move back to So Cal, means working FT and getting out of my mother's house, means not obsessing over every bite of food I choose to eat, etc. Okay...downside means I will no longer darken his doorstep...but that is also a GOOD thing...just a sad one.

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