Monday, July 05, 2004

I Am Such a Liar...

The scary thing is…I think Rob knows I’m lying. He used the same “line” on me as he did a few months ago when I neglected to tell him about the purging. Paraphrased, “With everything going on it’s amazing you haven’t given in to the urges.” To which I answered, “Not that I haven’t been tempted…but the opportunity hasn’t been there.” I am not purging…but am engaging on other behaviors other than the usual restricting.

I know it is a response to what is going on in therapy right now. I know I am punishing myself for acts of “betrayal” of my family, for having problems getting my head around what we have been talking about and not being able to grasp it, for eating, for not eating for not going to the Y everyday, etc.

Rob does not expect me to listen to him tell me that I have bought into all my family has told me over the years and realize that it’s not truth and have it all be over because HE says it is all lies…but it feels like he does. That is really stupid because Rob has TOLD me he knows it’s not that easy and that he doesn’t expect me to change just because he says it’s lies…but I walked out of there on Thursday feeling like a total dummy. The thing is…how does he KNOW that any of that stuff is truly lies? How can he be so sure my family is wrong about me?

The fact I played “Avoidy Girl” didn’t help matters and I realize that. I just did not feel like feeling any more stupid than I already do over this whole thing and couldn’t dive back into all this today. I don’t think he was very happy about it and I did switch gears and try…but my head wasn’t there.

Eventually I am going to have to tell him what is going on…but I need to do it in my time.

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