Friday, July 16, 2004

Lions, Tigers and Bears...

I got my Dorothy costume! I am so happy. I was really worried that it wasn't going to get here in time. I was tracking it...but I was worried all the same.

I leave day after tomorrow and tomorrow I am having a third session with Rob. While I didn't say most of what I wanted to tell him...things were a little intense. I was actually in tears...which I HATED with a passion...but I words were stuck and there was so much going on in my head and I couldn't get it to come out of my mouth. Anyway, I had to go to the library to take books back and get a couple more for the trip and had all this "stuff" in my head. So, I reserved a computer and sent him an email. Honestly, I can't remember everything it said.

For one thing, I went off on a zillion tangents about wanting to tell him so much and being so afraid and I apologized for crying and I also told him that him telling me that everyone feels "XXXXX" is not helping. I got home and regretted sending it because we were not going to have the time to talk about any of it. So, I called him and asked him to please just delete it and we'd talk when he got back from vacation. Either he checked his email before he got my call or ignored it because he sent me this:

"Let me know if you'd like to meet sometime Sat - I'm pretty sure you said
you're leaving Sun - I'm gone all day tomorrow at a workshop, but would be
very open to meeting Sat - lemme know!! I'm glad for what you expressed - I
didn't and probably won't go to your blog - I accept you more than you
realize, and I'm sure you know it's more about your own personal rejection -
I'm also glad you can tell me when it doesn't feel like it's working - we
need to work better together w/ all this - finally, you can't boil it down to
"I'm right and you're wrong" - it's more complicated than this - if Sat
doesn't work, take good care and I'll look forward to Aug!!"

So, I am going in tomorrow at 11 so we can work through some of this. I think that all this has been building the past couple weeks and yesterday I was just in this place where if we would have had another hour I would have been sitting there crying for most of it. When I was finally able to tell him the stuff about I don' think I am buying into anything...that it doesn't feel like there is a choice even though I know there is one I felt really dumb because I struggled so much telling him that. And, he is is more about my own personal rejection...but I have this weird view of authority/power...thus the he's right and I am wrong thing.

We did a Saturday back in October and those seem more relaxed and I am praying that tomorrow will be no exception. I just want to make sure we are in OK place before I leave and he leaves for vacation the next week.

No comments: