Tuesday, July 13, 2004

I Dunno...

I think all ofthis is literally making my head spin. I was so dizzy last night...it was weird. I did eat...I certainly did not purge nor overexert myself (I have a hard time exerting myself these days) so I am guessing with emotional overload.

However, as much as I wanted to cut to experience the physical pain rather than the emotional pain, I didn't do it. I watched "I Love the 90s" and fell asleep before I could do it. I picked the blades up and but them down...for one night at any rate.

I want to be a chicken and write everything down I want to say to Rob and email it before I leave because I won't see him for two weeks. But, while I AM a huge coward, I will not do a hit and run. I respect him and trust him too much for that.

I would love to tell him I am cutting
I would love to tell him that I think I am in another depressive episode
I would tell him why he will never see me cry because every time I do talk about something he said as I interpreted it...I am always wrong and things are great. However, I really think this time if that happened I'd be a bawling mess on the floor and he'd just sit there like he always does.

The really, reallty dumb thing is there is no GOOD reason NOT to sit down on Thursday and tell him all this. I NEED to do it and a few other things as well...but I am in such a place right now where I fear rejection so much that I am unwilling to chance it...even knowing our history and knowing that I will not be rejected.

He's not going to be thrilled with all of it...although I do take a bit of sick pleasure that I can lie about the cutting 2x a week...but he won't reject me, he willbe happy I finally decided to tell him all this and things will be that much better.

He keeps telling me I am buying into all my family has told me growing up. What I can't seem to get through to him is that it does not feel like a choice...after 30+ years of verbal abuse it's not a choice...it's who I am at my core. I DO get that as lights go on that the feelings will be there, but right now I just want to know that he gets that it's notme buying into anything...it's how I have been "programmed" from a young age and quite frankly him telling me we all feel stupid, ungrateful, shallow, etc. is NOT helping. I feel like a bigger freak because I feel that way about myself all the time and I guess...I dunno.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i really really understand, my friend, how hard it is to know that he doesn't "get it." and you're right -- he probably doesn't know the depth to which you feel things.

it consistently frustrated me when my myriad of therapists always said they "understand my pain." cos, you know - they don't. they didn't. and saying that wasn't fair to me.

for the most part, Rob is wrong about you buying into the lies about what your family said. it's hard to get that stuff out of you. the point at where you go beyond the lies and where you change, is where you choose to tell him this stuff -- all of it. you choose to be vulnerable, to risk, and to trust that he is not your family, and that he will validate you as a person.

please talk to him. that's why you're seeing him. honour his care for you. honour your worth.