I Hate Me...

Last night...when I finally decided to eat something and then chose to get rid of it...it was a weird thought process. I decided that by NOT eating that I was only hurting myself...then I realized I didn't care and I WANTED to hurt myself. The reasons why I am still trying to figure out...but I know some triggers that may have contriubuted to all of it.

I did email Rob and Toni and told them about wanting to hurt myself by purging and will see Rob Thursday and have another week untiI see Toni which stinks...and I am really afraid to face Rob because I need to be able to tell him ALL of it. That is not the worst part. The worst part is he will not yell, he will not hit me, he will not reject me and I really can't take that.

Ugh...

My mother is playing Food Police and it is driving me nuts! Granted, the only thing I have had to eat today is a jupiter peach...but she doesn't know that! :) She just asked me what I was having for dinner! It is 4:45 PM. A bit early for that!

Today I lied to Rob yet again. I have purged (once) and cut (a couple times) since the last time he asked. The purging was the first time in months and did nothing for me...except the feeling of "control," yet I am really not driven to do it again.

He noticed the cuts and I told him that they were the old ones from the last time I did cut (the one I told him about it). He didn't say he didn't believe me...but for the first time I felt myself blush as I denied all of it. I am so bad.

Six Degrees of Separation

It turns out that Rob and Ron were indeed at APU together. That is so funny! I guess it shouldn't shock me all that much. People in my life seem to end up connected through other sources. Ramon, for instance, is a therapist at the Center for Individual and Family Therapy. He works out of both the Orange and Mission Viejo offices. I saw Ts at both places and for a little while, Greg's wife Kendra supervised Ramon. I really like the connections.

Yesterday Rob decided that "fluff time" was over and he jumped right back to where we left off like 6 weeks ago. He pulled out the email I sent him that brought on the last Saturday session. I thought we dealt with it. Guess not. So, we talked about my fear of rejection among other things.

We talked about my crying or lack thereof. I hate to cry. It doesn't solve anything (Rob: "Why does it have to solve anything?"), I hate looking weak, and the biggie...I have been hot for crying in the past. I NEVER said that out loud until yesterday. He isn't shocked by much in my life anymore...but that did shock him a little. It's been on my mind when this topic has come up before, but I have always stopped short of saying it. Still protecting my mom.

I told him last Friday (oh my gosh...has it been a week already????) Dr. D saw me cry because I cried when I said goodbye to him. I told him I thought it was weird because I didn't cry as I left my other friends but as soon as I stepped foot in the office the tears welled up. It was strange talking about it...the whys. Admitting to Rob that Doug is very much a father figure was...I dunno...I don't think it is a surprise to anyone...but it was still weird really talking about it. Doug was there from my rocky transition into my first youth job, to my relapse, etc. Rob also pointed out just the touch of chiropractic medicine.

So, my goal is to accept the fact that I fear Rob is going to reject me (even though I know in my head he will so NOT) and plow on with my thoughts anyway. He's right...but the thought is so scary. Yet I know if I don't, I will never be "well" enough to leave here and go "home" to So Cal. The ickiness of having to dig does carry a great reward at the end. The thing is, while I also fear leaving Rob someday...I know that he won't be out of my life. It is going to be very different than leaving Greg or when Marc left...I think it will be better.

Then there are issues of why I hold onto ED and the questions Ron brought up and I am guessing as I continue to do some of the work Rob and I have been doing for the last 3-4 months...those questions will be answered.

Homesick

So, I am back here and back in the office. It's OK. This week is pretty low key and I have time to put my plans down and think about them and all that fun stuff. There is a possibility we could partner with YFC for a Kids' Club and that would be fun! It is just finding the team that will commit for the school year.

Monday I told Rob as I walked out the door that I didn't purge once while I was gone. He told me how proud he was of me. I really had almost "planned" to do it last week. I had total privacy and could "get away" with it. I mean I would have had to fess up to him and Toni, but I could have done it. Beneath all the sadness about being "home"and having to come back here was contentment.

I think the one thing that struck me about my friends is the absolute unconditional love I get from them as opposed to being home where it feels very conditional. Not that I think I even deserve it from them...but they love me ANYWAY. With them it was like no time had passed. I mean there was playing catch up and all...but the connection was there and as strong as ever.

A friend pointed out to me that living with my mother is like living with/on teflon. I shared that with another friend last night and she agreed. I know I need out...but not to a point where I'd lose Rob or Toni. She's been OK this week...but it is living with the uncertainty from day to day that drives me batty!

So much to think about, pray about, seek God about.

I still need to think about Ron's questions and the answers to those questions. The one thing I cannot do is run. I want to stay in therapy with Rob until the end. If I knew Greg would take me back that could make a difference...but I am different than I was when I left So Cal and we may not connect like we had in the past.

I know there are no easy answers and right now that is actually OK. We'll see how long it lasts!

DCA

This is one view of Disney's California Adventure from the Paradise Pier area of the park. One of my favorite views!

DCA Originally uploaded by Deneice.

TowerofTerror

This ride is absolutely incredible! I went on it 4 times a day in my three days I sept at D-land/DCA. It is so much fun!

TowerofTerror Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Back to the Grind...

So, here I am...back in the office. I went through my mail, looked at the Vision Team's first report (and considering what I have been told I need to do...there was a lot of favorable comments about some stuff I have in place) and wrote out the vision for Children's Ministry that God popped into my head the day left for So Cal. Time goes by so fast! This time last week I was in Doug's office waiting to get adjusted!

I asked Rachel to leave me a check list of what was done and she didn't do it. I am really annoyed at that because I am not sure what I have to do as far as teachers and stuff for next month. Grrr...argh...

Looking at my document I feel good about it. There is still some of the "hows"and "how much" and "who"to figure out...but with 7 weeks left to prove my worth in this job, I am happy with the beginning.

However, I still have Ron's questions in my head that I need to think about and get on paperand share with Rob. Is paid ministry alwaya going to be toxic for me and why hasit been that way? Am I better off as a volunteer? Was I way off in hearing God 7 years ago? I don't think so. I think I get the job and "make" it toxic because what I think it means to be in paid ministry. So much to consider!

I could work for Murphy tomorrow. I have a place to go if this does not work out. That helps a lot and really takes the pressure off what I am doing here...well...takes the fear away.

I'm Baaaaack!

I am exhausted. Will update later...have an entry to cut and paste from the week. need to find it!

Wrote this Thursday...

To Be Known...

As much as I want and crave it, I am also very afraid of it. Yet, as I sit here in my hotel and watch the fireworks from Disneyland (and a pretty good view of them at that), I would be lying if I said that there weren't people in my life that do know me...almost without me knowing it. Today I saw Doug for the next to last time. At some point today I ended up with a headache. I ate so it wasn't that! In fact, I was trying to decide where, what and IF and thought it would be best if I did not choose a place where I had bought food, ate it and then promptly went home and got rid of said food. Guess what? Very few places qualify. I ended up at Red Robin and was OK. If I binged I could see this being more "traumatic," but it was still jarring. Anyway, I told Doug that this is getting harder and harder for me. He understood why...he said it the day before. This is different than a normal vacation because it is a "home vacation." The man has always been determined to help me/make me/force me kicking and screaming to see what he and just about everyone else in my life sees vs. what I see. So, he is adjusting me and we are talking and he reminds me that while being here is hard and leaving even harder...that I have brought joy to his office this week (I have really clicked with the new office staff) and is glad he has one day more with me. I said something like "and I have a headache." He tells me he could tell as he was doing my adjustment and fixed it and it should go away within a couple hours. I don't know why I doubt that from time to time...they do always go away! He said by tomorrow I would be where I was when I last saw him 20 months ago!

I think even my SP knows me better than I think. I think he knew that his memo right before I left would shake me. I got an email from him telling me of a cool possibility, but he also apologized if the memo sounded heavy handed. As it turns out, there have been some problems with other staff not being clear/on the same page after some discussions. He wants to make sure it is writing so we are clear. I can't fault him for that and yet that has NEVER been an issue between the two of us. I do find it interesting he realized how I might feel. As much as I protest people knowing me too well...I want to be here in "The OC" where I have people in my life who do just that. It did a ton for me when I came back from Remuda the first time. The support, the people who can say the stuff I don't always want to hear but have EARNED that right in my life and even though lives are changing and "stuff," the friendships remain intact. It's not easy to find these people in San Jose.

Quite frankly...everyone believes I went away for 60 days and all is well. It makes it that much harder and it feels as if I need to be "on" 24/7. I know it is easy to romanticize my life here before the move to Indiana and the relapse, but I also know for a fact I was much happier then than I am now. I know that it was easier to out into practice what Greg and I did in therapy vs. what Rob and I are doing. It's very much the same work, but I am fighting it tooth and nail because what happens there does not translate into the rest of my life. I take that back. It doesn't translate into the rest of my "real time" life. While I love all my friends that are on the Forum or that I have met through other venues...to say it is not enough is NOT true. That demeans these relationships and I know I'd be dead without them. Unfortunately I am unable to call them up to get me out of the house and there are times when I long for face to face rather than IM or even a phone call.

I bring certain destructive stuff with me when I go away. Not so much for me as to keep them away from my mother snooping to find them. I usually toss them in a drawer and leave them there until I leave. Tonight I brought them outfor the count. I emailed Rob earlier and told him I didn't want to leave here...EVER. I am on the 4th floor and wonder if my window opens. Dumb thoughts that I have no intention of carrying out, but they still float around my head. Part of me wants to take all my meds (except the Ambien...not enough to hurt me but if I need help sleeping I would have something) and give them to Doug. Several years ago when "Choose Life" was a popular CCM song, I bought the CD and it came with a bonus CD of the song. I gave it to Doug because he used to drill that song in my head all the time. He told me yesterday that he still has it. I won't do it though because they are like a "safety net" for me. If I have him get rid of them (as he has with diuretics and diet pills in the past) then that is gone and I really am not ready for that.

There's No Place Like Home!

Despite the traffic and all that can drive me nuts about the OC...I am "home." I have not been this happy or relaxed in a very long time!

I am trying to remember that when my friends tell me I look "good" and "healthy" they do not mean "My, what a beached whale you have turned into." But, it is really a fight to keep that all at bay. Then I have to remember that the people who have said that tome have seen me at my absolute worst/sickest and so it is very different coming from them. Especially my chiropractor. He has seen me at the absolute worst and for him to say that...I know it is a GOOD thing.

After I did preliminary check in stuff here at this hotel...I had a ton o' time to kill so I went and saw friends and made the mistake of going to The Block (an outdoor mall) and going into American Eagle.

Today, I went to see my chiropractor and he "fixed" my knee that has been bothering me since PYT and then I had lunch with my mentor. It was sooo good. He said an thing I need to remmeber and figure out...what about paid ministry makes it "toxic" for me? That was good. I need to think about that and he shared his thoughts. We are pretty sure he and his ex-wife (looong story...) went to APU with Rob! Small World!

Speaking of which...wend to D-land and CA (mis)Adventure. Not too crowded. Went on the new Tower of Terror 2x in 20 minutes and through the "magic" of single riders...bypassed the 95 minute Splash Mountain line and got right on!

Leaving for Mission Viejo soon to spend time and have dinner with Anna and meet EG before the wedding!

Tomorrow more Disney and Crystal Cathedral friends and Thursday YS! Busy, busy, busy!

Day One...

I am here. Good 'ol So Cal! And sadly...I have been awake for hours! I could head to D-land right now...but I think I will wait for evening. I may even just go to CA (mis) Adventure. I can go and see Dr. D at 11:30 and can check into my other hotel for the week after 3...I may try and push that a little.

But, I can go to Main Place, the two story Barnes & Noble, go to Newport Beach should I so desire...lots to do here! But, knowing me...I will end up at Downtown Disney at the very least!

As far as the job thing goes...God IS good. As I sat there yesterday waiting for the kids to get upstairs for Children's Church and was a bit in shock over the memo and the deadline...some ideas just "came" to me. Ideas that I can prsent when I go back that shows that I AM thinking of all this. I will say I wish I hadn't seen the memo. I KNEW all this (see other entries) but to see the deadline looming and in black and white...that is a bit unsettling.

We have a CE building that, as my SP put it, was built then largely ignored. I have free reign to change the name of our Workshop Rotation ( I really dislike our current "Biblemaniacs" I inherited) and things like that.

My plan is to change the entire outside of the building with pain and plywood cut outs that can be attached to the walls and decorated for Christmas, the seasons, etc. It would be called "The Neighborhood" and each workshop would be a "business" in that neighborhood. From Aunt Martha's Kozy Kitchen to The Westmintster Playhouse...each workshop and classroom (toddlers/Nursery) would be themed.

I want parents and kids to see it as a fun and safe place. Fun for the kids, safe for the parents and whilesome of that is there...a facelift wouldonly enhance all that.

The fact still remains that pretty much every school aged kid in our church IS involved with CM. If they are not there for Children's Church (held during the SS hour) they are for Biblemaniacs (they are excused after the Children's Message). But, what are we doing as a a church to bring people TO the church? Not a whole lot. We do servant ebangelism which is AWESOME, but for all the raking, laundry and trash we dump...no one ever comes to check us out. I pray that a seed has been planted and that they DO check out a church period and what it means to have a relationship with Christ.

The bounce house I need to get for our Kick Off is NOT going to bring new kids into our programs. I think I am the only one who realizes that.

For the families that do check us out...I have made contact right away and make sure they are on the mailing list, etc. I have asked a parent to take that over...but still waiting for a reply.

I have a plan to make teaching workshop rotation better and give themmore ownership. Why he added that when we talked about it is beyond me. The again...he thought the leadership team had only meant once and we have been metting for almost 6 months. Which is funny because I TALK about the meeitngs is STAFF meeting.

All I can do is use the gifts God has given me and if he doesn't like it...then I guess I'll be unemployed!

UPDATE

I have until mid-October to improve and grow the Children's Ministry or I am out.

Home...

Tomorrow I leave for "home." So Cal still feels like home...even though I grew up here. Anxiety has given way to excitement and while I can't forget what is happening here...I need to try and put it aside as much as possible next week. I know me...I can let it cloud everything and I am going to try and NOT let that happen.

As Rob was giving me my hug goodbye he said something about my SP not realizing the gem hehad and he'd better before he loses me. That was incredibly sweet and really what I needed to keep me from being mush and self-destructive last night.

So much to process. So much to think about.

Prayer Request

Prayer Request:

I had another meeting today with my SP. I wasn't quite expecting it. He is upset because there have been no changes since our last meeting. I was gone for a week he was gone for 2...and my team members have been gone as well.

Anyway...if he doesn't see changes I am out. I don't know where he got the idea my team had only met once...but that was a shock when he told me that. I am ONE person working PT and all my energy ends up going to programming. I do have some stuff in place...almost in place...that is going to alleviate it...but it takes time.

I told him where I was headed and he LOVED it...it is now just a matter of making it reality. It's going to take $$ to make some of this happen and we have none. I am over-budget because I actually had to buy new supplies. But, I know things can happen anyway!

I am numb and at a loss and just wanna give everything up and...ugh...I know I'll get over it! Just really hurting right now.

The Countdown Begins...

I leave in three days! I am ready to leave now. Actually, I amnot because I have a zillion things to do before I leave and on which cannot be done because the curriculum CD does not work on Macs! And, the one PC we have here does not seem to be working, Which means I go to Kinko's and have to get reimbursed! I actually hope we have NO kids for today's event! This would allow me to go to Kinko's and get September and october done. The one problem is they charge so much for printing a page. I may have my intern do it for me at home. I'll give her the paper! Long term that won't help though.

So, I have emails out all over So Cal so I can see people. Now I need to schedule all that and Disneyland. People need passes! :)

And in Other News...

There has been a lot said on the boards and a lot said on blogs about the tragedy that is becoming all too common these days. Well meaning, loving parents leaving their child in a car seat and forgetting they are there.

Before I heard about the tragedies in VA and TN...there have been a couple cases reported on our local news within CA. When I first moved back there was an instance and it seems like every 2-3 months you hear about it because even on a "cool" spring day...you have a baby in the sun in a car and well...the child is lost.

I have very mixed emotions about this whole thing. On the one hand there is a outrage at the situations. How do you NOT know that you have your child with you? Maybe it is the years of child care, day care and ministry that I have developed what some mom's have called my mom radar. High praise for someone who is not a parent and most likely cannot have kids! Maybe because I can be so anal about things so I would be like: keys, wallet, KID, diaper bag, etc. I do that now...even when rushed because I hate to have to go back down to the car if I don't have to! So while I know it happens and yes...I have locked my keys in my car...it is really hard to imagine leaving a child in a car because they are very different than a set of keys.

I also feel a profound sadness that a youth worker and another minister have lost their children, that friends who have shared their strong opinions about the incident have been treated horribly by fellow youth workers on their blogs and that these incidents have the ability to divide communities, churches and friends. As I have read over and over...the pain these men (and their families) are going through is something I cannot fathom. Knowing that through them a tragic accident occurred that has changed their lives forever. My heart aches for the wives that are probably in such shock and that may give way to fury and rightly so...but I pray when that intense anger comes they can work through it together.

It is so hard when we know the truth...the children are in the arms of Jesus...but the pain left behind can make that seem such a small comfort IN THE MOMENT. Hearing that, as I know from other situations in my own life, actually doesn't always help. I pray that the people who are there to support these families know that just being there can do more than any words...no matter how true or well meaning.

Part of me can think sarcastically, "Well, I was beat, I was constantly criticized (okay...still am...mom called me a dumb$^$# over and incident from at least FIVE years ago), I was verbally abused but at least she never left me in the car!" She never left me any place on accident and I have to give her credit for being that aware! But I think if someone like my mom who truly had no business being a parent could actually be that conscientious how could an actual LOVING parent be that forgetful?

We can never truly know how that few seconds was phased out of their minds and I believe that nothing can be done in our justice system that will take the place of the punishment these men are heaping on themselves. Heck, if anything, let them heal some and send them OUT to PTA meetings, MOPS and other groups to share their story as a caution. While torture at first, if their words can remind just one parent to remember that precious cargo in the back seat...I bet in time they would think it was worth the pain each speech would cause.

Behavior Chain Analysis...

So, yesterday's session was a little awkward. It is also interesting what gaps I have in my memory from time to time...and I don't mean these huge chunks of time or anything...I mean what day I cut (Thursday night) vs. being able to give Rob a blow by blow account of an event from over 10 years ago! Granted...that blow by blow account was seeing the first YP I volunteered under get fired and the aftermath...but it's still kind of strange. Just like that incident from a few weeks ago when Rob said something that hurt me and yet I couldn't remember exactly wha he said...just what it felt like.

At some point I have lost the ability (well misplaced it) to really look at a "problem behavior" and what lead to it, what I could have done differently, etc. I really concentrate on the distract part so I don't do it...that works abouyt 1/2 the time.

Last year at LIFE we had to fill out BCAs (Behavior Chain Analysis) when we "indulged" in a behavioe whether it be SI, purging, overexercising, etc. and getting caught. I'd do something and would be able to get away with it and then feel guilty and confess. I think I filled out like 6 of them in 2 two months. They really are a great tool to look at what else was going on what what was REALLY going on that prompted the behavior. Chances are, the last thing that happened may not be the thing that touched off the behavior in the first place.

I honestly do not look at the broad perspective or the whys anymore. Yesterday Rob and I made an oral contract. If I use any behavior he wants a BCA and then we go over it together during our session. I think he thought I would be against it. After reading through a couple of mine last night...I really welcome it should I need it. I found one that Aaron wanted me to do that I refused because I was ticked at him...so I am glad I have a blank one I can copy.

Thursdays "prompting event" was not what I thought it was when we talked. I think he realized it (I didn't until I walked out the door and then it dawned on me) when I couldn't come up with why I cut then when my mother has been...well...my mom...and I have resisted. As usual, he's right! :)

SIGH....

Someone please tell me WHY recovery is worth it? I am really missing ED. I know that IS soooooo dumb...but I do.

Back to the Grind...

I find this really funny. I missed Rob soooo much and now he is back and we are going to be diving back into stuff and I wish he were gone again. However, we only have three more sessions until I leave for "The OC" so it won't get too deep. Well, I may try my darndest to avoid. Bad I know...but I really don't want to dredge stuff up that is going to drag me back to where I was before PYT.

However, I know that PYT and having a break last week "cured" nothing. I mean it helped me depression-wise as far as not having so much down time that I had time to dwell on my emotional state and provided an ego boost that I am arguing with myself about whether I deserved what was said about me or not...but it's still there. Much improved...but still there. Knowing that, I can take the steps I need to make sure it stays improved!

I was worrying a bit about dependency issue with Rob and came through the two weeks much better than I expected. That is a HUGE relief. Some day he won't be there. Some day I will either move again or we'll be done or who knows what? I know I WOULD see him again and I am sure that was part of it...but 16 days is the longest I have gone in over a year. I don'tcount Remuda because that last month we stil snuck in emails...not anything treatment centered just everyday life type stuff.

It would be so easy right now to make him the enemy. To "blame"him for diving into the muck already. It's not true. Today I intend to takein my little person that my Hometown wrote on our last night. That will open up the can of worms all by itself. The part where TRUTH is smothering out my "truth" and while it is a good thing...I don't like it! Makes me feel very vulnerable and scared and well...confused.

Confused as in did they see what they saw because I was being all fake and phony? Or did they see what they saw because that is who I am or at least want to be? I know they didn't see all "Happy Dappy" Deneice. I ended up sharing stuff I hadn't intended to and probably should have shared more and stopped. The question came up (from me) about being the only Christian in your family and how it was for them. I had a few who are the only ones and shared that I was too. "E" asked me how I became a Christian and I shared the whole story (most of it anyway). Could have heard a pin drop. And, they saw me a bit unamused at failing to get their attention. But, I just did the silent thing and it worked.

Lots of questions, lots of "pondering," and lots of hours on his floor, holding onto Frederick and trying to find the words when it escapes me. Oh yeah...fun times!

So I Sit...

...and I ponder. One of Rob's favorite words.

He asked me a great question yesterday. Did PYT do anything to help me figure out if youth is what I still want to do. I had actualy been thinking about that. As I told him, I think it did but not in the way I expected. I was hoping/praying for one of those lightning bolt moments and I think God was a lot more quiet this time around.

I mean, when I first knew that Youth Ministry was where God wanted me...it was a "boot to the head" type moment. When I was on my knees giving the whole paid/volunteer issue to Him SEVEN years ago (ack!) each night after the campers were in bed...I felt peace about that and got a HUGE answer a few months later.

This time...I think it has been subtle. Truth be told, up until Triennium I had pretty much lost ALL confidence in my abilities in Youth Ministry. Heck, after the latest developments here before I left for Indiana...I was questioning my abilities for ministry period. Anyway, the afternoon of my first small group I was a wreck. I arrived in the room way early to try and make it all "perfect."

The first kid walked in, God was there and at the end of the 90 minutes I was really excited about it all. I remember thinking, "Okay, I still got it. I still connect, they seem to like me, they don't think I am a dork [I hope] and they came up with GREAT stuff for their Covenant." I think it was the feeling of accomplishment, the feeling that what I feel is my strongest point in ministry (relational stuff) was intact was the confirmation I was praying for.

Is it that easy? I dunno. I don't want to overanalyze it. I don't want to discount my experience either.

I wish that means I am ready to jump in to the job pool again. I'm not. I don't want to move again...not yet. I have been back in CA for almost two years and I am not ready for another move. I am not healthy enough...yet. I mean physically I am...but the other stuff...I fight myself with every bite I put in my mouth, the ED thoughts are ever present and well...why that stuff will go on for awhile...I need to be on better footing before I go off anyplace again.

SIGH...

The good news? ROB is back and after SIXTEEN LOOOOOONNNNGGGGG days...I gotto seehim!

The bad news? After sixteen loooooooonnnnggggg days and a great trip...reality came back quickly and I am very unsettled right now.

He asked great questions and need to think on them some more. I wish I could see him every day this week. Three more session and I am off to the OC for a week and no sessions. Kinda scary! SO much to get into between now and then!

The "End"

Last Saturday we had to take all our extra supplies and put them downstairs in the three boxes. HA! You really can't tell here...but the boxes were buried AND the mountain was bigger until some fine and upstanding Hometown leaders decided to help out and have stuff sorted! Cannot believe that a week ago I was in the lobby of Young...having ditched worship because my knee was screaming in pain from the minute I woke up...getting ready to leave. It seems almost surreal.

The Aftermath Originally uploaded by Deneice.