Thursday, August 05, 2004

Back to the Grind...

I find this really funny. I missed Rob soooo much and now he is back and we are going to be diving back into stuff and I wish he were gone again. However, we only have three more sessions until I leave for "The OC" so it won't get too deep. Well, I may try my darndest to avoid. Bad I know...but I really don't want to dredge stuff up that is going to drag me back to where I was before PYT.

However, I know that PYT and having a break last week "cured" nothing. I mean it helped me depression-wise as far as not having so much down time that I had time to dwell on my emotional state and provided an ego boost that I am arguing with myself about whether I deserved what was said about me or not...but it's still there. Much improved...but still there. Knowing that, I can take the steps I need to make sure it stays improved!

I was worrying a bit about dependency issue with Rob and came through the two weeks much better than I expected. That is a HUGE relief. Some day he won't be there. Some day I will either move again or we'll be done or who knows what? I know I WOULD see him again and I am sure that was part of it...but 16 days is the longest I have gone in over a year. I don'tcount Remuda because that last month we stil snuck in emails...not anything treatment centered just everyday life type stuff.

It would be so easy right now to make him the enemy. To "blame"him for diving into the muck already. It's not true. Today I intend to takein my little person that my Hometown wrote on our last night. That will open up the can of worms all by itself. The part where TRUTH is smothering out my "truth" and while it is a good thing...I don't like it! Makes me feel very vulnerable and scared and well...confused.

Confused as in did they see what they saw because I was being all fake and phony? Or did they see what they saw because that is who I am or at least want to be? I know they didn't see all "Happy Dappy" Deneice. I ended up sharing stuff I hadn't intended to and probably should have shared more and stopped. The question came up (from me) about being the only Christian in your family and how it was for them. I had a few who are the only ones and shared that I was too. "E" asked me how I became a Christian and I shared the whole story (most of it anyway). Could have heard a pin drop. And, they saw me a bit unamused at failing to get their attention. But, I just did the silent thing and it worked.

Lots of questions, lots of "pondering," and lots of hours on his floor, holding onto Frederick and trying to find the words when it escapes me. Oh times!

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