Sunday, August 22, 2004

I'm Baaaaack!

I am exhausted. Will update later...have an entry to cut and paste from the week. need to find it!

Wrote this Thursday...

To Be Known...

As much as I want and crave it, I am also very afraid of it. Yet, as I sit here in my hotel and watch the fireworks from Disneyland (and a pretty good view of them at that), I would be lying if I said that there weren't people in my life that do know me...almost without me knowing it. Today I saw Doug for the next to last time. At some point today I ended up with a headache. I ate so it wasn't that! In fact, I was trying to decide where, what and IF and thought it would be best if I did not choose a place where I had bought food, ate it and then promptly went home and got rid of said food. Guess what? Very few places qualify. I ended up at Red Robin and was OK. If I binged I could see this being more "traumatic," but it was still jarring. Anyway, I told Doug that this is getting harder and harder for me. He understood why...he said it the day before. This is different than a normal vacation because it is a "home vacation." The man has always been determined to help me/make me/force me kicking and screaming to see what he and just about everyone else in my life sees vs. what I see. So, he is adjusting me and we are talking and he reminds me that while being here is hard and leaving even harder...that I have brought joy to his office this week (I have really clicked with the new office staff) and is glad he has one day more with me. I said something like "and I have a headache." He tells me he could tell as he was doing my adjustment and fixed it and it should go away within a couple hours. I don't know why I doubt that from time to time...they do always go away! He said by tomorrow I would be where I was when I last saw him 20 months ago!

I think even my SP knows me better than I think. I think he knew that his memo right before I left would shake me. I got an email from him telling me of a cool possibility, but he also apologized if the memo sounded heavy handed. As it turns out, there have been some problems with other staff not being clear/on the same page after some discussions. He wants to make sure it is writing so we are clear. I can't fault him for that and yet that has NEVER been an issue between the two of us. I do find it interesting he realized how I might feel. As much as I protest people knowing me too well...I want to be here in "The OC" where I have people in my life who do just that. It did a ton for me when I came back from Remuda the first time. The support, the people who can say the stuff I don't always want to hear but have EARNED that right in my life and even though lives are changing and "stuff," the friendships remain intact. It's not easy to find these people in San Jose.

Quite frankly...everyone believes I went away for 60 days and all is well. It makes it that much harder and it feels as if I need to be "on" 24/7. I know it is easy to romanticize my life here before the move to Indiana and the relapse, but I also know for a fact I was much happier then than I am now. I know that it was easier to out into practice what Greg and I did in therapy vs. what Rob and I are doing. It's very much the same work, but I am fighting it tooth and nail because what happens there does not translate into the rest of my life. I take that back. It doesn't translate into the rest of my "real time" life. While I love all my friends that are on the Forum or that I have met through other say it is not enough is NOT true. That demeans these relationships and I know I'd be dead without them. Unfortunately I am unable to call them up to get me out of the house and there are times when I long for face to face rather than IM or even a phone call.

I bring certain destructive stuff with me when I go away. Not so much for me as to keep them away from my mother snooping to find them. I usually toss them in a drawer and leave them there until I leave. Tonight I brought them outfor the count. I emailed Rob earlier and told him I didn't want to leave here...EVER. I am on the 4th floor and wonder if my window opens. Dumb thoughts that I have no intention of carrying out, but they still float around my head. Part of me wants to take all my meds (except the Ambien...not enough to hurt me but if I need help sleeping I would have something) and give them to Doug. Several years ago when "Choose Life" was a popular CCM song, I bought the CD and it came with a bonus CD of the song. I gave it to Doug because he used to drill that song in my head all the time. He told me yesterday that he still has it. I won't do it though because they are like a "safety net" for me. If I have him get rid of them (as he has with diuretics and diet pills in the past) then that is gone and I really am not ready for that.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

hey girl.
i loved hanging out with you, we should have gone to lunch or something! (but lunch at 10 am wasn't quite the right timing for me) :)

love you. stand with you. i am so glad we are friends.