Tuesday, August 03, 2004

So I Sit...

...and I ponder. One of Rob's favorite words.

He asked me a great question yesterday. Did PYT do anything to help me figure out if youth is what I still want to do. I had actualy been thinking about that. As I told him, I think it did but not in the way I expected. I was hoping/praying for one of those lightning bolt moments and I think God was a lot more quiet this time around.

I mean, when I first knew that Youth Ministry was where God wanted me...it was a "boot to the head" type moment. When I was on my knees giving the whole paid/volunteer issue to Him SEVEN years ago (ack!) each night after the campers were in bed...I felt peace about that and got a HUGE answer a few months later.

This time...I think it has been subtle. Truth be told, up until Triennium I had pretty much lost ALL confidence in my abilities in Youth Ministry. Heck, after the latest developments here before I left for Indiana...I was questioning my abilities for ministry period. Anyway, the afternoon of my first small group I was a wreck. I arrived in the room way early to try and make it all "perfect."

The first kid walked in, God was there and at the end of the 90 minutes I was really excited about it all. I remember thinking, "Okay, I still got it. I still connect, they seem to like me, they don't think I am a dork [I hope] and they came up with GREAT stuff for their Covenant." I think it was the feeling of accomplishment, the feeling that what I feel is my strongest point in ministry (relational stuff) was intact was the confirmation I was praying for.

Is it that easy? I dunno. I don't want to overanalyze it. I don't want to discount my experience either.

I wish that means I am ready to jump in to the job pool again. I'm not. I don't want to move again...not yet. I have been back in CA for almost two years and I am not ready for another move. I am not healthy enough...yet. I mean physically I am...but the other stuff...I fight myself with every bite I put in my mouth, the ED thoughts are ever present and well...why that stuff will go on for awhile...I need to be on better footing before I go off anyplace again.

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