Friday, August 27, 2004

Six Degrees of Separation

It turns out that Rob and Ron were indeed at APU together. That is so funny! I guess it shouldn't shock me all that much. People in my life seem to end up connected through other sources. Ramon, for instance, is a therapist at the Center for Individual and Family Therapy. He works out of both the Orange and Mission Viejo offices. I saw Ts at both places and for a little while, Greg's wife Kendra supervised Ramon. I really like the connections.

Yesterday Rob decided that "fluff time" was over and he jumped right back to where we left off like 6 weeks ago. He pulled out the email I sent him that brought on the last Saturday session. I thought we dealt with it. Guess not. So, we talked about my fear of rejection among other things.

We talked about my crying or lack thereof. I hate to cry. It doesn't solve anything (Rob: "Why does it have to solve anything?"), I hate looking weak, and the biggie...I have been hot for crying in the past. I NEVER said that out loud until yesterday. He isn't shocked by much in my life anymore...but that did shock him a little. It's been on my mind when this topic has come up before, but I have always stopped short of saying it. Still protecting my mom.

I told him last Friday (oh my gosh...has it been a week already????) Dr. D saw me cry because I cried when I said goodbye to him. I told him I thought it was weird because I didn't cry as I left my other friends but as soon as I stepped foot in the office the tears welled up. It was strange talking about it...the whys. Admitting to Rob that Doug is very much a father figure was...I dunno...I don't think it is a surprise to anyone...but it was still weird really talking about it. Doug was there from my rocky transition into my first youth job, to my relapse, etc. Rob also pointed out just the touch of chiropractic medicine.

So, my goal is to accept the fact that I fear Rob is going to reject me (even though I know in my head he will so NOT) and plow on with my thoughts anyway. He's right...but the thought is so scary. Yet I know if I don't, I will never be "well" enough to leave here and go "home" to So Cal. The ickiness of having to dig does carry a great reward at the end. The thing is, while I also fear leaving Rob someday...I know that he won't be out of my life. It is going to be very different than leaving Greg or when Marc left...I think it will be better.

Then there are issues of why I hold onto ED and the questions Ron brought up and I am guessing as I continue to do some of the work Rob and I have been doing for the last 3-4 months...those questions will be answered.

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