From Loren's Blog...

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Dumb, Dumb, Dumb...

I want Del Taco Chili Fries. Either that or something with meat in it. I would say I have eaten totally veggie this week...but that isn't true...just most of the week. I have eaten pretty much just once...but the food I did eat was healthy and totally want JUNK right now.

I also think I have not had enough water in days. Maybe I am not hungry at all...maybe it's just because I am really, really thristy. The last thing I want to do is confuse the two.

This morning I got a call from our Parish Associate. It seems her grandson (one of the Jr. Highers) stole my camera off my desk yesterday. I know theft has been a problem with him...but I thought he was better with it. Now I wonder if the missing walkie talkie is not in his possession. I think I am more upset because he has been such a great helper with the younger kids over the last few months. He is going to have to take a time out for a good 3-4 months now. I hate to do it because I know his background (he was adopted) and how he could take it...but in the long run it will be a GOOD thing.

Today I would sit brainless in front of the TV and want to cut and/or purge. I know I need to figure out why and I am working on it. Neither is exactly pleasant!

It LIES!!!

I Am STUCK!

I have made food into a MORAL issue. Rob was having me sit with my eyes closed as he was telling me food was ok, etc. Each time I was unable to stay with that I had to open my eyes. Not sure we made it the whole time.

Anyway, as we were talking about it and me saying food wasn't ok...he said that I must think it's OK as I eventually eat. I looked at him and said, "Just because it's OK doesn't make it right."

I have turned food into a MORAL issue. That was an eye-opener!

That and I have taken it off my basic needs for life. Water…probably not enough…but check. Air…I breathe in and out like I am supposed to…God? Yuppers! Food? Ummmm….NO!

I am very stuck with it. Not sure what to do with it or if I want to. Rob was walking me through the “what happens if” scenario. No water…you could die, don’t breathe…you die, don’t eat after a LONG period of time…you can die. I looked at him and said, “This is a bad thing?” He ignored that. Nice to know he thinks I don’t mean it!

Right now I am sorry I brought anything up having to do with food itself. I don’t even remember what we were discussing before I walked in his office and decided that food issues were more important than whatever we were doing.

Dodged the Bullet...

I almost blew it tonight. I hadn’t had anything but the piece of quiche since last night and so I “overindulged” tonight and had maybe 8 oz. of chicken and a bunch o steamed (totally plain) broccoli. HUGE mistake. I wanted to get rid of it in the worst way. I had myself convinced I was going to gain at least FIVE pounds from that meal. Okay…3500 extra calories equals a pound. Multiply that and not very likely even if the meal had been deep fried!

But, who said ED is rational? I stood up, was all set to go purge but quickly emailed Rob instead. A real quick…wanna purge…emailed you instead and sent it. He replied so I emailed him back and am working on something for Thursday.

I really need to think about what the ED voices are saying and when and what else is going on externally. But, this is really the first time I have come this close…where I have actually made steps to where I purge…but I didn’t…I know that is good…but it doesn’t feel that way.

If I think about what I was feeling, it may have been that I was a bit upset at my mom because I sort had dinner planned out and then I didn’t hear from her so I didn’t know what to do and she wanted something I didn’t so I had to change it all.

I also got on the scale this morning, was hungry ALL day and wouldn’t indulge myself until this afternoon. I should chuck the darn thing…but I’d just buy a new one.

Yee Haw!!!!

Woo hoo! It is official…I get to go to Purpose Driven Children’s Ministry!!! I am thrilled and have mixed feelings all at the same time. This time I want to have a phone session with Rob. I have an easy time without him when I am off someplace than when I am home and he is gone…but because of how I FEEL going back to So Cal and especially the OC…it’s always a mixed blessing.

Tonight I made quiche for the first time. I hated it...my mom LOVED it. Then again, I often don't like my own creations. But hey...it was only 320 calories and with the milk from earlier puts me at 390 for the day.

I know that shouldn't make me happy...it is not logical nor rational to be happy that my intake is less than 5o0 calories...but I am.

TRIGGERING...

I don’t want to play the “I wish I were dead game.” though that is what is rambling through my head. That is what I hold back from Rob. I am never going to act on it so why bother. Hell…if I WERE going to act on it he doesn’t seem to care so why even talk about it?

We talked more food stuff today. I told him what goes through my head. I told him all I had yesterday was popcorn and I told him that I don’t deserve food. We talk about how the rational and truthful thing is that I need to eat…feeding oneself is a basic need for survival. I want to shout out…WHO SAYS I WANT TO SURVIVE??? WHY HAVEN’T YOU FIGURED OUT THAT THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN A SLOW FORM OF SUICIDE? But, I won’t. I think he knows and that is probably the least of my problems anyway.

I can list a “zillion” Scriptures on why I deserve life, that there is a plan for my life, I was created for a purpose…yada, yada, yada…and it is true…but it still feels like it isn’t for ME. If I dropped dead tomorrow I am not sure I’d care because I am so frustrated with trying to learn the right things and it’s not sinking in.

OC Here I Come...MAYBE!!I

I got an email from my Chuldren's Ministry elder yesterday. I had told her a couple weeks ago I really wanted to go to the Purpose Driven Children's Ministry confrence at Saddleback. I had told Cindy that I KNOW I was a volunteer at All Stars for two years...but volunteering in my little (or I guess rather large as the service I volunteered at had more 5th and 6th graders than show up at our church here on a Sunday) corner of Saddleback is different than hearing the whole thing.

Before the new building was even started, all the 5th/6th grade volunteers from all the services met together as Criag Jutila shared his vision. When I was back there in August it was awesome to see that vision completed.

Anyway, I would have had the $$$, but they cut my professional expenses budget to $116. She talked to or Pastor and he wants to find the $$. I have vision, I KNOW where we want to go and pretty much how to get there but for some reason I am LOUSY about casting said vision. I think this will help.

Granted, being in the OC is a perk all its own. I will get to stay with Anna and EG and get to see Doug and only months will have gone by rather than the almost 2 years from the last time between adjustments. And, as I plan to be back in the fall, it will then only be 6 months!

I hope to more soon!

It's The Weekend...

...and I have no life! Actually, right now it dosn't bother me. I have too much going on in my head. And I am still reeling a bit from Thursdays session. I emailed him yesterday to tell him something and then I ended up also telling him what was going through my head when he made the mind reading crack. Honestly, if we hadn't figured out we were both missing each other with what we were saying I would not have been back. My thought was if he thought I didn't need to eat that not eating to punish myself, because I don't deserve it, etc. was OK then why shell out $400 a month (not counting the $240 my gma pays)? I have a feeling I will have to read that email out loud on Monday.

Mom is working today (until noonish I think) and then her schedule changes and she will have Sundays and Mondays off. I HATE that she is home on Mondays...hopefully this won't be forever!

Today was interesting. I totally misunderstood what Rob was saying because he totally misunderstood what I was saying. He thought I was telling him I was tying to force myself to eat when I wasn’t hungry so he told me I know my body and if I don’t think I need to eat…don’t. I thought he knew I meant restricting and IGNORING my hunger. So, my head is playing games and putting words in his mouth that he thinks I am a beached whale, that he thinks I am fine without food, that I don’t need it, etc.

By the time it was almost time to leave I was ready to go home and cut. He asked me how I was feeling and I told him. Well, I told him I wanted to cut and I didn’t know why but it was like I was a pressure cooker and I needed to release the pressure. If I would have looked at the clock I wouldn’t have let him calm me down…but I thought we had time. Anyway, he tells me to sit back and take three deep breaths. I did. He then had me clear my mind and as I did that I was able to tell him I felt stupid for not being able to just let those voices play out and eat anyway and that he had me so confused. We talked it out. He prayed. We hugged. I left, got in my car and looked at the clock. We went over about 15 minutes. I am really grateful for that.

He also accidentally called me “friend” again today. He knows I hate that because he is my therapist, there is NO friendship…no one based on anything outside of that office. Although, he did tell me that he is just “mostly my therapist,” meaning there is some sort of friendship there. He also had to apologize for making fun of me. He should know better. With all that he said before we got it worked out, I was very silent. I haven’t been that quiet in a very long time. At one point, just as I was about to say something, he picks something up off his desk and says, “They are offering a new continuing education class…Mind Reading 101.” THAT backfired. He took one look at me and apologized.

My mom woke me up at 4:30 this morning to ask me a couple questions and I should know going into a session when I am not at full sleep is a bad thing. But it is so good to know that I can tell him that I am confused by what he is saying and that he welcomes the questions!

Rob has agreed to allow me to email him my food intake until Toni is back from maternity leave. Ever since I freaked out about the apple last week I realize that if I don't make the effort to let someone see what I am eating vs. what I am supposed to eat I can easily continue and then make adjustments to not even doing what I am doing.

So, I gave him a copy of my meal plan and did tell him I left out the three optional snacks, but that the rest is what is on my RR plan. I am not even sure how much he is going to comment on it when he gets the emails...but at least there is somone who knows exactly what I am eating and when.

We talked a lot about the ED voices yesterday and how fighting against them won't help. Rob said I need to just let them play out because if I do that and do what I need to do anyway, it will stop in time. I have conditioned myself so well that the voices will be overwhelming for a good time to come. Then there is the fact that I have to get over my continuing insistence that I do not deserve food and that it may be basic human need...but not for me.

You'd think that Deneice City over at the YS Forums would really help me see that it IS okay for me to live, to eat, etc. I think that is the one thing that Rob said yesterday that I really didn't answer back with anything. He talked about food as a basic need for survival. I wanted to tell him that the jury was still out on me wanting to survive...but I thought better of it.

I told him that I am not buying gum and that is a GREAT thing...if I chew gum I will not eat. I used to go through almost a whole big pack a day. I used to know calories for just about everything I even thought about eating. They are two small things...but things that show there has been SOME progress...but in the long run those two things are miniscule.

Anyone? Beuller?

Does anyone out there remember anything I said about the bozo I saw pre-Rob? We are going to talk about it on Thursday because we never really have and other than David's comment about me not needing to "force calories," I don't remember too much.

I hate to even get into with him because they work at the same counseling center, but it was Rob's idea. I did tell him today that my last session with David took me three hours to "come down from" and that if I hadn't liked him (Rob) I would have quit therapy totally. I need to think about it more. I wish I had been blogging then!

Sigh..

All that being said...I AM trying. I just finished a rally good portobella/garlic burger on a honey wheat bun with ketchup and mustard. For dinner I am making pizza (TJ crust) but I am not sure if it will be BBQ chicken or more tradional. If mom wants some I will go with tradition! And I will eat broccoli with it. I have some here...or I'll get salad "stuff."

Either way it is about 1/2 of what I should eat and yet feels like so much. Actually, that pizza crust has a lot of calories so I will get in way more than I intended. Maybe not...I can watch the cheese and do veggie instead of chicken and I sound SO screwed up. At least I know it and that is a good thing. Gives me something to work on...I can argue about how much food this is...but there is that part in my had that knows 1/2 my calories is pretty low...not by ED standards...but by being healthy and keeping the body going standards. Which, as usual, is a debate I have witu myself all the time!

I HATE, LOATHE & DESPISE FOOD!!!!

MAY TRIGGER!!!!!!!

I have NO clue what is going with me this week. I am hungry all the time. I find that totally unacceptable. I have no reason to be hungry, I don’t WANT to be hungry and it just makes things worse when I “give in.” I mean, I know that at least once a day I do need to give in and have something to eat. I have been doing great about it being a meal plan meal. Anyway, I have been eating that at dinner time(ish) and that should be great…but I still get hungry and then I wake up hungry.

I would love to think that my metabolism was awakened, but there is no reason for it to rev up out of nowhere. Okay, now that all those who joined the “Y” have given up, I do plan on going back myself next week and maybe that will help. I sure hope so because I can’t take this. I feel it is total weakness to give in to the hunger. Of course, the logical part of me thinks…there goes the perfectionist part of me again…denying that very human part of me…that very basic need.

This is one of those weeks that I long for the days when I could indulge in a Happy Meal and then purge it and that would tide me over for 48 hours until I dared eat something to keep down. It’s a week when I miss the “powerful” feeling I got when I could ignore food while those around me “gave in” and ate…where the feeling of that kind of self-control made me a total snob in a lot of ways. Not that I looked down on those who “had” to eat…but there was some self-satisfaction there. Enough of that snobbery still remains that I disgust myself when I eventually have to make choices and eat.

Last night when I was bringing Spike to my mom’s room for a bit she asked me what I wanted for dinner tonight. I said I didn’t know and then she says, “Nothing?” I get such mixed messages from her. She either harasses me because I am not eating or makes comments like that. I know what I should do…ignore her and do what I am supposed to do, but even without her comments I don’t do what I am supposed to.

I stare at my meal plan on the fridge and for the life of me can’t believe that I have actually eaten all the food on that meal plan in a day. Of course, part of the problem is that I look at it and while it is split into three meals, I can see the whole day in my head and that becomes overwhelming.

Toni asked one simple thing…that I eat SOMETHING in the morning. I went into that with good intentions. That same week I made RR bran muffins. They are in my freezer. I think I have 2 of them. Last week I went to Trader Joe’s and bought a box of Kashi Crunch and some oatmeal. They are sitting in the cupboard untouched. I have frozen berries in the freezer and a yogurt in the fridge and 10:1 the yogurt needs to be tossed.

While I know I need to this for myself, without the accountability, it is really easy to not do it. She is gone for 6 more weeks and it’s not like I need it anyway. Have you LOOKED at me lately???? I totally disgust myself which also makes it easy to not eat. I keep thinking what that bozo said to me just before I started seeing Rob…I shouldn’t worry about not eating because I don’t need to force the calories anyway. That must rattle in my head most of the day…every day for the past TWO years.

I take no joy in the fact I have now not purged for four months and next week not cut for three. Although if I do slip it won’t mean a contract, I live as if it does otherwise I am sure I would give in. As much as I want to stop all of it…without some sort of consequence (real or imagined) it’s too easy to keep going…to take out how much I hate myself on my body. To take out all the frustration I feel when I fail, when I under perform, etc. out on myself in that way.

I ate dinner at church with the youth group Wednesday night and regret it. I ate pizza. I had some sort of noodle thingy and it was my SECOND meal of the day. The fact I was hungry at all yesterday was amazing. It made no sense. But, I waited until about 4 PM and so it was about 22 hours from that meal…but if I could have gotten away with not eating at all…I would have.

One of my biggest fears (besides the feeling of “all that food” in my stomach) is that I won’t stop eating. That I am so hungry that I will eat whatever I can get my hands on until I am physically sick. To me a “binge” is NOT your bulimic binge…I cannot even fathom that…but it would be a meal with a salad and three pieces of pizza, or a meal where I have three pieces of chicken or we go out and have fries with my order instead of veggies. Or it might be a bag of the 99 cent chips or a full bag of microwave popcorn. That fear does pretty much keep me in check.

That, of course, ties into my whole control thing. The thought of not being able to reign in that hunger and say stop is a chance I am not willing to take right now. I LOVED the fact at the holidays I was giving everyone else what I made and that my mom was mowing through left over fudge and I barely touched the stuff. Most of the time I took a bite to see if it was OK and then threw the rest of whatever it was in the garbage. Granted, I LOVE to cook/bake/candy make for others…but I am OK without it myself.

I just hate, loathe and despise food and would be very happy if I could forgo food without the consequences.

SIGH...

I don’t know what is going on. Food is a problem anyway, but lately even more so. For some reason I am hungry all the time and today I “gave in” early and had an organic apple with about a ½ T of PB. Logically, I can tell you that I know that was nothing…a snack. But I went into full panic mode afterward. Okay, the last time I felt that panicked was when I had a flashback in Rob’s office weeks and weeks ago. This was a little better that that…but not much.

But, at 5 PM I was “good,” and had a balanced dinner…and then got online because I wanted to get rid of said dinner. Last night I went to “those sires,” but am really happy I had a love/hate experience with them.

Part of it reading “Changes that Heal.” While I agree with all good ‘ol Henry says, it is making me all topsy-turvy. Granted, I really don’t see others as all good or bad as I do myself (all bad anyway)…but I do have problems with that in my family. They gave/give me all this “stuff” yet were and still are abusive and trying to reconcile all that makes my head want to explode.

Of course, I think it is better to see myself as all bad until I can reconcile both parts of me. Can you imagine if I thought of myself of all good? Run…run away!

I am way functional…but I do want to be MORE than that…if I just didn’t have to eat to make that happen!

A friend sent me this from the 2005 Rose Parade! It was part of US Bank's float! How cool is that????

The sessions this week with Rob have been good…but very “different.” Not in a bad way…but in the 10 days away was a GOOD thing because I talked, I shared and was really happy with the way things went. I mean, it lasted to yesterday…it wasn’t just a Monday thing.

Actually, yesterday was so funny. I walked in and said hello and he told me I swore. I said I did not and he said you said…hell…o! Then I told him he has said worse and we started cracking up. We got down to “business” and then at one point he said in my family I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t…we looked at each other and cracked up again! Earlier, I went to take the rubber bands off the same time Rob was about to ask me to remove them. I LOVE that…that I can read him a bit and he knows me well enough to know I was ready to start snapping!

He has asked me to read Dr. Henry Cloud’s “Changes that Heal” and he wants me to list reasons why I cut. He said in email: “I don't expect a thorough perusing through history of why you've cut - just a mild pondering, as sometimes I believe we always gain a little different and yet hopefully clearer perspective when we've had some distance as to why we've done whatever we've done - just allow some wondering why / reasons to what the cutting was about in general terms, like was some of it due to punishment, tension relieving, or whatever else - and of course to challenge the reasons underlying, etc...”

So, I will “ponder” it some tomorrow. I did start the book…not really tracking with it this time though…not sure why.

The ONLY thing that I am having such a hard time with is the whole contract if I cut thing. Rob is really anti-contract now because he doesn’t want it to be a gun to my head…he doesn’t want me to white knuckle it because I am afraid of what he’ll do or that he will terminate me. I told him it reminded of my mom. She would ground me and then not stick with it. I am going to push the issue because I WANT the ^%$^ consequences.

He's Back!!!!!!

I'm sorry. I am just really excited he is back. I mean, I really didn't even need him while he was gone, but I would rather know he is there by VM or email if need be.

I think I shocked him today. I gave him real answers to the questions he asked about Xmas Eve and NYE. Real answers being real feelings...not stuff like "I wanted to disappear." He was very happy I was able to do that and thrilled that it has been 3 1/2 months since I purged and 2 1/2 months since I cut. I keep telling him that those numbers are no big deal yet and my food intake sucks so it is really easy NOT to purge.

He gave me "homework," which I forgot. I called him and haven't heard from him. Since this is his first day back I am guessing that he was booked solid. I also need to tell him my feelings about him changing his mind about the contract. Part of his reasoning (we talked a bit about it today) was he doesn't want me to continue to white knuckle the behaviors because I am afraid of the contract. I get that...but I still need to tell him I think he is being wishy-washy and like my mom when he does that stuff!

Rob also started to talk about the email I sent him that had both Xmas Eve (well...24th 2003 and 23rd 2004) blogs (edited) in them. It was what was supposed to be in his card that I didn't get a chance to do. I cut him off and changed the subject because I didn't want to talk bout it...I will not talk about it!

Anyway...I need to think about actually eating today.

Rob is Back!!!!

I am sooooo glad he is back. Okay, I did fine without him...fairly well even. I wanted to cut and I didn't. I took his advice of breathing and it really helped. Five really deep breaths helped me to relax a bit and focus on pros and cons of cutting. Okay, I am tempted, but so far so good!

This means I have to give Frederick. I own one myself, but it is not quite the same.

This also means I have to come up with what I want to talk about. I figure by the time I do talk about the stuff that drove me nuts (mom/grandma) that it will take the whole time. Besides, after TEN days...he can't expect me to jump right back into the thick of it all. Well, he could...but I have really set some of it aside because he was gone and thinking of all that while alone...not good!

Boo and Spike are best friends! Boo will get sick of Spike and then go hide in my room...but they do get along and to watch them chase one another is great!

This is the best thing that came from my time in Indiana. Adopting Boo! He is the BEST cat!