Monday, January 24, 2005


I don’t want to play the “I wish I were dead game.” though that is what is rambling through my head. That is what I hold back from Rob. I am never going to act on it so why bother. Hell…if I WERE going to act on it he doesn’t seem to care so why even talk about it?

We talked more food stuff today. I told him what goes through my head. I told him all I had yesterday was popcorn and I told him that I don’t deserve food. We talk about how the rational and truthful thing is that I need to eat…feeding oneself is a basic need for survival. I want to shout out…WHO SAYS I WANT TO SURVIVE??? WHY HAVEN’T YOU FIGURED OUT THAT THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN A SLOW FORM OF SUICIDE? But, I won’t. I think he knows and that is probably the least of my problems anyway.

I can list a “zillion” Scriptures on why I deserve life, that there is a plan for my life, I was created for a purpose…yada, yada, yada…and it is true…but it still feels like it isn’t for ME. If I dropped dead tomorrow I am not sure I’d care because I am so frustrated with trying to learn the right things and it’s not sinking in.

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