Friday, January 14, 2005


I have NO clue what is going with me this week. I am hungry all the time. I find that totally unacceptable. I have no reason to be hungry, I don’t WANT to be hungry and it just makes things worse when I “give in.” I mean, I know that at least once a day I do need to give in and have something to eat. I have been doing great about it being a meal plan meal. Anyway, I have been eating that at dinner time(ish) and that should be great…but I still get hungry and then I wake up hungry.

I would love to think that my metabolism was awakened, but there is no reason for it to rev up out of nowhere. Okay, now that all those who joined the “Y” have given up, I do plan on going back myself next week and maybe that will help. I sure hope so because I can’t take this. I feel it is total weakness to give in to the hunger. Of course, the logical part of me thinks…there goes the perfectionist part of me again…denying that very human part of me…that very basic need.

This is one of those weeks that I long for the days when I could indulge in a Happy Meal and then purge it and that would tide me over for 48 hours until I dared eat something to keep down. It’s a week when I miss the “powerful” feeling I got when I could ignore food while those around me “gave in” and ate…where the feeling of that kind of self-control made me a total snob in a lot of ways. Not that I looked down on those who “had” to eat…but there was some self-satisfaction there. Enough of that snobbery still remains that I disgust myself when I eventually have to make choices and eat.

Last night when I was bringing Spike to my mom’s room for a bit she asked me what I wanted for dinner tonight. I said I didn’t know and then she says, “Nothing?” I get such mixed messages from her. She either harasses me because I am not eating or makes comments like that. I know what I should do…ignore her and do what I am supposed to do, but even without her comments I don’t do what I am supposed to.

I stare at my meal plan on the fridge and for the life of me can’t believe that I have actually eaten all the food on that meal plan in a day. Of course, part of the problem is that I look at it and while it is split into three meals, I can see the whole day in my head and that becomes overwhelming.

Toni asked one simple thing…that I eat SOMETHING in the morning. I went into that with good intentions. That same week I made RR bran muffins. They are in my freezer. I think I have 2 of them. Last week I went to Trader Joe’s and bought a box of Kashi Crunch and some oatmeal. They are sitting in the cupboard untouched. I have frozen berries in the freezer and a yogurt in the fridge and 10:1 the yogurt needs to be tossed.

While I know I need to this for myself, without the accountability, it is really easy to not do it. She is gone for 6 more weeks and it’s not like I need it anyway. Have you LOOKED at me lately???? I totally disgust myself which also makes it easy to not eat. I keep thinking what that bozo said to me just before I started seeing Rob…I shouldn’t worry about not eating because I don’t need to force the calories anyway. That must rattle in my head most of the day…every day for the past TWO years.

I take no joy in the fact I have now not purged for four months and next week not cut for three. Although if I do slip it won’t mean a contract, I live as if it does otherwise I am sure I would give in. As much as I want to stop all of it…without some sort of consequence (real or imagined) it’s too easy to keep going…to take out how much I hate myself on my body. To take out all the frustration I feel when I fail, when I under perform, etc. out on myself in that way.

I ate dinner at church with the youth group Wednesday night and regret it. I ate pizza. I had some sort of noodle thingy and it was my SECOND meal of the day. The fact I was hungry at all yesterday was amazing. It made no sense. But, I waited until about 4 PM and so it was about 22 hours from that meal…but if I could have gotten away with not eating at all…I would have.

One of my biggest fears (besides the feeling of “all that food” in my stomach) is that I won’t stop eating. That I am so hungry that I will eat whatever I can get my hands on until I am physically sick. To me a “binge” is NOT your bulimic binge…I cannot even fathom that…but it would be a meal with a salad and three pieces of pizza, or a meal where I have three pieces of chicken or we go out and have fries with my order instead of veggies. Or it might be a bag of the 99 cent chips or a full bag of microwave popcorn. That fear does pretty much keep me in check.

That, of course, ties into my whole control thing. The thought of not being able to reign in that hunger and say stop is a chance I am not willing to take right now. I LOVED the fact at the holidays I was giving everyone else what I made and that my mom was mowing through left over fudge and I barely touched the stuff. Most of the time I took a bite to see if it was OK and then threw the rest of whatever it was in the garbage. Granted, I LOVE to cook/bake/candy make for others…but I am OK without it myself.

I just hate, loathe and despise food and would be very happy if I could forgo food without the consequences.

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