Friday, January 07, 2005

The sessions this week with Rob have been good…but very “different.” Not in a bad way…but in the 10 days away was a GOOD thing because I talked, I shared and was really happy with the way things went. I mean, it lasted to yesterday…it wasn’t just a Monday thing.

Actually, yesterday was so funny. I walked in and said hello and he told me I swore. I said I did not and he said you said…hell…o! Then I told him he has said worse and we started cracking up. We got down to “business” and then at one point he said in my family I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t…we looked at each other and cracked up again! Earlier, I went to take the rubber bands off the same time Rob was about to ask me to remove them. I LOVE that…that I can read him a bit and he knows me well enough to know I was ready to start snapping!

He has asked me to read Dr. Henry Cloud’s “Changes that Heal” and he wants me to list reasons why I cut. He said in email: “I don't expect a thorough perusing through history of why you've cut - just a mild pondering, as sometimes I believe we always gain a little different and yet hopefully clearer perspective when we've had some distance as to why we've done whatever we've done - just allow some wondering why / reasons to what the cutting was about in general terms, like was some of it due to punishment, tension relieving, or whatever else - and of course to challenge the reasons underlying, etc...”

So, I will “ponder” it some tomorrow. I did start the book…not really tracking with it this time though…not sure why.

The ONLY thing that I am having such a hard time with is the whole contract if I cut thing. Rob is really anti-contract now because he doesn’t want it to be a gun to my head…he doesn’t want me to white knuckle it because I am afraid of what he’ll do or that he will terminate me. I told him it reminded of my mom. She would ground me and then not stick with it. I am going to push the issue because I WANT the ^%$^ consequences.

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