Update of Sorts...

There is a million things I need to be doing...but I have zippo concentration today. Not even sure why.

I am still trying to figure out what has prompted this slide of sorts. Monday I sat in Rob's office and for the first time in many, many, MANY months told him I wanted to purge. Okay...I had nothing in my body, but something must have touched an emotional nerve. I know I was little irked because he thought I was being all avoidy girl when I talked about the Biblemaniacs meeting from the day before. I wasn't. I think he forgets that I am on PROBATION here and that something as a failed meeting could mean my demise. So, I pretty much emailed him that later Monday afternoon.

Part of me thinks this is way more about control than the other part of me is willing to admit. On the surface, things seem GREAT. Other than the blip on Sunday, progress is being made on the goals my SP set, I am excited for the coming year in ministry, etc. But, if I allow myself to be still long enough I also know that this is a hugely stressful time for me and add on the depression and it makes sense. Why don't I tell Rob this? I have no clue. I am really trying to not allow this "lack of control" in other areas of my life carry over to ED stuff...but it's hard.

Into my third week to the gym and I already feel guilty for not going yesterday. My compromise with Toni is only three days a week...but I am finding it hard. I can't wait to get there today and burn, burn, burn!

That's the other thing. I don't see 3x a week at all bad for what I am doing. If I were at it 5-6 times a week or 2x a day then I would think Toni should be concerned. But only teo hoyrs three days a week? Bah! Rob agrees with me. He says that he can't see how there could be too much of a good thing like exercise. Of course, I take that to mean because I am such a beached whale I need all the gym time I can get...but I also know that's wonky thinking and that he didn't mean it that way.

Kick Off Sunday is this week and I reserved "The Incredibles" bounce house from http://www.astrojump.com. I need to get medical release forms ready and my picture display. I have most of the pic printed out...but I think I'll do that at home. I am supposed to have Friday off (as the office is closed on Mondays, Friday is our Labor Day holiday), but there is too much to do.

This is where is true test of recovery now lies: Do I manage to squeak out where I think the control issues are (eating my words from Monday's denials?), or do I give him my crack pot theory and see where that leads?

Kids Day Out!

Tomorrow is the every other month event for Children's Ministry. Tomorrow it is off off to the pool of a family in our church. They love to open their home and pool to the kids of the church (K-12th) and it makes this a no cost event. Oddly enough, it is going to be smaller than the more costly event we did back in April. Hmmm...

It worked out this time that all the kids/youth have a chance to be gone (i.e. parents have a chance to get rid of them) because Jr. High is going paintballing and Sr. High is going to Great America! The last hurrah of summer...except some of the kids started back on Wednesday!

Ack!

This Sunday I am doing a meeting with all my Biblemaniacs teachers (well...most of them I hope and pray)for the coming year. We will talk about the theme for the year (the WoRM curriculum we use has a 6 year scope and sequence) which is "Messiah" and go over the first three lessons for September. We'll talk about "multiple intelligences" and what is expected from the teachers when they teach. I have been working toward doing this for the past couple years and I am so happy it is FINALLY getting off the ground! The best thing was getting the pulpit support after my reminder announcement last Sunday and hearing back from a faithful teacher saying she is looking forward to teaching again this year!

So, I am getting "stuff" together for the meeting and pray that most of my teachers will be attending.

I really feel good about the coming year and the meeting the goals set for me. I need to get the otjer team going. I'll see two of the three tonight at small group and see what works for them and then call my third. I am hoping we can meet next week.

whoever is out there reading...please pray for this! Internally I really am gung-ho...but as the depression continues to close in I am finding myself procrastinating a little and wanting to just sleep!

More Buffy...

WILLOW: OK. But, you need help, Buffy. I know you, and I know you'll never admit it, but you need help.

BUFFY: I'll be OK. OK, or better. It's like my guarantee.

That is SO me. Never admit it...never reach out when it is in my face.

As my mood continues to spiral down...as I continue to burn 1000 calories just on cardio equipment (and then not losing any weight this week...thank you PCOS)...as I continue to struggle and try and figure out why my head is where it is...I have two perfectly good "helpers" in my midst and not sure I am doing a great job of asking for their help.

But, then I think that is not totally true. Today went well with both of them. Rob is helping me to wade through all this...except I am left with more questions and frustrations than anything...but he is trying to help me untangle all that is in my head and NOT judging it. Toni is willing to work with me...until I am ready to stop working out like a maniac. Well...I am limited to three days a week and she knows that I may not be able to do that. But, because I am not eating enough she is worried about my phyiscal being...much more than I am.

Rob asks me what he isn't getting about all this. I keep telling him it's not him it's me that isn't articulating anything right. We have a running joke that he is never wrong (and yes he has been which is why it is a joke) and so he reminds me he is never wrong so it IS him. Maybe it's simple. The struggling is no big deal. The 90% willingness to dive back into the ED means nothing other than I am having some problems in some area of my life and this is serving to cover that up. I wish I knew.

And, through this struggle, I get really frustrated with myself because...well...just because...not ready to get into that here.

Sigh...

Everything I Needed to Know About Recovery I Learned from Buffy Pt. 2

WILLOW: It's nice to be forgiven. Too bad I need so much of it.

BUFFY: I have a confession to make. I thought it might be you. With the flaying.

WILLOW: I know.

BUFFY: I wanna be the kind of person that wouldn't think that. Xander never thought it.

WILLOW: He did, a little. Heck, I did a little. Xander has the luxury of not saying it, but you're the slayer. You have to say stuff like that. It's OK. It's OK too if you still don't think I can recover from this magic stuff, 'cause, honestly, I'm not that sure about it either. (prepares to meditate again)

BUFFY: I thought you were too tired.

WILLOW: It hurts too much not to try.

BUFFY: I'm sorry.

WILLOW: It just takes so much strength. I don't have that much.

BUFFY: I got so much strength, I'm giving it away.

WILLOW: Are you sure?

BUFFY: Will it help?

WILLOW: Much.

BUFFY: Good.

As I watched "Same Time, Same Place" this afternoon I wasn't looking for another "a-ha" this resonates soooo much moment...it just sort of appeared.

I always hesitate writing this type of stuff because I wait for someone to ask me where God fits into all this....I mean using examples from "Buffy" rather than the Bible? What kind of Christian are you???? Short answer...I'd be dead without His strength that sustains me on a daily basis. I couldn't imagine even attempting any type of recovery without knowing I am not alone...even if I am physically...which is where this final scene actually comes into play.

I think when Willow tells Buffy she isn't sure she can recover and she starts mediating to heal her body after what had happened to it...that struck me as such a truth...that people in my life have walked parts of this road with me for SO long that maybe they doubt my chances of recovery as much as I do at times.

Then, Buffy offers her strength along with Willow's own and that really touched me. Yes, I so know that Jesus is right by my side through all this and there are moments that I know it is because of Him I haven't given in or given up...even at the worst of times...because I know it's not my strength...but I long to have people in "real time" that can give me that strength...that don't want to fix me, lecture me, recite evvery verse in the Bible that I already know for "times such as these," etc. Someone...ANYONE that will just let me (if I could even allow myself) cry for seemingly no reason and not ask why and be comfortable with those tears. Okay, I think that may be asking too much and yet there are those I have been able to do that with. Unfortunately, thjey are in "The OC."

I live in the 10th largest city in the country and yet, unless I am a college student, I have been unable to find an ED support group. That is wrong in so many ways.

So, I watch Buffy take Willow's hands and lend her strength to Willow...not saying anything...simply holding her hands as she helps Willow heal and tear up because I long for that and yet at the same time am afraid that either I don't deserve it and/or will push it away.

Tonight I had a shot in my small group to share that I am struggling and yet I couldn't. I tried to say something...even sugar coating it a bit...but the words would not come. Maybe if my job were not in jeapordy...

I also had a dizzy spell on my way out to the car. Not good.

When the Lights Go Down in the City...

Looks like mom and I are on for a day in SF tomorrow. This means I need to either go to the gym today (and even in my warped state of mind I know that I need to let my body rest and we WILL be doing a lot of walking tomorrow if I have any say in the matter) or wait until Monday. I think I would do more harm than good by going today...the soreness I can deal with and that's part of the package since it has been a long while since I did that much exercise...the exhaustion on the other hand...I could go home and sleep until tomorrow if given the chance.

I would love to talk my mom into Alcatraz or a bay cruise...but that so isn't her. I'd like to drag her to the Aquarium but yet again...not her deal. So, I guess we'll walk Pier 39, the Wharf and up to Ghiradelli Square, etc. If I can get her on a cable car we can go to Union Square. This time I am staying away from the crab on the wharf. Toni is pretty sure that is what made sick the night I was up there. I think we are going to wind up at the Rainforest Cafe which I can deal with ok.

I dragged the scale out last night. I think I am going to put it right back where I had it. I actually forgot where I put it and almost gave up...then I realized it was probably in a drawer. Bingo! It's odd because I want to lose weight...but seeing how relatively "easy" it has been to lose three pounds in the last 4 days...probably not a great thing to know because I start playing games in my head on how I can avoid eating, how to try and convince my mom I had eaten when I haven't, etc.

In saner moments this morning and knowing all I know about EDs...I am trying to figure out what is really going on. What is going through my head is that all this stuff is just "symptoms" of whatever else is really going on. However, all I am seeing now is this huge black hole.

Anyway, so I am trying to stick with the saner parts of my thoughts so I can function. I have all my prep. work done for Sunday and I have my small group tonight so I can go to SF tomorrow and not have to worry that Sunday morning I have to run around like a chicken with my head cut off!

Not Sure This Was a Great Idea...

I went back to the gym yesterday...I am trying to keep it an every other day so I don't go bonkers. The one thing that helps that is lack o' ipod. I may need to beark down and charge an ipod shuffle! But, I have the one card and really want to get it paid down...so we'll see.

Anyway, as I promised the trainer on Monday, I ate something before I went to the gym. It had to be something I was willing to eat and yet had some carbs so I wouldn't die after 20 minutes on the elleptical machine. So, I had a raspberry Nutri-Grain bar.

My goal is to one day go to the gym and have the express purpose NOT to be to burn 500 calories on the cardio equipment before I even hit the weight machines. Yesterday, I did 50 minutes of cardio and was happy I could do it on one Nutri-Grain bar.

I see Toni tomorrow and I know she is going to need me to reel myself in a little bit because she doesn't like me to do that much cardio on so little food. The problem is between the PCOS and the ED my metabolism is in the basement anyway and I am deluding myself that as I start dropping weight again I will ease up on the gym time (if it gets ridiculous). This is going to take 100% honesty with Toni to make this work and it's scary how the temptation to NOT mention the gym is there. I fgure Rob knows...she doesn't need to know. That, my friends, is a HUGE lie and one that I cannot and will not allow myself to buy into.

In other news...I am currently 11 months purge free and Sunday will be 10 months SI free!

I'm...Not Sure What I Am....

Last week I finally bit the bullet yet again and joined Bally's. I am now tied into a three year contract...but I think I can put it on hold in certain circumstances. I really felt like I was doing it for more than ED reasons...between having the ED for 16 years or so and the PCOS my metabolism is in the cellar and I need to do something about it. I took the tour on Thursday and my insides were jumping for joy...I realized I missed it. Now I know why...

Yesterday was my "First Timers" work out with a trainer. Yesterday I thought I could do what I have done for the past five years off and on...work out without eating anything. By and large I did pretty well...until about 3/4 of the way through, then I started to tire. I had to admit why and he took me to the water fountain and told me to drink. We kept going until I finally got dizzy and we had to stop. I was almost in tears because I was so frustrated with myself. I was even more frustrated because I WANT to be able to work out for two hours and not eat before or after.

I rushed from the work out to Rob's office and after lecture three zillion about what a loser I am in therapy (okay, it wasn't even close to that...just felt like it at first) and I tried to explain this to him...but either he didn't quite get what I was saying or he got it and was trying to help me untangle it. My guess it was a bit of both.

I feel like he didn't get what I said about missing the ED. I think he glommed onto me saying it was a dumb thought and didn't hear the rest of it. I flat out told him that I miss being able to work out and not eat, that I hate having to eat at all, etc. We went around and around about the thoughts being "normal" and that sort of thing. I told him that I cannot believe that wanting to dive back into the ED is a "normal" thought. Rob then said to just see them as thoghts and not judge them, not fight them, just let them be there because it doesn't mean I am going to act on them.

Maybe I just want my feelings of wanting to jump right back into all ED behaviors validated...not condoned...but having someone understand why I feel like that and that it doesn't mean I am going to DO anything with the thoughts.

Sigh...

Starved II

I'm still not sure what I think about it. Last night they got a lot of stuff right. It makes sense because the creator of the series has battled "food issues," and I have to admit, when two characters were discussing colonics and the cop made a comment about not wanting to hear about (and believe me...I NEVER use the first word so I am kinda embarrassed to type it) "ass bulimia" I cracked up. I honestly thought it was hysterical. The fact that one of the characters lost three pounds after the procedure was a little triggering (though it makes sense that would happen) and made me wonder what one would cost.

The scene with the woman and her two dads was also very true to eating diorders. Her one dad made a comment about her weight (she is so NOT fat by any stretch of the imagination) and she told him she could lose the weight and be thin enough for the hospital for next year's b-day gift.

The cop was alone, making dinner for two and then purged. Yup...I have had many the solitary meal (for one) and done the same exact thing...though I nevers et the table with flowers, etc.

"Starved" seems to make more fun of the dysfunction that CAUSED the EDs rather than the EDs themselves, but showing the purging is really not something anyone needs a visual for and having "belttighteners" as a shame based support group (the aversion therapy scene was funny and sad at the same time) is a really bad idea...IMHO.

So...my Angels lost and unlike some Angels fans...people were very nice to me! :) I was good naturedly teased, I impressed a couple guys because I like baseball AND came alone to the game, etc. so it was fun. The thing is I LOVE the Angels..but right now the A's are a FUN team to watch no matter what!

Barry Zito... 

The last week or so have been a Sports Bonanza! Last Wednesday my grandpa and I went to the 49ers Training Camp! 

Sigh...

This was what happened in the 8th inning, #5 was tossed out...not that DaVanon was a big help anyway...but striking out was not worth getting tossed out of the game in the 8th inning.

The A's fans were actually pretty nice to me, although I talked to some others where that was not the case. The again, they were guys...I was alone and people thought that was pretty cool. I was sititng with these two guys from the Lexus dealership across the street and they were good natured. There were pockets of Angels fans all over...but I wish we would have been sitting together!

Feelings...Nothing More Than....

WILLOW: Hey! Buffy, you're mad!

BUFFY: You noticed. It'll pass.

WILLOW: No! Anger ... is a big, powerful emotion you should feel.

BUFFY: Well ... that's good then. It's gone now.

WILLOW: Okay ... uh, let me make you mad again. Uh ... ready? Um ... Last semester, I slept with Riley.

BUFFY: And you know I really doubt it.

WILLOW: Caught me. Big fib. To ... cover up the sleazy affair I had with Angel.

BUFFY: Will ... what the hell are you doing?

WILLOW: Pissing you off.

BUFFY: Yes, true. Why?

WILLOW: Well, 'cause, you know, since you've ... been back, you haven't exactly been big with ... the whole range of human emotions thing.


In the last few week I very much feel like I have not been "big with the whole range of human emotions thing." There are things I SHOULD have feelings about. Last week I had a bagel for the first time in over 2 years. I am going to watch "my Angels" pound the A's tonight. My grandfather came home safely last night...and I am pretty much "eh" about everything. This is not a good place for me to do because I know where it can lead.

The problem? Not really caring. I must care because it bugs me, because I am more than willing to admit it, because I know I can't go back down that road again...but how do I feel about it? "Eh."

These three men (well...Brokaw and Jennings more than Rather) were the reason I wanted to become a journalist. Seeing the stuff that went on in my college newspaper newsroom is the reason I decided NOT to!

Growing up, these three have been a staple in my life. While I began my world news viewing with Peter Jennings...it was eventually Tom Brokaw that got my attention. It was nothing Peter Jennings did...but it was our Communications' Department distaste for our local ABC "Eyewitless" news that turned me off.

As I watched GMA yesterday morning and Katie's interview with Barbara Walters...one forgets how one anchor man, sitting in his chair, can take you down memory lane. From the gossipy "stuff" (i.e. I forgot he dated Streisand) to his commitment and love of children...he was a good reporter...even if one didn't agree with him politically.

Take Me Out to the Ball Game!

Tomorrow I am going to see game two in the series with Oakland and the Angels! Zito is pictching for the A's so it should be a great game. The Angels had better win! This three game series is going to be an important one and after hemming and hawing about it...I broke down and bought a ticket. I am sitting right by the Angel dugout and that wasd the clincher. I am also 9 rows up from the field...I probably should not have spent the $$...but for once I am not caring. I really want to see them play. It will be my 2nd Angels game this year and 2nd A's game. I have also been to a Giants game and a San Jose (single A) Giants game so it has been a great baseball season for me!

"Starved"

I debated whether I was going to post anything about the show on FX. I have been dreading the series premiere for weeks, but have enough of an open mind that I wanted to give it a fair shot.

Language and ED stuff aside...I thought the writing was awful and the characters are people I would probably not want to be frineds with.

As for the actual ED aspects of the show...it was probably the support group scenes that made me cringe the most. Not so much the "It's not OK" mantra that is shouted as each person shares his/her failure...but the comment about shame being a method of help/support. There is so much shame with the disease as is...and to see these scenes where shaming a person into recovery is a scary proposition.

However, there were actually some things that to me were very accurate:

--the detergent on the cakes

--the weighing yourself before and after using the bathroom in the AM

--the measuring tape

And, I admit, until the cop purged in the alley, the scene where he pulled the Chinese food delivery guy over on his bike was really funny. I saw it coming, but I think it does speak to the lengths some have and will go to to be able to binge and purge.

Will I watch it again? I'm not sure. Should it be pulled off the air...yes, but I think because of the show's quality rather than the content.

Everything I Needed to Know About Recovery I learned from "Buffy" & "Angel"

ANGEL: Illyria, the future can change here. You can choose a different path.

ILLYRIA: And be nothing.

ANGEL: And be what you are. Fighting to hold on to what you were... it's destroying you.

Many of you know that "Buffy" and "Angel" are two of my fave shows and I am to the point where I can watch an epidose and know what day I need to tune in again to see the one I really want to see! Like today's 1 PM episode on FX is the one where Buffy realizes what "death is your gift" means and makes the ultimate sacrifice to save the world or last night's "Angel" on TNT when Willow restores his soul (yetb again).

Anyway, on the TNT Monday morning episodes they are near the end of the final season and then will cycle back to the beginning. I have seen the episode where the above quote came from probably 3-4 times by now and I don't think that quote ever jumped out at me before.

Maybe it was because I was in the other room doing something and was straining to hear, maybe it is because where I am in recovery or maybe...nah...I think it is the latter.

I look at where I am...almost a year purge free and while I think about it all the time...almost 10 months SI free. Yet, at the same time, I can be honest and say it wouldn't take a lot to send me right back into the depths and not look back. The thoughts come and go because I won't dwell on them long (the longer I dwell...the harder it is to fight it off), but they are still very much ingrained. Plus, I am still not eating three meals a day...but I digress...

There are times, just like Illyria, I feel like I am at a crossroads. There is a lot of romanticizing the past. EDs are NOT glamorous nor is cutting your skin so you bleed...but there is this mindset that I had more energy when I was throwing up everything I put in my mouth and when I was not sleeping. Then there is my favorite...cutting helps relax me so I can sleep. Okay, that one is true...but what a stupid reason to be self destructive.

Angel tells her she can choose a different path...but in doing that Illyria would be agreeing to becoming less "powerful" than she had been, more in control and other than her look be like "everyone else." She says it would make her nothing. I know that a lot of people can relate to that. I've said it and I have heard it from others...without the ED who am I? I am nothing without it. Becoming the disease kind of sneaks up on you and I know that I denied it for a very long time...but I still am trying to figure out who I am without my "safety net."

"Fighting to hold on to what you were...it's destroying you." I think that line is what hit me right between the eyes. There are days where I deny hunger because I can't let go, there are days where I try and figure out a way I can be "normal" and yet keep some of the behaviors . And, I am sorry to admit, there are days where I don't CARE if it destroys me. All that being said...if I don't let go and look at the issues that still drive what is left of the behaviors...I will always BE at that crossroads and always be on the cliff of destruction.

Not that this realization makes it any easier to plop down on Rob's couch tomorrow and be ready to delve into the muck after a few weeks break...but it is incentive to not stall and only talk about going to the 49ers training camp today!

Updates...

Okay...I have several updates on various and sundry things...so here we go:

Meeting last week: The one goal that was set was to out together a "vision team" to tackle the two biggest things we need to get done in Children's Ministry and one that needs to get done because w eneed new carpet in the 3/4 year old room soon! Oh, and put together a notebook that outlines the programs/calendar for the year. Not a problem. My SP said he wants this to work because he doesn't want to look for anyone else. It is very doable...just worried about what if the all five people on our short list say no. I'll find out this week as I begin to make the calls!

Community BBQ: In church on Sunday our SP shared things he had heard and something that was overheard and it was all very positive. One community member talked to our SP and asked if this was the church where "all" the community meetings were held and that cared about the neighborhood. Yup...that is us!

The second comment was over heard and the store next to the church. There was another meeting going on over there and someone tuned to a woman and said something like, "You go to 'that church' tell me about it. What are they like?" She replied that she was not involved here as she is Muslim...but she has visites several times for church services and communit events. She told him that if she DID go to church it would be ours as she says we are the epitome of what "church should be." She said we are friendly, we don't judge, etc. He then said he may have to check us out! I think we are the best kept secret in town!

Recovery "stuff:" As of this writing I am 10 1/2 months-ish purge free (for those newbies reading this I don't binge...ever) and just over 9 months SI free. I think the hardest part is that much of the time I feel like I am just one sandwich away from going back and/or one cut away from being sucked back in. I was telling Rob yesterday that the thought of cutting enters my mind all the time...I just don't act in it. He said that it makes sense because for 3 1/2 years it was a habit and something I did to cope with a myriad of "stuff."

Lately, I am trying to figure out if I am really feeling pretty good OR if I am complete emotion shut down because on a moment to moment basis I have no clue what I am feeling and each time Rob asks me I truly don't know...which is the stuck point I guess we'll start on Thursday. Things have been a little off kilter lately because of VBS and then I was gone and then he was gone so it's been a good month since we have delved into anything heavy.

The Job I Didn't Get: I looked at the church newsletter and I have one thing to say: I would have hired her, too!

I honestly feel better being outmatched rather than evenly matched and still not getting the job! She do deserved it and I know she will do well there!

So, that's it. My mom is still fairly toothless, my SP is gone for the next 2 weeks and that will give me a lot of time to get done what I need to without having anyone looking over my shoulder!

Take Me Out to the Ball Game!

Last night my grandfather and I went to a San Jose Giants game and was able to see Benitez pitch one inning...they have been letting him do an inning here and there as he recovers from his injury. Anyway, neither of us had been to a minor league game and truthfully, they were playing Bakersfield, I never saw the point before.

A couple weeks ago mom and I were in Target and they had free tickets at the cash register. I picked up a couple and thought it might be fun. So, we went, I upgraded our seats from the bleachers to box seats and we found ourselves in the front row of the "B" section...close enough to spit on the, had we wanted to. By the 5th inning it was 5-0. The Giants were losing and I was really tempted to leave early and beat out the 2,845 fans still there. In the 6th inning...the Giants came back and scored 6 runs! The final score was 7-6...Giants! Hearing my grandfather sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" was worth it!

I am really glad we went bercause it was fun watching the people and watching all the promotions they do between innings or in the middle of innings. And on the way out, we got a loaf of Sara Lee's new whole grain white bread! Take THAT Oakland A's! Hahahaha!