There is a million things I need to be doing...but I have zippo concentration today. Not even sure why.
I am still trying to figure out what has prompted this slide of sorts. Monday I sat in Rob's office and for the first time in many, many, MANY months told him I wanted to purge. Okay...I had nothing in my body, but something must have touched an emotional nerve. I know I was little irked because he thought I was being all avoidy girl when I talked about the Biblemaniacs meeting from the day before. I wasn't. I think he forgets that I am on PROBATION here and that something as a failed meeting could mean my demise. So, I pretty much emailed him that later Monday afternoon.
Part of me thinks this is way more about control than the other part of me is willing to admit. On the surface, things seem GREAT. Other than the blip on Sunday, progress is being made on the goals my SP set, I am excited for the coming year in ministry, etc. But, if I allow myself to be still long enough I also know that this is a hugely stressful time for me and add on the depression and it makes sense. Why don't I tell Rob this? I have no clue. I am really trying to not allow this "lack of control" in other areas of my life carry over to ED stuff...but it's hard.
Into my third week to the gym and I already feel guilty for not going yesterday. My compromise with Toni is only three days a week...but I am finding it hard. I can't wait to get there today and burn, burn, burn!
That's the other thing. I don't see 3x a week at all bad for what I am doing. If I were at it 5-6 times a week or 2x a day then I would think Toni should be concerned. But only teo hoyrs three days a week? Bah! Rob agrees with me. He says that he can't see how there could be too much of a good thing like exercise. Of course, I take that to mean because I am such a beached whale I need all the gym time I can get...but I also know that's wonky thinking and that he didn't mean it that way.
Kick Off Sunday is this week and I reserved "The Incredibles" bounce house from http://www.astrojump.com. I need to get medical release forms ready and my picture display. I have most of the pic printed out...but I think I'll do that at home. I am supposed to have Friday off (as the office is closed on Mondays, Friday is our Labor Day holiday), but there is too much to do.
This is where is true test of recovery now lies: Do I manage to squeak out where I think the control issues are (eating my words from Monday's denials?), or do I give him my crack pot theory and see where that leads?
I am still trying to figure out what has prompted this slide of sorts. Monday I sat in Rob's office and for the first time in many, many, MANY months told him I wanted to purge. Okay...I had nothing in my body, but something must have touched an emotional nerve. I know I was little irked because he thought I was being all avoidy girl when I talked about the Biblemaniacs meeting from the day before. I wasn't. I think he forgets that I am on PROBATION here and that something as a failed meeting could mean my demise. So, I pretty much emailed him that later Monday afternoon.
Part of me thinks this is way more about control than the other part of me is willing to admit. On the surface, things seem GREAT. Other than the blip on Sunday, progress is being made on the goals my SP set, I am excited for the coming year in ministry, etc. But, if I allow myself to be still long enough I also know that this is a hugely stressful time for me and add on the depression and it makes sense. Why don't I tell Rob this? I have no clue. I am really trying to not allow this "lack of control" in other areas of my life carry over to ED stuff...but it's hard.
Into my third week to the gym and I already feel guilty for not going yesterday. My compromise with Toni is only three days a week...but I am finding it hard. I can't wait to get there today and burn, burn, burn!
That's the other thing. I don't see 3x a week at all bad for what I am doing. If I were at it 5-6 times a week or 2x a day then I would think Toni should be concerned. But only teo hoyrs three days a week? Bah! Rob agrees with me. He says that he can't see how there could be too much of a good thing like exercise. Of course, I take that to mean because I am such a beached whale I need all the gym time I can get...but I also know that's wonky thinking and that he didn't mean it that way.
Kick Off Sunday is this week and I reserved "The Incredibles" bounce house from http://www.astrojump.com. I need to get medical release forms ready and my picture display. I have most of the pic printed out...but I think I'll do that at home. I am supposed to have Friday off (as the office is closed on Mondays, Friday is our Labor Day holiday), but there is too much to do.
This is where is true test of recovery now lies: Do I manage to squeak out where I think the control issues are (eating my words from Monday's denials?), or do I give him my crack pot theory and see where that leads?
1 comment:
3 days a week is good. Do you find that once you are there it is not so bad?
Post a Comment