Everything I Needed to Know About Recovery I Learned from Buffy Pt. 2

WILLOW: It's nice to be forgiven. Too bad I need so much of it.

BUFFY: I have a confession to make. I thought it might be you. With the flaying.

WILLOW: I know.

BUFFY: I wanna be the kind of person that wouldn't think that. Xander never thought it.

WILLOW: He did, a little. Heck, I did a little. Xander has the luxury of not saying it, but you're the slayer. You have to say stuff like that. It's OK. It's OK too if you still don't think I can recover from this magic stuff, 'cause, honestly, I'm not that sure about it either. (prepares to meditate again)

BUFFY: I thought you were too tired.

WILLOW: It hurts too much not to try.

BUFFY: I'm sorry.

WILLOW: It just takes so much strength. I don't have that much.

BUFFY: I got so much strength, I'm giving it away.

WILLOW: Are you sure?

BUFFY: Will it help?

WILLOW: Much.

BUFFY: Good.

As I watched "Same Time, Same Place" this afternoon I wasn't looking for another "a-ha" this resonates soooo much moment...it just sort of appeared.

I always hesitate writing this type of stuff because I wait for someone to ask me where God fits into all this....I mean using examples from "Buffy" rather than the Bible? What kind of Christian are you???? Short answer...I'd be dead without His strength that sustains me on a daily basis. I couldn't imagine even attempting any type of recovery without knowing I am not alone...even if I am physically...which is where this final scene actually comes into play.

I think when Willow tells Buffy she isn't sure she can recover and she starts mediating to heal her body after what had happened to it...that struck me as such a truth...that people in my life have walked parts of this road with me for SO long that maybe they doubt my chances of recovery as much as I do at times.

Then, Buffy offers her strength along with Willow's own and that really touched me. Yes, I so know that Jesus is right by my side through all this and there are moments that I know it is because of Him I haven't given in or given up...even at the worst of times...because I know it's not my strength...but I long to have people in "real time" that can give me that strength...that don't want to fix me, lecture me, recite evvery verse in the Bible that I already know for "times such as these," etc. Someone...ANYONE that will just let me (if I could even allow myself) cry for seemingly no reason and not ask why and be comfortable with those tears. Okay, I think that may be asking too much and yet there are those I have been able to do that with. Unfortunately, thjey are in "The OC."

I live in the 10th largest city in the country and yet, unless I am a college student, I have been unable to find an ED support group. That is wrong in so many ways.

So, I watch Buffy take Willow's hands and lend her strength to Willow...not saying anything...simply holding her hands as she helps Willow heal and tear up because I long for that and yet at the same time am afraid that either I don't deserve it and/or will push it away.

Tonight I had a shot in my small group to share that I am struggling and yet I couldn't. I tried to say something...even sugar coating it a bit...but the words would not come. Maybe if my job were not in jeapordy...

I also had a dizzy spell on my way out to the car. Not good.