I'm...Not Sure What I Am....

Last week I finally bit the bullet yet again and joined Bally's. I am now tied into a three year contract...but I think I can put it on hold in certain circumstances. I really felt like I was doing it for more than ED reasons...between having the ED for 16 years or so and the PCOS my metabolism is in the cellar and I need to do something about it. I took the tour on Thursday and my insides were jumping for joy...I realized I missed it. Now I know why...

Yesterday was my "First Timers" work out with a trainer. Yesterday I thought I could do what I have done for the past five years off and on...work out without eating anything. By and large I did pretty well...until about 3/4 of the way through, then I started to tire. I had to admit why and he took me to the water fountain and told me to drink. We kept going until I finally got dizzy and we had to stop. I was almost in tears because I was so frustrated with myself. I was even more frustrated because I WANT to be able to work out for two hours and not eat before or after.

I rushed from the work out to Rob's office and after lecture three zillion about what a loser I am in therapy (okay, it wasn't even close to that...just felt like it at first) and I tried to explain this to him...but either he didn't quite get what I was saying or he got it and was trying to help me untangle it. My guess it was a bit of both.

I feel like he didn't get what I said about missing the ED. I think he glommed onto me saying it was a dumb thought and didn't hear the rest of it. I flat out told him that I miss being able to work out and not eat, that I hate having to eat at all, etc. We went around and around about the thoughts being "normal" and that sort of thing. I told him that I cannot believe that wanting to dive back into the ED is a "normal" thought. Rob then said to just see them as thoghts and not judge them, not fight them, just let them be there because it doesn't mean I am going to act on them.

Maybe I just want my feelings of wanting to jump right back into all ED behaviors validated...not condoned...but having someone understand why I feel like that and that it doesn't mean I am going to DO anything with the thoughts.

Sigh...