It's Not About Weight!!!

How many times have I heard that since my first purge 16 years ago??? A lot! Every book, all the experts, friends, etc. In turn, I have said it to others. It's just a symptom of what is going on, you need to look beyond the scale, you need to launch the scale into the wild blue yonder, blah, blah, blah. And, while I think we all come to a place where we DO see it...I am beginning to think there is a part of us that doesn't buy it and EDs are more about weight than anyone is willing to tell us. But, in the past weeks I have come to learn...and I pray really and truly learn and believe that the weight truly IS a symptom. Let me explain...

In years past, I have been obsessed with the scale. At my worst I would jump off and on probably 10 times a day. Before a purge, after a purge, first thing in the morning, last thing at night, if I woke up in the middle of the night, after the gym, etc. Much to Toni's dismay, I took it out again and have been really good about not getting on it each day. She thinks I put it away...not bloody likely! Anyway, it had been 2-3 days since my last foray onto the scales and the number had dropped...more than I thought it would (yet I am still a beached whale) and yet it did NOT make me happy.

Well...there was a moment of elation and knew my two hour+ workouts were doing the job (more about that later). Then, like a hammer, it hit me...the number does not represent to me only the loss of pounds...it means control! Each pound means that I am gaining control. Control of what? Working on that one...but control nonetheless.



So, I have been sick for a week. I literally forced myself through my two hour workout last Friday because I was not feeling well and am still paying for it. As I met with Toni this week she told me point blank that all the overexercising lowers immunity and that it needs to stop...NOW. I need to keep my workouts to 45 minutes total...three times a week. She doesn't care how I break that time up...but I need to try and only go three days. I want to try and go back tomorrow, but since it feels like I have a small elephant on my chest...I may out it off another day. I'd be more upset about it...but all I have wanted to do is go to work and then come home and sleep!