I am still trying to figure out this slide, why overexercising seems to be my behavior of choice lately, and why everyone has started playing food police!
As Rob has been helping me try to untangle what is in my head...something dawned on me. We were talking about the rules I have for food, the obvious rules I now have for exercise, etc. As I sat cuddling Frederick, it dawned on me that I have the rules, even if they cause me a ton of stress, because I am afraid my life will be chaos without them! Growing up I had no rules (and therefore no feelings of security) and had to make my own to survive. Now these rules have "turned" on me and are controlling me. Yet, the thought of letting them go is honestly terrifying. Not that I don't long for the peace and healthy control letting go would give me in time...but the thought of letting them go and having to create new ones scares me to no end!
As I was reading "Group" last week...there was a sidebar on anorexia. While I am ED-NOS...my mindset tracks with anorexics. I remember the first time I went to Remuda. I barely scored on the chart for bulimia and off the chart for anorexia. Anyway, the sidebar was talking about anorexics and legalism and that teaching grace is a HUGE thing for these teenage girls. Oh my gosh...did that ever make sense to me! I think that is probably why I started to figure out the rules thing with Rob.
He keeps talking about layers. I think we are both realizing, as we near the three year mark in November, that we have still barely touched the surface in some ways. The way I am seeing things right now is that rules helped to keep me alive when I was younger and if I don't start trying to break free of them...they will kill me in the end.
As Rob has been helping me try to untangle what is in my head...something dawned on me. We were talking about the rules I have for food, the obvious rules I now have for exercise, etc. As I sat cuddling Frederick, it dawned on me that I have the rules, even if they cause me a ton of stress, because I am afraid my life will be chaos without them! Growing up I had no rules (and therefore no feelings of security) and had to make my own to survive. Now these rules have "turned" on me and are controlling me. Yet, the thought of letting them go is honestly terrifying. Not that I don't long for the peace and healthy control letting go would give me in time...but the thought of letting them go and having to create new ones scares me to no end!
As I was reading "Group" last week...there was a sidebar on anorexia. While I am ED-NOS...my mindset tracks with anorexics. I remember the first time I went to Remuda. I barely scored on the chart for bulimia and off the chart for anorexia. Anyway, the sidebar was talking about anorexics and legalism and that teaching grace is a HUGE thing for these teenage girls. Oh my gosh...did that ever make sense to me! I think that is probably why I started to figure out the rules thing with Rob.
He keeps talking about layers. I think we are both realizing, as we near the three year mark in November, that we have still barely touched the surface in some ways. The way I am seeing things right now is that rules helped to keep me alive when I was younger and if I don't start trying to break free of them...they will kill me in the end.
2 comments:
HI!!! I haven't talked to you in like forever. I'll im you soon.
I don't think I have anything helpful to say, but I just wanted you to know that I'm pulling for you.
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