The Aftermath

So...

I stood up to answer a question and got really dizzy. That is my cue to force food down my throat no matter what, no matter how much my body protests and no matter how much I want to throw it up afterward.

I left HQ and found a place that was actually open! So, I ate...and really didn't overdo it...I just haven't had much in my body since dinner Tuesday night. I am realy fighting to keep it down and not in I wanna purge it, but more of I feel really, really full and am not sure how much of a choice I am going to have! I am just trying to relax and know that salmon is a GOOD food and the mushrooms are not going to kill me.

So, I know I need to even my food out and get back on track the rest of the weekend. Toni said she'd work with me to get me there after we see how far I have slipped...but I think I can pick it back up before I see her next week.

I took Frederick with me today. I really didn't want to explain that the dog belongs to my therapist and I wanted to have it with me since I won't see him until Thursday, so I said it belongs to a friend (hey...he calls me that at times) and I take it everyplace with me. He was pretty much out of the way, but I liked having him in the booth. Truthfully, I am fine without seeing Rob. I email him every day and just update him and I know I would have been fine without Frederick...but he is a great extra pillow! :)

I see how easily I could fall back into it all and it is encouraging that while the thoughts are there...the actions really don't go along with them. Afterall, in the not so distant past I would have gone ahead and purged and as I was using the box cutter tonight...the thoughts I had about using it in other ways (I was frustrated with some stuff) didn't go far. I guess I am getting more "comfortable" with the thoughts just being there and me not trying to fight them and end up in a stressed out tizzy!

Tomorrow is SCC and I am sooooooo excited. That is the one day I plan on using my All Access pass to hang in the Green Room and at least get to say hello. I also want to register for The Core. I bought the shirt the guy staff members wore today (we had a pink one that is totally different) and the red track jacket. I also got a free DC/LA Alumni T-shirt. I can just rotate the shirts each week for now on! :)