Quiz Time!!

You Are a Black and White Cookie

You're often conflicted in life, and you feel pulled in two opposite directions. When you're good, you're sweet as sugar. And when you're bad, you're wicked!

What Kind of Cookie Are You?

Not sure about the being wicked part...but I do often fall into a trap of black and white thinking!

Thanks, Jeff

Under Pressure

It happened AGAIN. I talked my way out of First Aid, but I did get sent home early Saturday night. I am not sure what happened this time. I was fueled, I was hydrated and I was not in a new position. Toni thinks it could have still been food related, but also thinks (like Rob and I) it could have been anxiety related.

I had a salad late Saturday morning and wasn’t all that hungry later. One of the other usher’s works at a Starbucks and will bring goodies from time to time. I mostly look and don’t touch, but that night I had a piece of reduced fat coffee cake. I went to my position and all seemed fine.

Anyway, early in my shift I was holding onto a bag for a guest outside of my Club section while he went to get a program. Nice guy...hadn't been to a game in three years and was like a little kid...it was sweet. I love to see people excited to be there and to watch the Sharks play. It was no biggie to watch the bag and it wasn’t in the way.

So, he's heading back down to his seat when my supervisor comes by to check on me, give me any instructions that may be different from another shift, etc. She sees me with the bag and says, "Deneice, did you go shopping before work?" (She knew I wouldn't do that...it was all in fun) I handed the bag back to the guest and said, "No, I was just holding onto a bag for a guest." Then she tells me that she knew it would be something like that because that's something I would do! That was nice, sweet, etc. However, I am having a hard time with all of this.

I want to scream that I have the whole staff fooled and they have no idea what a loser I am...but I keep my mouth shut. It's so hard to watch people who have been there for years get stuck with places that I have never been assigned to and find myself in places it took some TWO years to achieve. Thursday night they sent someone home so I could take their place and not be sent home. I sit and listen to people complain about their assignments, being sent home without an option (we are guaranteed 3 hours no matter what…not great…but $$ is $$), etc. and I just keep quiet. We all get the bad spots; we all are subject to being released, etc. The fun and the people far outweigh any perceived negatives.

The job is a total blessing. However, the "exceed guests' expectations" is dangerous ground for me because it brings out my perfectionist tendencies. I mean we were 4^th in the world in non-sports revenue, we are either #2 or #1 in guest services and that is great! It can be anxiety producing.

But, I haven’t had that throw up/pass out feeling since November and so I found some way to not be anxious I am going to blow it. I just don’t know what. I think the positive feedback is seriously blowing my mind and Saturday was just the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.

Rob is having a field day with this! It's no secret to anyone that this is a huge issue for me and I think he is "enjoying" watching me process all this out. The nerve!

One of the other things I like about the job is no one knows about my history. They have no idea about the ED or the SI. Some do know about the tattoo because we were talking about them a couple weeks ago and I mentioned mine. M and J were in shock. They didn’t think I was the type.

The ONE benefit of people knowing my history is that they usually watch the food/diet/weight talk around me. I think that is the sole thing that triggers me. Not magazines, not TV…but the food/weigh/diet talk. I generally do a pretty good job of coping…but a couple weeks ago I found myself so triggered and it didn’t dawn on me until this weekend.

I worked a double and had a break between events. There is this little Mexican place that has really good carne asada burritos. It isn’t “the burrito that ate Tokyo,” but it’s not tiny either. However, after only having a bottle of Boost and being on my feet for like 4 hours I figured it was fine. Plus, I don’t eat the whole tortilla. I eat about ½ and then unfold it and eat the filling. I get back to the arena, sit down with M and another J and unwrap the burrito from the foil. M takes one look at it and goes on and on and ON asking how could I eat the whole thing, that it would be a meal for three days for her, it was huge, etc., etc., etc.

I know that this is the “real world” and this goes on all the time…but I didn’t realize how ill equipped I feel to deal with that type of trigger. It does play with my head. Maybe she was right, maybe I did eat too much, blah, blah, blah.

Look! A New Post!

I know...I know...I really need to blog more. I love my 2nd job...but it gets in the way of my blogging!

I just came off a W, TH, F, SA, M schedule there...nothing else until this Thursday! They started putting me in Club aisles at work which puts me roughly 16 rows up from the ice for hockey games! I also did my first real floor assignment for a concert and was on the floor for the Harlem Globetrotters. I love the fact they move us all over!

Saturday I was working a double and during my second shift a cool thing happened. I almost hesitate to put it here...but no one knows about the blog at the other place so I think I am safe. Anyway, I had worked the doors and then got to "do breaks." This means I get a slip of paper with names on it and their assigned place. I find them and give them their 15 break. During this time, one of the sups comes up to me and shakes my hand. He says, "I have to tell you, you are my favorite new hire." He tells me (which he has done in the past) that he loves my attitude, my willingness to do whatever is asked, my smile, etc. Then he told me that the whole staff "just loves you." WOW! This is good because I was convinced that "T" didn't like me. "D" said that was just his personality. I hope so!

I shared this on YMX, but here it is again:

I think I have reached my last straw. Tuesday at staff meeting Debra said that the Girls' Night was not going to happen but it may be a movie night instead. Not a problem. I wasn't scheduled to work the HP on Friday and so I asked to work.

Tonight (Sunday) I find out that it IS going to happen and all the females and their moms were emailed today and told about after church. Everyone, that is, about me. I am going to stick around until our SP gets back (he's back the 4th) and talk to him before I decide to step away. I'm sorry. If I were in her position and never had ONE meeting with her volunteers in 6 months...I'd be out the door.

Which I followed up by asking these questions:

1. Am I the problem? Am I not being flexible to her leadership style?
2. Am I being self-centered because this seems like it is all about me?
3. Do my concerns ignore what is best for our youth ministry?
4. I am really not needed there anymore? That really is a valid question.
5. Maybe I deserve this?

1. I could be part of the problem. It is conflict. It usually takes two people. I don't think it is a matter of not being flexible to her style (I go with the flow, lead something at the last second which is when she usually asks, etc.), but not getting hat her style is...or that her style is to not keep volunteers informed unless they are parent volunteers.

2. This is a tricky one. As I told Rob, Paul (the other non-parent volunteer) really doesn't care if he is in the loop or not. His response when asked to do something by Debra and even by me if I am leading something is, "Yes, master." I guess it is about me as far as wanting to be informed so I don't look like an idiot when parents ask me a question and I am clueless. So, while the issue itself is not all about me...not wanting to look stupid is and I am not sure that is a problem. If volunteers are uninformed that doesn't help the youth ministry.

3 & 4. If I take a good look at this one...I am the only female weekly volunteer in our YM. Parents come in and help with events and teach from time to time...but I am the only consistent female volunteer. While my focus is JH...we do combine for the first half of the group and so I am there for our HS girls a bit as well...but that is more Debra's gig. IF Debra is only here for a year (it is a year to year thing) and we go back to a 100% volunteer ministry and I step away there will be no female leaders...period. So...my first thought is that my concerns, if nothing is done, can hurt our YM unless other women step up. If I'm gone maybe that would happen. I'm not holding my breath though. She tells me I am needed, but has a funny way of showing it.

5. Okay...that isn't a "real" question as far as figuring this stuff out...just a default reaction to all of it.

Not making any real decision yet. It has meant so much to be back in YM and to have been asked by my SP to come back as a volunteer was/is pretty cool.

A New Year...A New Job???

I decided to try and step back into YM. Well, I am making an attempt at any rate. I have said over the past couple years if I went back into FT youth ministry I wanted to be part of a team and not the head honcho/top of the heap/fearless leader, etc. An opportunity has presented itself and my resume has been sent. Now begins the waiting game.

When I saw the blurb for it on YS, it took everything in me to not just send my resume that very second, but I really wanted to talk to Rob first. I wanted to sort out some pros and cons and get his take on my readiness. His first thought was this fits me like a glove. He said his first thoughts were the job is part of a ministry I love and an area of the country I love and have support/friends. He said it’s funny it happens now when I am getting such positive feedback from people at church (there have been some cool comments from people lately) and I have a great 2^nd job. He told me he can’t wait to see what God does with all this…whether or not I end up getting the position.

I’ve said in the past 7 years (almost) since I was a member there and then left (though I think my membership is still there) that I would love to be on staff. Not because of what the church is and who is a part and all the other “perks” that seem to go with that church…but because my time there was incredibly healing (okay…I went to RR in the midst of all that…but still), I grew so much in my walk and I was so content there it was amazing. I see some of that now where I am…but not like it was. It’s not even romanticizing it. Every time I go back it is like I have never left…with some cool changes.

It’s all in God’s hands and as Toni said…wouldn’t it be great if I had to choose between good and good? When I left IN there as very little to be sad about and I wanted out of there. I also knew I had the green light from God, too. This time around…it would be harder. I think of “my” JHers (mainly the 6^th graders) and how I would love to see them grow up into the men and women of God I see glimpses of. Then I look at something that has been a prayer of mine off and on for 5 or 6 years and if the doors fly open…I am ready to step through. If it doesn’t work out I will be bummed…but at least it doesn’t leave me in a place where I don’t want to be.

Rob said something about going back to Greg. If things happen I’ll call him and see if he’ll even take me back. If not, there are other options. But, even before I did that, I think I would “go it alone” for a bit. If anything, I think I would need Greg more for readjusting to So Cal than anything else.

Then there is Dr. D. To be able to see him on a regular basis would be a total blessing. There is also, of course, Disneyland!

I'm Baaack!

Where have I been? It’s been a busy month at the HP. Let me break it down:

HP: I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it! I am so glad I decided to apply and am so glad I was hired! There were a ton of events in December and I worked every single one. Dancing with the Stars was better than I thought and I met some neat guests during the event. I started working the info booths which I also like. Granted, I am not inside, but it gives me a chance to interact more with guests.

Get Away: I not only house sat until the 21^st, but I also got to house sit from the 23^rd until the 30^th. That was a total answer to prayer. One night at home and I was ready to throw everything away to deal with it. UGH! How does she function? Seriously. I have no idea. I just made brownies with “special dark” cocoa. She comes out to look at them and calls them n***** brownies. I am so serious!

“Everything:” After I hit my respective two year marks I have to think about how long it has been time wise. As much as I obsessed getting to the 24 month marks, it’s kind of funny that I have to stop and count. Other than the few days I was at home pre-second house sitting gig, I haven’t had an urge to cut. Food just absolutely baffles me. I do eat. Both house sitting jobs I bought Chinese food and it lasted a good 4 days. I tried to eat at work most nights and learned we have really good chili and baked potatoes. Not from an emotional standpoint, but from a purely food aspect I really want to get rid of everything I put in my mouth and yet I am trying to get in my eating “episodes.” OK…today was the first day I made a true effort…but I did it.

I have missed Rob. I see him today and it will have been TWO weeks. I think I called him once just to kind of check in…but I’ve been OK. A couple of months ago he was really frustrated and I mean REALLY frustrated and he told me he couldn’t pray for me anymore. He also told me he didn’t care what saying the words, “take a break” made me feel (OK…probably not quite like that…but close to it). This was right after Amy died and the timing was really bad. I decided to email him about it after our last session and I am so hoping he forgot.

Ministry, Children’s: It’s going well. I am looking forward to VBS (and we are over 6 months away), camp and working with the Jr. High kids that have stepped up as leaders. I am starting a more formal training process with them this month. I used some of my supply budget (it was use it or lose it) to pay for my PDCM registration and I can’t wait for April…even if I am going to miss some of the NHL playoffs!

Ministry, Junior High: I am so at the end of my rope. I have for sure tied a knot and am holding on. I really don’t mind being “just” a volunteer again…I have really enjoyed it…to a point. The first thing (recently) that happened was I didn’t get invited to the youth Christmas Party. Not only that…but she didn’t ask why I wasn’t there. Then when I received her Xmas card it wasn’t personal at all…she just slipped her business card inside. Finally, I was planning to go to Winter Camp and told her I was planning to go. I wasn’t included. She didn’t realize my “I can go” email meant I can go. So, I told her that this won’t be the last event, that I think it is great parents stepped up (which is true…I think it is FANTASTIC) and I’ll stay behind. To make it up to me I get to be “game girl” on Sunday and take pictures of all the Jr. Highers since she hasn’t taken any up until now…just of high school. I really don’t know how much longer I can deal with this.

Family: Mom still hasn’t found a job. She hasn’t even looked. She complains about having no $$ and throws around selling the house (which would not sell at all the way it is now) and yet doesn’t do anything to even try and solve the problem. My grandmother pretty much needs a cane at all times now and my grandpa sees a cardiologist at the end of the month. I don’t see that as a good thing. It’s pretty scary. I need out but really don’t feel as if God is telling me to go.

Holidays: Pretty low on the drama meter. There was something small and I don’t remember what. Dinner out was a bust. I need to write them a letter. I got the SJ Sharks watch I wanted and a bunch of movie ticket gift certificates! Woo Hoo! NYE was uneventful. My grandfather cooked and it was awesome! We came home and just watched TV. I always have mixed feelings about NYE. NYE 1999 (the fake millennium…good ‘ol Y2K) was a night I would rather forget. But I have to remember that I was really sick then and that I am not quite that person anymore.

So, that’s where I have been and I will try and be better for now on!

I've Been Tagged...

by PK

Favorite Musicals Seven for 2007...

1. Dreamgirls (just saw the movie...INCREDIBLE)
2. Rent (totally hooked)
3. The Lion King
4. Les Miserable
5. Pippin
6. Godspell
7. The Music Man

I could go on and on and on.

I tag Mel
I tag Mindi
I tag Friar Tuck

And that is kind of it. I have no clue who reads this anymore.

Oh...and I am still adding back all my blogs. Blogrolling doesn't seem to work well on the new Blogger and it takes time!

I'm Alive

I promise (if anyone still reads this thing) that an update is forthcoming. Just really busy and really whiny!

Today Is????

Time is flying by! There are 15 events at the HP this month and I am working all of them. It's been a busy December so far. Last night's game rocked! They put me in my favorite aisle (even if it is a LONG way down for the aisle tours) and it was a great night to be there. I am weird. I really like the fights. Last night was a great one. The last five minutes of the game I have to drop down to the bottom to make sure people don't climb on the boards, etc. after the game. To be right on the glass is amazing. The fight breaks out and moves to my section. Glove, pads, helmets are flying across the ice. It was brutal, but no one was really injured. Best of all...Sharks won!

Last week I was on "vacation" because if I don't use my vacation time from the church I lose it. Last Wednesday I took the rain into SF and was happy I can actually get to where I need/want to go using public transportation. It may take a little longer, but when the weather is nice (and it was perfect in SF last week) it's not a huge deal. Having that time to myself and not having a schedule was also a great thing.

Even though we are in the midst of all the Christmas "stuff," things are a little slow for me in Children's Ministry. It's kind of nice. I am pretty much prepped for Sunday already so this week I am going to get stuff ready for January and start recruiting for Jr. Getaway Camp in March. Sunday was almost all music (adult choir, both kids' choirs and the handbell choir) and we kept the kids in church and all I need to do for this Sunday is cut out and glue a bunch of stockings together. I am trying Group's Bible Venture Centers for the first time and I really like it...at least on paper. We'll see what happens when I put it into action!

I am house sitting this week and even though I have to actually commute I like it. I also get to finish my Christmas baking so that's a bonus!

I sense things are going to get intense with Rob the next few weeks. Thursday I left a little down and it was just one of those things. I mean I am not going to leave happy all the time. Anyway, he took it as me being discouraged and I kind of lapsed into silence. I am not discouraged at all. It was a moment I was editing myself and chose not to sound like a broken record.

After some babbling and long silences I knew I had to say something and even though I have said it before...I think he actually got it this time. I was talking to him about the HP...the relationships I am forming there and the positive feedback I get from time to time. There is this older woman who totally rocks and she takes good care of me. I finally got a locker and she made sure it was an upper! On Friday my supervisor commented on my spirit and attitude whenever I work with him (supervisors change from event to event depending on where you are assigned and where they are assigned).

Anyway, I talked about the tension I live in when that stuff and the good stuff going on at church doesn't match up with how much I hate myself. It's not like I am doing any of the other stuff "on purpose," but it's like that part of me can't be real and I must be manipulating the situation even if I don't do it knowingly. As I was explaining this to Rob something clicked in my head. When I was a kid and would go over to a friend's house or something like that...the reports back to mom were always what a joy I was to have around, how helpful I was, etc. My mother would smile and nod and then when we were alone would pretty much berate me and tell me what a fraud I was because I am so lazy, etc. at home.

It's not that I don't want to resolve any of this stuff. Although, after having no urges for almost three weeks, I am really struggling right now and if I leave it alone the urges will go away. Not healthy...but just what I feel at the moment. Driving back to Cupertino, the urge to do something to punish myself was huge.

I know I have to process all of this and do the work, but I am so afraid when that happens my streaks could end.

Quick (albeing LONG) Post

Written last week:

It was either 2 ½ or 3 ½ years ago that Rob and his family went on a long weekend trip to Disneyland. When I saw him next there was a pink Mickey Mouse icon pen on the couch where I sit. I am guessing it was 3 ½ years ago because I sit on the other couch and in between that was the floor. Anyway, it was a cool little gesture and I love that pen. Or should IoveD that pen?

I was going to use it at the HP when I got hired, but found the Mickey icon was coming off in my pocket and I was afraid I’d lose it. It has been on our kitchen counter for a few weeks now so I can grab it if I need one. The other morning I was getting ready to leave for the church when I saw it in PIECES! One piece was missing and the rest was put back on the counter. My mom never said a word.

Today I finally asked her and she told me that she dropped it. No apology or anything. Then she tells me Rob can just get me another one. Ummm…no…not really and that isn’t even the point. If I hadn’t brought it up she wouldn’t have said a word to me. Is she two? I thought when you break something that belongs to someone else you tell them. This has ended up bringing up memories of a whole night of drunkenness and smashing of my things when I was a kid. It was actually an incident I forgot. The pen kicked off the recent memory of a music box I gave my grandfather several years ago that my mom broke as well. Her idea of fixing it was to glue the head on the base instead of the neck. Before I could fix it…she trashed it. HELLO…it was my first fairly expensive gift I could afford after I graduated from college. As I thought about that incident the “smashing of Deneice’s music box collection” came flooding back.

I must have been 5 or 6. My mom was drunk and she was yelling and screaming. I can’t remember who was there…but I think there was some man involved. She didn’t smash all of them and my grandfather repaired most of those that she did smash…but just like the pen that really isn’t the point. It is the absolute disregard then and now of anything that belongs to me. The same disregard that causes her to open my mail and go into my room whenever she wants. My next question is why did she have kids in the first place? I know the answer to that one…it was 1969 and she didn’t have a choice.

Rob said something today about my mom not getting something she needed from my grandmother. I 100% don’t agree with that because my grandmother put my mom first most of the time. I think it probably has to do more with her dad (not my grandfather…the man I call my grandpa…he is a gem) than my grandmother.

New Stuff:

Rob: Were you at church last night?

Me: Nope, I had to work the Pete Newell Challenge

Rob: I was at your church last night

Me: (laughing) I know

His office Christmas party was at our church. I’ve known about it for a few months and until I got the 2^nd job thought I would be there. Glad I wasn’t at youth group…that would be too weird.

I usually where shoes I can slip off and on easily when I see him because I usually sit “Indian style” on the couch or am in a kind ball type thing. Anyway, I had on tennis shoes I couldn’t easily slip in and out of so I sat on the couch like a “normal” person. I didn’t really like it and I guess he didn’t either. He told me that he didn’t care if I put my feet on the couch…so I did. It was funny. His words were, "Okay, now we're home." :)

Lately all we talk about is my mom. I think I am finally really willing (and able) to talk about a bunch of stuff when it comes to her. Most of it has to do with my lifelong role of “parent” rather than my mom being my mom. Saturday she went to make some of MY whole wheat pasta for her dinner (I was headed to work) and didn’t set the timer…she said she’d just “watch” it. I am guessing it turned into mush. I taught her how to use our oven timer. She still didn’t get it and she bought a timer. Did she use it? Nooooooooooo…

I lived away from home for about 16 years and she functioned. I guess. She can’t even do basic grocery shopping. Her idea of grocery shopping is bags of chips, Coke and frozen junk. The kicker for tonight:

Mom: “I left you some chicken. I ate some, but I had to throw it away because it made me sick.”

Me: “If it made you sick, why would I want to eat it?”

Mom: “Just because it made me sick doesn’t mean it will make you sick.”

I am house sitting next week for about 10 days. I so can’t wait! It will be great to get out of here for a few days. Kind of like extra vacation even if I am working.

There have been days the last few weeks that I really want to remind her what Lauren had her do at the end of my Family Week my first time at Remuda. Lauren had her “fire” me as her caretaker. It held while I was in So Cal…I mean for the first time she was really “mom” and not the other way around. I hesitated in moving back because I was afraid what would happen. However, when I moved back I thought I would have my own place.

This is going to be good work with Rob…but not easy work at all.

The Latest & Greatest

It’s been forever since I blogged. Not that there hasn’t been a lot going on…I guess I just don’t have words for all of it.

I still can’t explain how I just “snapped out” of the mood I was on after Amy’s suicide. It still seems very strange. I’m not complaining…but it is a little weird. It almost scares me. No…it actually does scare me. It seems so fragile…that is I do on thing “wrong” it is going to send me spiraling back down.

Thanksgiving went off really well. It was pretty much drama free and the Good Eats Roast Turkey again turned out great. My grandfather’s sister was back here from Hawaii and that was neat. I know my grandmother felt a little left out part of the day because my grandpa and his sister were talking about stuff she had no idea about but after years and years and YEARS of fights…I’ll take her being only a little annoyed.

I want to hold on to the “snapped out of it” because this is the first Christmas since 2000 I am kind of enjoying. Not that I have ever lost sight of what Christmas really means and the joy of that meaning has been under the surface each year, but I have really had a hard time with the “fun” aspects of the holiday. The stuff that makes kids smile and all that mushy, sentimental gook that we love so much. I have had a good time Christmas shopping and planning my baking between HP events.

We are about two weeks short of the 3^rd anniversary of my mom’s last suicide attempt. I thought about that today. I try not to because I feel like any tip of the scales is going to send me crashing again, but there it is. I can’t say that she’s better off than she was three years ago and that is not a happy thought. I still worry (a lot) at times that she is just going to give up. That is a huge problem.

If you asked me what the biggest stride I have made with Rob lately it would be that I can finally say out loud that I am perplexed that my mother can make it through the day. I feel bad about saying it, but it really is the truth. I am not sure how much of it is manipulation because she lived without me for 16 years when I lived in SoCal and Indiana, but I think I’m on to something. It’s soooo hard because she is 60 years old, trying to find a job with almost no skills. She has really fallen into most of her jobs and I am guessing, since she couldn’t even get on at Target, that she doesn’t interview well. She can’t use a computer, can’t work a cash register, etc. Oh…the fact that she can’t tell the difference between potato salad with onions and without onions (all you had to do was open the covered bowl and SMELL the difference) makes me question her intelligence.

I still haven’t quite dug myself out 100% of the hole I got in with food last month. It’s better and my appetite is slowly coming back (and I was sick for a good 2 weeks as well) and I am even listening at times, but it’s really hard. Toni and I are going to talk about menu planning on Friday. As much as I LOVE her little boy, I am glad he won’t be coming. We’ll get so much more done! One thing I am really realizing is I need structure. Working at The HPP helps with that structure since I know I need to eat before I go and stay hydrated. I ended up in First Aid again last week. They moved me into a new position (a lower aisle…woo hoo!!!) and the anxiety/excitement of it all caused me to almost throw up…again. I would have been fine, but an EMT saw me as he was making his rounds around the building.

I look at my RLP meal card and it still seems like so much food. I think the one meal a day I do eat is a lot of food so to almost triple it…ack! But, this is the last thing behavior wise I need to tackle. I haven’t purged in 26 months or cut in 25. Heck, it’s been almost two weeks since I have felt like doing either and that is a new feeling. There is still a ton of work to do on the emotional side. But if I can get myself to eat a little more each week, it will go a long way in helping me do the work I need to do…no matter how much that scares the daylights out of me.

My mom called a little while ago. Turns out she caught my cold. I'm not surprised. She wasn't feeling well last night and figured she's wake up sick this morning. Then she tells me she doesn't know here she got it. Ummm...I tried not to be around her...but a sneeze in the car could have done it! I know there are so many people sick around here that it might not have been me...but I am sure I am the guilty one.

I get one more day/night of rest before I work at the other job tomorrow. I am really thankful. I actually feel a little worse than I did earlier in the week. I'm still sneezy and stuffy and am blowing gross stuff out of my nose. I probably should have taken more than one sick day!

One Week Later...

...and I am still not feeling 100%. I think I stopped taking the Zicam too early. The box does say continue for the next 48 hours after symptoms subside and I ran out before the 48 hours were up...or even got here.

I am seeing a pattern. I had a bad cold last year but over Thanksgiving. At least I am consistent! Ugh...

Don't Know If I Am Coming or Going...

...but I get the distinct impression I could be standing here with a gun to my head and calling Rob and telling him and it still wouldn't sink in.

Just my ramblings from the past few days…

I need to snap out of this. I need to focus; I need to concentrate on “my” kids. I need to get ready for Biblemaniacs, Turkey Day, Advent and doing more Children’s Messages while my SP is gone. I need to focus on the Youth Group newsletter and the team of kids that will be putting it together. I have Jr. High girls that actually LIKE me and I need to focus on them and help them get ready to teach on the 12^th. I need to be ready to back up Tom on the 19^th. I have hockey games and concerts to work…guests to help whenever needed. I need to simply keep in mind that life goes on.

It is times like this I miss Marc. I miss it being more than OK to just sit on the couch for an hour and not say a word. Not that I ever did that…but the option was there. Right now I am fighting the urge to pick a fight with Rob to give me an excuse to walk away. Walking away would make some stuff null and void. I see this as a good thing. I did email him that little piece of info. Not that I heard anything back. I don’t know why I bother. If I could hop on a flight to Holland, MI and he’d see me…I’d be there. But that’s not going to happen so I need to just keep my mouth shut when I want to find some lame-o excuse to pounce on something Rob has said and twist it for my own use. I have a small arsenal stuff I can use now…but I still have enough sanity to not use it.

Seriously though, it has been a week. I found out a week ago today. I have had seven days to let it sink in, wallow a bit and now I need to push it aside.

My biggest problem is the food issue. That took off like a rocket and I am having trouble stopping it. I have no appetite, I feel sick eating more than a couple graham crackers with some non-fat milk or some popcorn. I am throwing food out and putting dishes in the drain board so it looks as if I have eaten. I told Toni I would try and eat and I am not sure if I lied or not. I have only dropped about 4 pounds this last week and that is no big deal in the scheme of what a cow I am, so I am not worried about it. I think I am probably eating a comfy 300-500 calories a day. I am pretty much golden until Thanksgiving.

I still haven’t self-harmed. Obviously I haven’t purged. Rob says neither of them are good coping mechanisms. They seem to be all I have and yet I refrain.

Rob says I can’t truly be numb…there is no such thing. So, that leaves me with nothing to say to him. He told me today that if I am still I this realm (Amy’s death) we can pick up there Thursday. Ummm…OK. I truly believe I could be holding a gun at my head and let him know and he still wouldn’t be taking me seriously. I know a lot of it is my fault. I don’t know what I need/want from him and he can’t read my mind. He tells me it makes sense that I am still like this. He agrees that as much as I want to snap out of it, it is not going to happen that way. However, could use some help in knowing how to even work through this.

I almost purged last night. In fact, I had my fingers down my throat. I couldn’t. After 25 months of no purging…I couldn’t do it. I am guessing had I not had to worry about bring found out I could have. But, my mom was still awake and so it didn’t happen. I then debated cutting. I have a welt on my arm, but I didn’t do anything.

I honestly don’t know what I am feeling anymore. If I had to actually use a word it would be dead. Except for the occasion of a sudden burst of sadness…I feel absolutely dead inside. That should scare me, but it doesn’t. If Rob is unconcerned than there is no reason for me to be concerned.

My dietitian asked me if I felt any guilt. I don’t. In hindsight, having Jars of Clay’s “Work” on her MySpace makes sense given what has happened. But, before Amy’s suicide it meant nothing when I saw it here. In fact, it may be on MY MySpace.

The Spanish speaking part of our congregation sells tamales each year. This year I actually could spend the $$ for a dozen of them and not sweat it out. This is sad because they were only $20. Anyway, I got them yesterday and they were finally something I WANTED. My mom made me take ½ of them to my grandparents. I know it’s not a huge deal…but I don’t want to eat and the fact that I was willingly eating them should have been a clue. Then again, this is my mom and I could weight 80 pounds and she’d still not get it.

Have I Hit Numb?

I am trying not to berate myself for being/feeling anything about Amy's suicide. But it is hard. I keep telling myself that today is the day I snap out of it...that I stop feeling whatever it is that I am feeling and DO something.

Work is getting done...but barely. It's not like she is the first person I have known that has died. She may be the first person that I know who has committed suicide, but I have known others who have tried (and failed) and that includes my mom's three attempts.

I keep thinking I have to be over reacting. I keep thinking that my relationship with Amy really does not give me permission to want to just lay in my bed or on the couch and do nothing. I can hear Rob's voice telling me that I am trying to minimize my feelings. He's probably right, but I think it keeps me from hitting the bottom of the pit I have been in long before I got the news about Amy.

Yesterday I broke down and bought a 12 pack of Boost. They will probably rot in the fridge in my office...but I thought I should at least make an effort. Yesterday I had a Pepsi at work and then came home and had two graham crackers and a glass of non-fat milk. I meet Toni for lunch today and I think we are going to have a showdown for the first time. I don't want food. I have no desire to eat at all. Give me coffee and I'm good.

I sat in Rob's office yesterday and couldn't say much. He asked me where I was stuck with all this? If he doesn't know then what is the point? I have been tempted to cancel next week so I could simply give in to everything and not have to deal with it for a week. It will just make it worse.

I think I am beyond tears at this point. I haven't allowed myself to cry and I can almost feel a physical wall in my being where all of the pain and sadness is pent up. Rob and I talked about how cutting will not help me cope with this in the big picture. There are moments that I simply do not care. I care enough that I have refrained...but my resolve is fading.

Working last night was good. Tonight and tomorrow will good as well.

My mom is so easy to fool. Isn't is sad I feel I have to do that? She asked me what I had to eat at work last night and I told her a burrito. I bought my Pepsi where they SELL the burritosI smelled the food...but who can eat a whole burrito in less than 15 minutes hen they are piping hot?

I figure I have a ton of weight to lose before I even hit the top of my range...so I have nothing to worry about for a long time!

I am trying to determine if I would feel like this had Amy died directly as a result from the ED. You know heart attack, body just shutting down, etc. I am thinking yes. I knew her. I have a CD she made me the last time I was at LIFE. I have cards and letters with her writing on it. I thought I had more pix of us. I know I have some from our RR Reunion in 2001...but I can't find them. I thought I had more from 2000...but I can't find those either.

I think I had a good two hours of functionality yesterday before I simply lost interest. Then I had a dinner to go to last night and even though I hadn't had anything to eat all day...I gained a ^$$##^$ 1/2 pound! I am not amused.

Crying is an issue. I won't allow myself much more than 30 seconds or so every few hours when I can no longer hold them back.

I haven't purged and I haven't cut since all this happened. Most of it is fear of Rob...but if that works then I am fine with that fear. I haven't thrown up at all, but it is hard to keep food down period. I was driving home after dinner last night and thought I was going to have to pull over.

I really don't even ask why because I get it. Getting it is probably not a good thing...but I do get it.

Thanksgiving is in three weeks and I don't want to cook...let alone eat any of it.

I am so thankful for my 2nd job. It helps a lot. It will be very distracting. I can pour all my energy into our guests and that's what they ask us to do...leave everything else at the door when we walk in.

I still plan on posting pix of Trunk & Treat. I was having problems uploading yesterday. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow.

I need to go pick up actual prints so I can do the bulletin board at church tomorrow (or today) and I think I need to break down and buy either Ensure or Boost. The calories scare me (how can so many calories be in such a little can/bottle?), but liquid is easier than solids. This is one time I am glad that I have PCOS. If I could lose weight like a normal person...I'd probably be in trouble.

Clueless

I am the first to admit I am not dealing well at all. It is surprising and yet not. Rob says it is very similiar to veteran's of wars. They may not be in constant contact, but they fought side by side with one another and when one of them is gone it does leave a hole. I emailed someone else I was at RR with to see how she was doing...she and Amy had been pretty close at the ranch. She is in just as much shock as I am about the whole thing.

There will be moments when I am okay...that I can do what I need to do, but then all of a sudden a wave of sadness comes over me. I haven't been doing a great job of expressing that sadness. If it happens when I need to be "functional," I can force myself to stop tearing up. Other times I try not to start crying because I am afraid I am not going to stop.

Monday I was working the "Boo Bomb" concert and it was a great distraction for hours! I had a couple scary moments that literally left me shaking...but I survived! I was kicked. It was truly an accident. I don't think the guy even realized he kicked me. I have a nice bruise now. I was also kinda surrounded at one point by a bunch of guys who decided that their form of "dance" was best done while touching me. That just sent me into shock more than anything. I was able to push them away and get them back in their seats...but I was literally shaking for a good 15 minutes afterward. Considering the music isn't anything I usually listen to...most of it was okay. The language didn't even get bad until Ludacris and E-40. Or at least I didn't notice it until then.

Last night was Trunk & Treat...pix to follow later. It was hard to get through. I didn't want to be there and it took me a long time to get into it. I did and it was fun and it was great because I sent post cards out to our VBS kids and a couple showed up. That was pretty cool. They are revved up for VBS 2007! That was good to hear.

Rob said something on Monday about this bringing up stuff about my mom's attempts. It really doesn't. He is missing the boat on this one. I am fine...I am safe...this isn't sending me over the deep end. That being said...it actually brings up more of my own ideation and that maybe Amy has it right. I do know that is wrong...100%. But it does go through my head that if someone who had so much going for her can check out...why do I keep going?

My birthday stunk as usual. My mom claims that the store made a mistake on my cake (not that I wanted much of it anyway)…but I am guessing (as she has had ½ of it by herself) she didn’t. I also specifically asked for carrot cake and it was all chocolate. I ate a piece because I had no choice and she pretty much has polished it off. “Whatever.”

We got home from my grandparent’s house and my mom went out to drop something off for a friend of hers. I decided to check my email. Amongst all the junk mail was a post from the RR Alumni Yahoo Group I belong to. It was from another member letting us know that Amy K. committed suicide Tuesday. I met Amy when I was at RR the first time. We were in the same Home Group and so we had all out therapy groups together. Although I am older than she by 12 years…she was the one who calmed me down after my body tracing in our Body Image group, told me I could ride a horse and even more. The memories have been flooding back all weekend. She missed a therapy appointment and I am guessing her therapist sent the police. They are the ones who found her.

“We” all know that EDs carry a mortality rate of 20%. I think the stat is death from the ED…not suicide, but I could be wrong. Either way, it is a huge shock. Amy and I hadn’t talked for awhile. She approved me on her MySpace not too long ago and I checked it out last night and I left a comment on the 13^th just to say hi. I checked her Live Journal Friends to see if I could find out anything new and there wasn’t anything. It sounds as of her best friend in NM had no clue it was coming.

I’m not dealing well. I’m holding my own, but by a thread. As long as I am busy or asleep I am OK. I almost lost it during church this morning, I taught this morning and that was a good thing. I think I might have had to leave. My mother’s reaction was “What sent her over the deep end?” Gee…thanks for the compassionate response, Mom. I called Rob yesterday and left a VM. I guess he’ll get it tonight or tomorrow morning. Once he is gone on Fridays I have no clue when he checks messages again. This is the one time in a very long time I wish I was seeing Greg or Marc…at least I could page them if I really needed to. Okay, I never did even when I DID need to…but I think this is one case when I would have for sure. I see him at noon on Mondays so it is only a few more hours…but it’s a few too many.

The 2^nd job is going well. I got my first FOCUS (I can’t remember what that stands for) token for going above and beyond on the job. Not bad for less than a month! I really didn’t think I did anything above and beyond…but if my supervisor says so…I am not going to complain. It was kind of cool to get one. I am working a ton in November and I’m glad. I mean it doesn’t pay a lot, but it allows me to not have to choose between treatment team and paying stuff like my car insurance. Besides, it’s fun for the most part! We got discount tix for Disney on Ice. My family and I went Friday for $20...$5 each. Our seats were $25 seats! It doesn’t happen all the time, but it is a nice perk.

Tuesday is Trunk and Treat at church. I wish I could say I am excited about it. I think I was until last night. Now all I want to do is crawl into a ball and shut everything out. Not practical and it is not going to happen, but I really wish I could.

Am Mad As...??????

I don't do mad. I just don't. I also know that is a huge lie. There is no way possible to not get mad from time to time. I veil it in irked, bugged and other "polite terms" and for the most part I don't indulge in a lot of anger...but this weekend I finally, finally, FINALLY admitted to myself and then on Monday to Rob that I am mad at my mom. He asked me for what. I told him I didn't like to use the generalized "everything," but that about covered it. I'm mad about the abuse (of all kinda), I am mad because I have spent most of my life being her parent and I am sure there are other reasons.

This has very much been a huge thing for me and a not so good one. I spent the better part of Monday and yesterday trying to keep from cutting, trying to keep from using objects to hurt myself that I normally stay away from to try and deal with it. Now I know that had I used behaviors that would just add to the guilt, but there are times you really don't care. I think working the game last night helped. I was at the south doors so I was greeting people, helping them and then saying goodbye. We also won. The night just helped me focus on what I needed to do to give out guests a good feeling and, I will say it...I am so wired for this job!

I do struggle with the emotion. I struggle with not knowing how to "do mad." Growing up, anger was always (and I do mean always) violent. I know I don't have to do anything violent...but I think anger and I see out of control. At this point I am too tired to care either way.

Food is still really difficult. I almost flipped out at breakfast yesterday. We had a staff breakfast before our calendar meeting and it was hard to eat. I really haven't lost a lot a weight since the last almost 10 pound drop a few weeks ago. My metabolism is so messed up! Anyway, I guess I was wearing something that made people notice who didn't before. I always deny it. There are times when eating with other people sort of freaks me out. Yesterday was one of those days. I did okay...I "played" with my food for a bit, but I ate. I also managed to gain 1.5 pounds since yesterday. I know that isn't possible because I know what I ate and all the walking/standing I did at work, but it plays with my head.

Saturday I will be 2 years self harm free. While I didn't start self harming until AFTER my first stay at RR, it has been the hardest behavior to stop. I guess restricting is actually the hardest because I think I have only one 4 week period in the last 3+ years years that I have actually had three meals a day. I see it as less destructive because I am keeping the food down. I also know that it is still not good for me.

I think it's the depressive episode I am still in the middle of...but today is one of those days that I think the ED is going to kill me one way or another.

???????

I’m hiding. I have been convincing myself that I am okay…that I am returning to “normal.” But, I did something tonight that Rob tells me to do a lot…take a deep breath. Out of nowhere I just sat here and took one deep breath and in that breath, I felt/saw what is really going on. The tunnel is a little less dark…maybe a little less a black hole than it has been, but it is there in all its dark glory.

Things are better because I am eating a little more than I have been…but it is not all a food problem. I think I had myself convinced that because my mood improved a little bit that I was okay. I am so NOT okay and the awful thing about that is I still have no idea why. I really have no good reason to be depressed. I have no bad reasons either. But it is there…as certain as I am that I will wake up in the morning it is there.

It’s now morning! The way I see it is it stinks that I have major depressive disorder and yet at the same time I am able to handle the depressive episodes without meds and without jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. Before that freaks anyone out…I would never do that anyway. While I know that I have almost 100% chance of it working…the pain before the dying…no thanks! The fact I can kinda make light of it is also a positive thing.

I am 9 days short of two years of no self harm and 16 days away from my 37^th birthday. Neither ones thrills me all that much. My hate relationship with food stems from a lot of things and one of them is the fact food is a life sustaining thing. It’s scary to admit that is a problem for me. It goes against everything I know to be true as a Christian but the reality is that there is a huge part of me that hates the fact I am alive and eating makes it worse. At least I am not quite as disappointed as I have been that I wake up each morning.

My aunt called drunk last night. Toward the end of the conversation she told me to remember that I am always #1 with her and with my uncle. It took so much not to ask her if that was the case, why my uncle insists on having a relationship with the man who molested me. I get it…they have been friends since childhood, but that just makes it worse. I know I need to get beyond that little point…but it hurts a bit.

I feel like I am in limbo some of the time. Last Monday I walked out of Rob’s office feeling pretty good for the first time in a long time. I had shared with him what had happened at God Night. I did the closing prayer and it was no “big deal.” I know they have value…but I really don’t like to write prayers out ahead of time. It’s just not me. So, as I took in the night (with the good stuff and the stuff I don’t agree with theologically) I tried to at least prepare a bit so I wouldn’t get up there and stumble. While I do announcements on Sundays, it was my first time praying in church outside of being with the kids or youth. At the end I had a few people come up to me and compliment me on the prayer. Okay…that was a little weird in itself…but still nice to hear.

There was something else that had happened that week as well and I can’t remember what anymore. Rob made some comment about God sending me a message. Point taken. I left there and for the next 30 hours or so I began thinking that maybe I wasn’t a complete loser. That changed after I got the email from Debra. I still can’t put it in the right words…but I think after that I was really mad at Rob for about 30 seconds. I felt like he had me almost convinced that I wasn’t a loser…that I believed what he was telling me and getting my hopes up that I have been wrong about me and then in an instant it was gone. I say about 30 seconds because I snapped back to reality pretty quickly. Then, when Steve and I had that talk on Wednesday it pretty much reaffirmed all that happened Sunday and Monday.

Rob and I talk about (or he does) what Paul says…that we should have a sober estimation of ourselves. I know that also means it needs to be realistic. What I feel seems real…it often plays out as real…if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…

I think so much of the time I repress emotions and what I feel about stuff because if I allow myself to feel what’s there I am going to get angry. That is such a dangerous emotion for me. I have not very often seen healthy anger but have been on the receiving end of it many times. I have seen how it can be destructive and how it lashes out. I know I have the safety of Rob’s office but I still won’t allow myself to let go.