I don't know what I am even doing here. I feel like I have nothing to do because for the most part...I really don't. For August I am going to just use another rotation from the web site and I need to check on what Cindy may need from me fo Children's Church for this week...

The thing is...I know I was debating even coming back to youth ministry when I came home and decided that I was in no position to decide that quite yet. But, the minute I saw the kids, the minute Ben came up and hugged me like he didn't want to let go and when John without hesitation came up and hugged me...I knew I was "home." Drew pretending he wasn't ecstatic to see me (being the too cool 7th grader he will be int he fall) when you could see the light in his eyes...Jessica, Rachel and Brianne being so happy I was back...

I can be a "good" Children's Minister but not great. In my good moments I know I am a really good youth worker...if I had doubts...seeing the kids after only being here a few months and then being gone for two tells me I am onto "something." I like the younger kids and I know I can do the job...but there is zippo passion behind it and that's not fair to any of us.

My mother and I fought again about money last night. I told her I would just get a waitressing job. Giorgio's is hiring servers right now and the hours would work out well. I have never waitressed in my life...but it's in the genes and I think I could do it and be good at it. Then she told me that RR doesn't want me to work full time for three months. Yeah, they also didn't want me to go back to work this soon and I can see why. I am not ready to be back yet.

I know I can't fault her for not getting it...she doesn't see why I need Toni or why seeing Rob twice a week is important or why I want to eventually look for another YM job. She doesn't get why buying certain groceries are important and why eating Kashi for dinner is not a good idea. I have a huge problem being angry and I know why and as I watched that reason in action this morning...swearing a blue streak...I am so afraid if I got truly angry it would be that ugly. Maybe it's a good thing I will never have kids.

After I see Toni, I think I am going to pack some stuff up and stay at my place for a couple days and see how that goes. Right now I know I am eating simply because I am at my mom's house. But, I need to see what it's going to be like when I am alone. Right now I think it's going to be bad. I don't think the RLP staff realized how important IL was for me. Yeah, I showed I could fall and get back up...but that was because I still had the behavior contract to follow and I didn't want to blow the chance to stay...I probably wouldn't have finished as well as I did if I wasn't trying so hard for that extension.

I see my red flags all over the place...but I don't know what to do when I see them to try not to hit another low. Besides...it's too soon to be going into another episode...but I guess extreme stress will do this.