Deep breath...distress tolerance....augh!!! Promprting event? Stress...plain and simple.

Okay...let me back up. I have been on edge all day...not even sure why. My anxiety level is absolutely through the roof. I took a Seroquel earlier today, but it made me so sleepy...I don't dare take another one until I am ready to go to bed.

So, I am trying to walk myself through a "Behavior Chain Analysis" so I can figure out what skills I can use. For those of you who don't know...a BCA is a 4 page document I had "fun" filling out for all sorts of stuff while I was at Remuda LIFE. Self harm, purging, not finishing a meal, sucidal ideation, etc. Actually, I found it very helpful. First page is a narrative on what exactly happened, the second page is figuring out thoughts and feelings that led to the behavior, the third page is writing down the prompting event, the feelings/thoughts leading up to the event and the consequences of the event. The fourth page is looking at the thoughts leading up to it and what skills could have broken the "chain," what positive and negative things occurred by doing the behavior both immediate and later and what the consequences mean for you.

Prompting Event: Wanting to fully engage in behaviors/suicidal thoughts.

I guess the thoughts started last Monday when my car and then my mother's car had out batteries go dead and then I needed a tire. One of the actions started that day as I restricted breakfast that day as well. Oh...I was also going back to work the next day. So after all the car drama was over and I sat down to figure out my finances or lack thereof...I pretty much freaked. No surprise...but seeing it was a shock. So, I managed to keep eating and keep doing what I was supposed to do, but the thoughts of coping in all the old ways were there.

Tuesday I went back to work and realized I do not feel comfortable being there. I have hope the feeling will pass...but I only went in two days last week and couldn't wait to get out. I feel as if they are keeping there to be nice. Children's Ministry can be run with volunteers...same as they are doing with Youth Ministry.

Thursday was a pretty good day. Slept in, rented a movie, saw Rob, came home and read, watched the movie with my mom...and ended up making two good sized cuts on my leg. Maybe it was because the movie made me sad, or because right now there are moments I wish I were dead or because coming back is not what I thought it was going to be...not that I had any fantasies...but being employed full time and still doing YM was kinda what I was thinking

Augh...I need the BCA in front of me to do all of this. Skills wise I need to self-soothe, I need to relax and I need to tolerate the rising distress by using radical acceptance of my current situation. I feel like I am heading toward a panic attack. And it's a whole week until I see Rob again. My mother may not see the wisdom of seeing him 2x a week...but I do.

I so don't wnat to go to work tomorrow. But, I need to be at staff meeting and Steve and I need to meet so I can see where he wants me to go with CM. At least he has enough confidence in my abilities to be able to give me the direction he wants to see us go and let me get there how I think is best!

I can't give in...I worked too hard...but geez...all that Seroquel and Ambien....augh...very tempting.

Still at my mom's house...as much as I am going nuts here...it keeps me accountable!